My brother Rob and I have been largely estranged for 22 years - speaking briefly only twice until recently. Family violence wreaks havoc on families. We all do what we have to to survive. Sometimes survival means hurting one another.
At the end of 2013 Rob's wife became terminally ill. We spoke on the phone a few times from then until her death a couple of weeks ago.
During a conversation I had with my brother last week, I said, "When we were little kids, we were so close. We mourned dad's death together, we commiserated about Ed's brutal violence towards us, we shared inside jokes, secrets, and a special bond. We understood each other like no other. I want you to know, that no matter what has happened between us, where ever I have been in the last 22 years, the little girl in me has always loved the little boy in you."
"It never goes away Nance," was his reply and we softly said good-bye.
Showing posts with label family estrangement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family estrangement. Show all posts
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Exclusion
Exclusion still exists in my family. The details are not important; however, what is noteworthy is that some form of estrangement, exclusion, ostracism, or rejection continues to make the rounds.
The sad part of the exclusion is that it is such a big part of the fabric of our family that it is accepted as a given - even while silently watching a family member in pain.(see: When Healthy Looks Crazy).
The excluded individual must learn to navigate the pain of rejection on their own. That is where self-care must come in. I must keep good boundaries so I don't put myself in situations where I will be/feel excluded. Unfortunately, watching history repeat itself in the younger family generation is painful. My family seems to believe that the victim of exclusion "should not let it bother them" and continue to put themselves in harms way. Unfortunately, humans are not wired to sustain rejection.
Studies show that experiencing a rejection activates the same part of the brain as when we experience physical pain. The same research also demonstrates that rejection mimics physical pain so much so that taking Tylenol eases the pain associated with rejection. Psychologists believe this is true because human evolution has wired our brains to link our survival to our dependance on our inclusion in the tribe.
According to Psychology Today, Rejection does not respond to reason. Participants were put through an experiment in which they were rejected by strangers. The experiment was rigged—the "strangers" were confederates of the researchers. Surprisingly, though, even being told that the "strangers" who had "rejected" them did not actually reject them did little to ease the emotional pain participants felt. Even being told that the strangers belonged to a group they despised such as the KKK did little to soothe people's hurt feelings. Guy Winch, Ph.D. "10 Surprising Facts About Rejection." The Squeaky Wheel. PsychologyToday.com. 3 July 2013. Web. 7 Sept. 2014.
You can see the whole article here: 10 Surprising Facts About Rejection
Bottom line, our well-being always comes back to boundaries. As adults the individual alone is responsible for their own well-being.
The sad part of the exclusion is that it is such a big part of the fabric of our family that it is accepted as a given - even while silently watching a family member in pain.(see: When Healthy Looks Crazy).
The excluded individual must learn to navigate the pain of rejection on their own. That is where self-care must come in. I must keep good boundaries so I don't put myself in situations where I will be/feel excluded. Unfortunately, watching history repeat itself in the younger family generation is painful. My family seems to believe that the victim of exclusion "should not let it bother them" and continue to put themselves in harms way. Unfortunately, humans are not wired to sustain rejection.
Studies show that experiencing a rejection activates the same part of the brain as when we experience physical pain. The same research also demonstrates that rejection mimics physical pain so much so that taking Tylenol eases the pain associated with rejection. Psychologists believe this is true because human evolution has wired our brains to link our survival to our dependance on our inclusion in the tribe.
According to Psychology Today, Rejection does not respond to reason. Participants were put through an experiment in which they were rejected by strangers. The experiment was rigged—the "strangers" were confederates of the researchers. Surprisingly, though, even being told that the "strangers" who had "rejected" them did not actually reject them did little to ease the emotional pain participants felt. Even being told that the strangers belonged to a group they despised such as the KKK did little to soothe people's hurt feelings. Guy Winch, Ph.D. "10 Surprising Facts About Rejection." The Squeaky Wheel. PsychologyToday.com. 3 July 2013. Web. 7 Sept. 2014.
You can see the whole article here: 10 Surprising Facts About Rejection
Bottom line, our well-being always comes back to boundaries. As adults the individual alone is responsible for their own well-being.
Return to Blogging
I haven't blogged for some time. I felt like I had exhausted everything I had to say about estrangement and reconciliation.
I am grateful that my blog has been helpful to many people dealing with the pain of estrangement. I want to say thank you to all of you who have continued to reach out to me through blog comments and email even though I haven't blogged consistently for four years. It is comforting to know that the sharing of my journey has helped others.
For the last eight years I have been navigating my family reconciliation. I must say, reconciliation is very hard and very delicate work. Reuniting with my family has had some major rewards, enabled continued growth, as well as some pain. Overall, it has been worthwhile. Yet, dysfunctional families, don't become functional just because there is reconciliation. All the dysfunction still exists; the challenge is the response. I must keep good boundaries, continue to work hard, and bask in the rewards when they come my way.
I thought I would write a few posts at this point on issues that I/we still struggle with as well as what makes our reconciliation worthwhile.
I am grateful that my blog has been helpful to many people dealing with the pain of estrangement. I want to say thank you to all of you who have continued to reach out to me through blog comments and email even though I haven't blogged consistently for four years. It is comforting to know that the sharing of my journey has helped others.
