When Reconciliation is Worthwhile

My brother Rob and I have been largely estranged for 22 years - speaking briefly only twice until recently. Family violence wreaks havoc on families.  We all do what we have to to survive.  Sometimes survival means hurting one another.

At the end of 2013 Rob's wife became terminally ill. We spoke on the phone a few times from then until her death a couple of weeks ago.

During a conversation I had with my brother last week, I said, "When we were little kids, we were so close.    We mourned dad's death together, we commiserated about Ed's brutal violence towards us, we shared inside jokes, secrets, and a special bond.  We understood each other like no other.  I want you to know, that no matter what has happened between us, where ever I have been in the last 22 years, the little girl in me has always loved the  little boy in you."

"It never goes away Nance," was his reply and we softly said good-bye.

Return to Blogging

I haven't blogged for some time.  I felt like I had exhausted everything I had to say about estrangement and reconciliation.

I am grateful that my blog has been helpful to many people dealing with the pain of estrangement. I want to say thank you to all of you who have continued to reach out to me through blog comments and email even though I haven't blogged consistently for four years. It is comforting to know that the sharing of my journey has helped others.

For the last eight years I have been navigating my family reconciliation.  I must say, reconciliation is very hard and very delicate work.  Reuniting with my family has had some major rewards, enabled continued growth, as well as some pain.  Overall, it has been worthwhile.  Yet, dysfunctional families, don't become functional just because there is reconciliation.  All the dysfunction still exists; the challenge is the response.  I must keep good boundaries, continue to work hard, and bask in the rewards when they come my way.

I thought I would write a few posts at this point on issues that I/we still struggle with as well as what makes our reconciliation worthwhile.

The Shack

Popular stories of "instant" forgiveness always concern me. The Shack, by William P. Young is no exception.

When I began reading The Shack, the author captivated me with a compelling story that began by briefly outlining a tale of family violence and estrangement. Mack, the central character, left home at the age of thirteen after spending two days tied to a tree while being beaten by his father for telling the "family secret" to a church elder.

Mack adapted to life on his own quickly, and journeyed forward by "burying" his past. As an adult, he opened his heart to create a new loving family with his wife and children - only to have an unspeakable tragedy strike again - the kidnapping and murder of his six-year old daughter.

Young eloquently captures the human spirit in Mack's questioning of how God could allow such a tragedy to befall His innocent children. He further questions if he can open his heart and trust his Heavenly Father, when his human father hurt him so deeply.

The author held my interest with the mysterious letter from Papa (God) inviting Mack back to the shack where he experienced the darkest moment of his past; the shack where he discovered confirming evidence of his daughters murder. Was this a sick joke? A trap set by the murderer? Or, a message from God?

Once inside the shack however, the story took on a "New-Age" detour that offered Band-Aid type platitudes and simplistic catch-phrases, rather than surgery for the soul.

The author does share some "pearls of wisdom" - especially in the messages of God's love for His people. Much of what he says in this regard is true; however, he dismisses any notion that God is just, fair, or has any rules, laws, or expectations; when in fact, our God of the Bible is both loving and just.

Which leads me to forgiveness: Again, the author offers some "pearls of wisdom" in that forgiveness is not about excusing, forgetting, trusting, or even necessarily reconciliation. Nonetheless, the god of The Shack sidesteps any prerequisites such as confession, repentance, restitution, and justice (Luke 17:3 - Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive).

After more than a days worth of conversations with Papa (God), Jesus, and Sarayu (The Holy Spirit) on the general principles of love, Sarayu heals Mack's human eyes so that he can see as God sees. As Mack looks out over a sea of God's children in the form of beautiful color and light, he notices one agitated light. When Sarayu reveals that light as Mack's dead father, he runs to embrace him in joyous forgiveness and reconciliation.

A few chapters later, Mack repeats this "magical" sort of forgiveness for the man who murdered his daughter even though we see no evidence of Mack working to heal his loss or deal with the injustice. Further, the murderer was never identified, caught, or tried for his crime.

