Majority Rules

Sometimes it is difficult to see ourselves clearly. I read somewhere that the brain can diagnose a problem anywhere in its own body - except in itself!

Sometimes, other people can help give us perspective. A friend once told me, "If someone tells you that you're a horse and you are sure that you are not, dismiss their comment outright. If another person tells you that you're a horse, think about the possibility before you dismiss their words. But, if a third person tells you that you're a horse - start eating hay!"

When it comes to many relationship issues, I believe this is sound advice. For instance, many people had to tell me that I lacked patience before I believed them.

Often, the old adage, "Majority Rules," is true.

However, there are exceptions to every rule. When it comes to abuse and family estrangement, there is a flaw in the typical majority rules theory. Family systems are living, breathing organisms much like the individual brain. They can't diagnose themselves. They often cling to the only thing they know - years of embedded patterns of abuse, enmeshment, and/or control.

Often, when someone tries to break a dysfunctional family pattern, they are in the minority. The rest of the family clings to "status quo" and expresses, "Look, we all agree. There is something wrong with you." Outsiders quickly concur. Majority rules.

I was in the minority in my family - often a painful place to be. But, sometimes, the frustration of living in minority gives way to the healing power of constructing a life free from abuse!

Honor Thy Mother and Father?

For many years, I struggled with the "Honor Thy Mother and Father" scenario, because I no longer had a relationship with my mother. Other abuse and estrangement survivors have indicated this to me as well.

One day, I realized that I was honoring Mom even though I didn't have contact with her. I recognized that not engaging in the toxicity and living my life with dignity and integrity - did honor my Mother.

I've always loved my Mother. Even during the time that I did not feel safe enough to see her. Now that we have reconciled, I honor her by maintaining my boundaries, taking responsibility for my own well-being, respecting our historical bond, and accepting her for who she is.

This is an interesting article written from the Christian perspective:

Honor My Mother and Father?
By Nancy Ortberg

Acknowledgment and Abuse

Help me Mom!

How many times did I utter this unanswered plea? Yet, the physical abuse from which I sought relief, paled in comparison to the emotional prison where I remained - as long as I looked to my jailers to set me free.

Long into adulthood, I attempted to seek validation from my family. I tried to do their emotional work, rather than focusing on my own. Acknowledgment, support, and help with healing – that is what I needed.

The day came when I stopped trying to pathologically receive support where it wasn’t (my family) and started receiving support where it was (elsewhere).

By trusting others to listen to and validate my injuries, I journeyed forward to the healing I deserved.

With growth, comes loss. Sometimes we must die to the old to be born anew.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and acknowledgment - wherever you find it.

Forgiving on our own Timetable

Forgiveness can be a scary concept. I was afraid to forgive my abusers, because to me forgiving meant that I could be hurt again. At the time, I was right. My attempts at forced forgiveness left me open to re-injury. I hadn't healed enough to protect myself.

The pressure I felt to forgive my abusers left me frozen in painful limbo - unable to heal or authentically forgive.

The day came when I reached the end of my endurance. I decided not to forgive and my life changed forever!

The decision I made to place my own well-being first, and to nurse myself back to emotional health, sent me on a healing journey that eventually freed me to forgive.