Yet, within the space of a short conversation with Papa (God), Mack traveled the emotional distance from his desire for revenge to forgiveness:

Papa to Mack: "...You already know what I want, don't you?" (Kindle version, location 3573)

"Papa," he cried, "how can I ever forgive that son of a bitch who killed my Missy. If he were here today, I don't know what I would do. I know it isn't right, but I want him to hurt like he hurt me...if I can't get justice I still want revenge." (Kindle version - location 3576)

After Papa and Mack engage in a discussion on the power and necessity of forgiveness, Mack says out loud:

"I forgive you. I forgive you . I forgive you." (Kindle version - location 3629)

Then, Mack asks, "So, is it all right if I'm still angry?"
Papa was quick to respond "Absolutely!..." (location 3634)

This sort of inauthentic forgiveness places an unrealistic burden on those who are unable to forgive by "magic." In the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance." Additionally, it cheapens the journey for trauma survivors who have done the hard work to heal and possibly even forgive. (See Forgiveness and Abuse).

While it is true that forgiveness is made manifest by the love and grace of God, forgiveness requires our participation in the process. One of the dangers of encouraging premature forgiveness is that it usually doesn't last; thereby impeding genuine healing and forgiveness. Another danger is using premature forgiveness as a method of avoiding the truth, and feelings, or emotions that are too painful to "examine."

If we follow Christ's example, even Jesus expressed 27 verses of anger in Matthew 23:13-39 before going to the cross. If we hope to permanently forgive, expressing anger is an important part of the process. Additionally, it is interesting to note that Jesus did not utter the words, "I forgive you," Himself, but rather, He asked His Father who remained all powerful to forgive the unrepentant. ("Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34)

The true gift of forgiveness is in the spiritual and emotional growth we experience during an authentic healing process. God's power is truly fulfilled when the offender repents, the victim forgives, and both participate in the process. In the absence of repentance, forgiveness is not an obligation on the part of someone who has been harmed, but can take place with adequate healing.

As an abuse survivor, I for one, wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned by creating the space necessary to heal. Lessons about trusting others to validate my pain, anger, and sadness; trusting myself to safe-guard my own well-being; to respond appropriately to betrayal and injustice; to remain present with my feelings; to set boundaries; practice self-care, and take responsibility for my life. Through it all, I have experienced proof of God's love for me. All these "gifts" and more would have been lost with "false," premature, or instantaneous forgiveness, as well as undercut tangible, realistic, long-term solutions for real human suffering.

Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It's not a bolt of light that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a slow transformational process. Hard earned life-lessons take a great deal of time and grueling work!

God doesn't promise to heal us by "magic," but rather invites us to trust that His Love and Grace will carry us through as we participate in our own healing journey.

A Fresh Start With Sallie Felton

Tomorrow, I'll be a guest on A Fresh Start With Sallie Felton which broadcast live from Seattle, Washington on Contact Radio 106.9 FM HD Channel 3.

We will be discussing Family Estrangement, Reconciliation, Healing, and Forgiveness.

To listen LIVE via the web, visit: Contact Radio. From the home page, click on the "LISTEN NOW" button in the upper left hand column.

Wednesday April 1st:
12 - 1 PM Pacific Time
1 - 2 PM Rocky Mountain Time
2-3 PM Central Time
3-4 PM Eastern Time

Should you wish to listen later; the show will be available in the archives.

Filling the Void

As an abused child and later as an adult, I spent most of my life navigating a relationship with my mother, waiting for the day she would love and nurture me. Even after our estrangement, I lived with the hopeful longing that she would open her arms and be my mother.

There was a "void" in my heart where a mother should be. After time, I stopped longing for "my" mother and began to long for "a" mother.

As more time passed, I realized that the only person who could love me the way I wanted to be loved - was me.

The void I was feeling was more than just the absence of my mother, it was also the absence of my own internal mother.

No parent can do a perfect job; therefore, everyone needs to learn to parent certain parts of themselves. The difference for me was, whereas most people have much of their internal parent placed within them by the loving actions of their own parent, an abuse survivor, needs to internalize a parent largely on their own.

Looking inward rather than outward helped to fill the void. By the time I did reconcile with my mother, I no longer needed the nurturing she couldn't provide. For the first time in my life, I was able to stand before her - no longer a damaged child - but rather a strong, confident, quietly powerful woman!

Enmeshment

According to sfhelp.org, the definition of enmeshment is:

In human relationships, this term means two or more people who don't have clear identities and boundaries (limits) that separate one person from the other. Thus an enmeshed person can't distinguish the difference between my needs, feelings, opinions, and priorities and yours.

Enmeshment was certainly present in my family of origin. Abusive families have a way of creating enmeshed family systems. It took years apart from my mother and a degree of healing that I never thought was possible in order to break free from my enmeshment.

I often hear from estranged adult children, "My parents aren't capable of thinking about anyone but themselves. Why would I want a relationship under those circumstances?"

I get that. For many years, I felt that way too. Reconciling a relationship seemed like a return to my enmeshed (and abusive) family system.

For me, it took more than a decade of estrangement to heal enough to stand as a separate adult individual with a healthy indifference towards my mother's opinions, and needs; to protect my own well-being; to exercise great boundaries; to accept my mother just as she is; to give up any expectations of a normal mother-daughter sort of relationship, and to create a non-intimate friendship that is respectful of our differences. We simply share a history, and to me history is important.

After nearly two years of reconciliation, my mother and I are yet to know one another. She has never inquired about my life, such as how I spend my time, my interests, work, etc. and that is okay with me. I recognize that she is not my "safe place to fall," or someone with whom I can share anything of significance. We merely talk about old memories, current events, or her life.

My life hasn't really changed much from when we were estranged, but it feels better. I can move freely to and from family and social events without the negative strain of "being at odds, " or feeling rejected. I know my mother's inability to mother is about her - not about me.

I've made peace with the wounds of the past. I have "blasted through my mountain of pain" so that my abuse is a memory rather than a present reality. I no longer feel the "void" of estrangement or "lost" without a home.

Home is finally of my own making.

Reconciliation – Not Always an Option

During most of my fourteen year family estrangement, I considered reconciliation to be an impossible task. Given our family history of abuse, it didn't feel safe or healthy to try to reestablish contact with my family members. Nor did they try to contact me.

Certainly, in some situations, reconciliation isn’t possible. I know a woman who moved across the country, unlisted her phone number and started life anew only to have her violent family members track her down, stalk her, and interfere with her new job, friends and neighbors.

I have heard from other people who deeply desire a relationship with a parent or sibling, but they simply cannot put themselves in harms way for the sake of a connection. As painful as estrangement is, these individuals must somehow learn to live with a separation that feels like the “lesser of two evils.”

Many people do wish to reconcile with family members only to face repeated rejection.

It can be hard to accept that we only have control over our half of the relationship. At some point, the time comes to simply accept the cards we were dealt and move on to live the best life possible.

Reconciliation - Starting Fresh

Often, re-establishing relationships with family members can appear to be an impossible task. Yet, sometimes people are surprised when the road to healing leads to new beginnings.

Most people I’m acquainted with who have successfully mended an estrangement, didn’t go back and re-hash specific events from the past. For this reason healing prior wounds on your own is very important.

If you believe the time may be right to reconcile – move slowly. Understand that the process of healing broken relationships does not happen overnight. Resolution can take months and even years. Take baby steps while you begin to build trust – both in yourself and with your relatives. It is much easier to move forward slowly than it is to try to pull back if you have moved too fast.

Balance your hope with realistic expectations. Reconciliation doesn't mean the relationship will be perfect. Hopefully, with growth, you will have developed new ways to respond to old patterns.

Start out accentuating the positive. Find common ground. Reminisce about good memories, share mutual interests, and express positive feelings.

If you have been estranged from your entire family, rather than “jumping” right back in and seeing all of them at once, you may want to consider staggering separate visits.

At first, keep your time short and don’t discuss difficult issues that come up with your family until you have had time to work through intense emotions alone or with supportive friends. Spend time in between visits adjusting to and absorbing the many positive and negative conflicting emotions you will experience by sharing with trusted confidants: a therapist, a minister, friends, and/or support groups.

Expect to navigate some slippery slopes and develop ways to help you cope with new situations. You may want to limit the length of your visits at first and insulate yourself by not spending one-on-one time with a family member if you don’t feel safe.

After attempting reconciliation, you may be satisfied with the results and you may not. You can only control your half of the relationship.

Reconciliation – Recovery time

Each time I had contact with one of my family members, I needed recovery time to absorb a wide range of conflicting emotions: sadness, joy, uncertainty, hope, sorrow, and issues of trust. Contrary to the old ways, of “powering” through each event, I remained present with my feelings, staying true to myself and let my well-being guide me.

At first my movements were slow and tentative. I kept my visits brief and didn’t discuss difficult issues that came up with my family until I had time to work through intense emotions alone or with supportive friends.

I took baby steps while I began to build trust – both in myself and with my family members.

Reconciliation – Taking the Leap – Part Four

The following is an excerpt from Heal and Forgive II:

Just as with premature forgiveness, there are certainly dangers associated with premature reconciliation. Healing first is imperative for successful resolution. Many people feel external or internal pressure to reconcile too soon – thereby sabotaging all chances for success.

I’ve heard from people who feel desperate to reunite when a family member becomes ill, their parents age or out of guilt or pressure from others. We may be anxious for reconciliation out of a need to receive the nurturing we have always longed for, or to fill the void. No matter how much we desire reuniting with those from whom we are estranged, our family members may be unable or unwilling to have a relationship.

Unless we have healed enough to move past our anger, the time is not suitable for reconciliation. If we can’t trust ourselves enough to provide our own safety, we are not safe enough to see a parent who has abused us. Reuniting is not possible if we haven’t broken old patterns of behaving and responding. We need to be strong enough to maintain our own boundaries and separate identity, or we run the risk of causing further damage to our psyche.

Before I considered reconciliation, I had to ask myself – has there been emotional growth and change on both sides since last we spoke?

Copyright © 2008 Nancy Richards. All Rights Reserved.

Reconciliation – Taking the Leap – Part Three

A few days after my initial conversation with my brother Randy, my brother Brandon and I spoke. We made arraignments to meet at an outdoor dinner theater, for a performance of Annie. It was the first time I met his two kids.

There are many painful firsts when we become cut-off from our family members – first birthdays, holidays, successes, and tragedies – all dealt with alone. These same firsts can be bittersweet upon re-entry. Meeting my nephew and niece for the very first time touched my heart with smiles and tears – we had lost precious time, never to be replaced.

Reconciliation – Taking the Leap – Part Two

Trust is a big issue when deciding whether to attempt reconciliation. I certainly wrestled with whether or not I could trust my family members.

One day, I had an epiphany. I realized that it was more important to trust myself to respond appropriately to my family members, than it was to trust them. Placing my trust in myself, gave me more control over my life while I was learning whether or not I could trust my family. In other words, could I trust myself to maintain proper boundaries while I navigated the reconciliation process (see Setting Clear, Respectful, Boundaries)?

When I shared the beginnings of my reconciliation process with a few selected individuals, they worried that I would be hurt or mistreated. I assured them that although I didn’t yet trust my family members, I had healed enough to trust myself to safeguard my own well-being. One confidant validated my stance with a wonderful analogy. He said, “Oh, it’s kind of like a martial artist walking through a dangerous neighborhood. Even though danger is present, he knows he is safe because he can depend upon his own abilities.”

“Yeah, it’s like that,” I said with a smile.

Reconciliation – Taking the Leap – Part one

Since I began this blog last December, I have posted numerous topics concerning healing from abuse, estrangement, and how forgiveness and premature forgiveness played a role in my process.

As some of you may know, after a fourteen year estrangement from my entire family of origin, we have reconciled.

As painful as my estrangement was, I used the time to grow in ways that would not have been possible while having relationships with my family members. My greatest emotional growth occurred as a result of my separation from my mother. Estrangement gave me the opportunity to heal from my abuse, to learn to set and maintain clear, respectful boundaries, and forced me to develop my own sense of self, separate from my family. Yet, I never stopped missing my family. There was a void in my life; a hole in my heart where my family should be. I mourned the good I had with my brothers and what could have been with my mother.

No matter what, I loved my family. It took a lot for me to get to the point where I accepted estrangement. I didn’t like it – but I accepted it.

Our family reconciliation began with an e-mail with my brother Randy. Past experience told me to be wary of contact from my family and I wasn’t sure what to expect in the contents of his letter.

The following words are rearranged excerpts from Heal and Forgive II:

Randy opened with a simple, yet delightful youthful memory and continued with a few questions about my daughters and me. He also sent me a link to his family photo album. Suddenly, I found myself viewing pictures from the lives of family members I hadn’t seen for fourteen years. Randy had an eleven-year-old daughter and six-year-old twin sons. The photo album included pictures of the rest of my family. From a distance, I caught up on the lives of family members I had either never met or no longer knew.

Randy’s e-mail stirred up many overwhelming emotions. Slowly working through my feelings, I tried to process all the information available via the photo images. The snapshots evoked feelings in me ranging from hurt, sadness, confusion, anger, curiosity, warmth, jealousy, love, and many more.

I wasn’t sure how to feel or how to respond. Three years into the estrangement from my entire family of origin, my Grandmother rebuffed my attempts at reconciliation. Eight years into family exile, I had opened myself up with hope when my brother Brandon contacted me, only to feel rejected all over again. I was finally at a place where I accepted estrangement. Now what?

I didn’t know what this contact with Randy meant, nor did I know if his contact signaled a desire for reconciliation. Since I felt extremely frightened and vulnerable, I consulted with a few trusted friends and with my estrangement support groups. They helped to “shore me up.”

My yearning to stay on a healthy course caused me to question the wisdom of my simultaneous desire to consider a relationship with my brother. I loved Randy and I believed he loved me too; however, in the past, love was not enough.

Many questions surfaced. Am I strong enough to handle the possibility of another rejection? Will I get hurt again? Why has Randy e-mailed me? Does he want to reconcile or is he just playing around? Can Randy have a relationship with me independent from Mom? Can he accept me for myself? Would he still blame me? Had Randy experienced emotional growth as well?

I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my safety in order to have a relationship with anyone.

Taking the risk of another rejection concerned me. I decided to reply to Randy’s e-mail by simply thanking him for the pictures and his kind thoughts. I also briefly outlined what my daughters were doing with their lives and attached a few recent pictures.

Another month passed before hearing from Randy again. Randy’s second e-mail was lengthier than his first and every bit as genuine. He skillfully tested the waters by weaving together good memories from the past, information about the present, and curiosity about my daughters and me.

The next few months were filled with guarded optimism, tension, and confusion.

It was important to take “baby steps” – to proceed gradually in order to rebuild trust. We started fresh, without rehashing the past. We shared good memories and caught up on our lives. After a few e-mails and a couple of phone calls over a period of about five months, we had our first brief meeting in person.

It was wonderful!

Copyright © 2008 Nancy Richards. All Rights Reserved.

My Top Ten List of Points to Consider Before Reconciling.

After a fourteen-year family estrangement, one of my brothers contacted me. I was shocked! My heart pounded with excitement and fear. I thought that we would never speak again.

Am I ready to reconcile? Will I be hurt again if I take this leap?

In the quiet of my home, I ran a list of points to consider:

1. Can I handle the possibility of being rejected all over again?
2. Have we both experienced significant emotional growth and change since we estranged?
3. Can I trust myself to set and maintain clear, respectful, boundaries?
4. Do I feel the need to engage in old arguments and to "change" his perceptions, or can I respond differently to old family patterns?
   
5. Am I able to stand confidently in my own separate identity?
6. Do I feel the need to rehash the past?
7. Have I healed sufficiently to differentiate between old painful experiences and the occasional present day hurt feelings?
8. Is the threat of physical and/or emotional violence still present in my family?
9. Am I still angry? Is he still angry?
10. Will reconciliation add to or detract from my life?
    

My Mother’s Gift

Recently, I was involved in a dialogue with some women who did not have a relationship with their severely abusive parents. We had all assumed that the death of an abusive and estranged parent would bring some sort of relief – or closure. Sadly, the other women have subsequently lost a parent with whom they were estranged. They were surprised that contrary to feeling some relief, the death of a parent caused their anger to intensify. The death of a parent also brought the death of hope; the death of their inner child’s dreams, and the death of the last vestiges of denial.

No longer could they hold onto the fantasy that one day, their parent would acknowledge and apologize for their abuse and possibly even repair the relationship.

Once again, they found themselves mourning what could have been, but never was. They grieved at a deeper level than before. They mourned the loss of a parent they never really had and they mourned that they would never know what it was like to be grief-stricken over the loss of a loving mother or father.

I was heartbroken for these women and for anyone who has or will lose an unrepentant parent to death.

My mother gave me a huge gift. One not many people in my position receive. After fourteen years of no contact, she called me, acknowledged my abuse and apologized. I was not certain on that day about where we would go from there, but of one thing I was sure – it took a great deal of courage for Mom to call me. For that, I was grateful indeed.

After sitting quietly for a few moments, I said, “No matter what happens between us, Mom, you have given me a wonderful and irreplaceable gift.”

Through Mom’s gesture, she participated in the healing process and provided a new level of healing and forgiving previously unavailable to me and forever unavailable to those whose abusive parent dies unrepentant.