For the last eight years I have been navigating my family reconciliation. I must say, reconciliation is very hard and very delicate work. Reuniting with my family has had some major rewards, enabled continued growth, as well as some pain. Overall, it has been worthwhile. Yet, dysfunctional families, don't become functional just because there is reconciliation. All the dysfunction still exists; the challenge is the response. I must keep good boundaries, continue to work hard, and bask in the rewards when they come my way.
I thought I would write a few posts at this point on issues that I/we still struggle with as well as what makes our reconciliation worthwhile.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Family Estrangement Books and Resources:
This is an old post from September 2008. I thought I would re-post this for anyone coming across my blog for the very first time.
Support Groups:
Healing from Family Rifts Yahoo Support Group for anyone dealing with a Family Rift – Membership required to read or post messages. Covers "all" sides and types of family estrangement. As of March 2009, the largest group of active members is adult children estranged from their parents.
Estranged Stories for anyone dealing with a Family Rift - This is a Ning Social Networking Support Group. Membership required to read or post messages. At the time of this addition (March 2009), the active membership is predominately made up of parents who are estranged from their adult children.
Motherless3 Yahoo Support Group for Motherless Daughters who have lost their mother due to Rejection, Abandonment, or Estrangement. Membership required to read or post messages.
Garden Web Parents Forum – Public Message board with threads on family estrangement.
Dr. Joshua Coleman’s Website has comment sections for parents to discuss their estrangements.
MEET UP GROUPS
AARP online magazine message boards (family section) often deals with the topic of family estrangement.
Websites Dealing with Family Estrangement:
H.E.R. Healing Estranged Relationships
Support 4 Change
Family Intervention
Estrangements
Family Wanted
Mark Sichel's Blog
Books:
Healing from family rifts: Ten steps to finding peace after being cut off from a family member, by Mark Sichel, LCSW
When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along, by Joshua Coleman
I Thought We’d Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation, by Laura Davis
Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them, by Barbara Lebay
FRAGMENTED FAMILIES: Patterns of Estrangement and Reconciliation, by Ellen Sucov
Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents, by Jane Isay
For Mothers of Difficult Daughters; How to Enrich and Repair the Relationship in Adulthood, by Charney Herst
When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life, by Victoria Secunda
I'm OK, You're My Parents : How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works, by Dale Atkins
Making Peace with Your Parents, by Harold Bloomfield MD
Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted, by Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C.
Making Peace With Your Adult Children: A Guide to Family Healing, by Shauna Smith
Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation, by Nancy Richards
Support Groups:
Healing from Family Rifts Yahoo Support Group for anyone dealing with a Family Rift – Membership required to read or post messages. Covers "all" sides and types of family estrangement. As of March 2009, the largest group of active members is adult children estranged from their parents.
Estranged Stories for anyone dealing with a Family Rift - This is a Ning Social Networking Support Group. Membership required to read or post messages. At the time of this addition (March 2009), the active membership is predominately made up of parents who are estranged from their adult children.
Motherless3 Yahoo Support Group for Motherless Daughters who have lost their mother due to Rejection, Abandonment, or Estrangement. Membership required to read or post messages.
Garden Web Parents Forum – Public Message board with threads on family estrangement.
Dr. Joshua Coleman’s Website has comment sections for parents to discuss their estrangements.
MEET UP GROUPS
AARP online magazine message boards (family section) often deals with the topic of family estrangement.
Websites Dealing with Family Estrangement:
H.E.R. Healing Estranged Relationships
Support 4 Change
Family Intervention
Estrangements
Family Wanted
Mark Sichel's Blog
Books:
Healing from family rifts: Ten steps to finding peace after being cut off from a family member, by Mark Sichel, LCSW
When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along, by Joshua Coleman
I Thought We’d Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation, by Laura Davis
Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them, by Barbara Lebay
FRAGMENTED FAMILIES: Patterns of Estrangement and Reconciliation, by Ellen Sucov
Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents, by Jane Isay
For Mothers of Difficult Daughters; How to Enrich and Repair the Relationship in Adulthood, by Charney Herst
When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life, by Victoria Secunda
I'm OK, You're My Parents : How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works, by Dale Atkins
Making Peace with Your Parents, by Harold Bloomfield MD
Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted, by Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C.
Making Peace With Your Adult Children: A Guide to Family Healing, by Shauna Smith
Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation, by Nancy Richards
Friday, April 23, 2010
THANK YOU!!
Thank you, to all those who have written to me since my last post. I enjoy receiving your blog comments, private e-mails, personal stories, and discussions on various survivor topics.
I am very grateful that so many people have taken the time to let me know that the sharing of my experience has been helpful to them.
The bulk of my healing process occurred prior to the advent of the internet. I didn't know any other abuse and/or estrangement survivors. Actually, I never even heard the term "child abuse" until I was in my twenties. Further, when I became estranged (and for a great deal of time afterword), I had never heard of family estrangement. Given my isolation from other survivor's, I didn't have anyone to help "pave the way," validate my experiences, or to tell me that given my experiences, my feelings were "normal." It was a painful and lonely way to live.
After decades of healing through "trial and error," I became passionate about easing the way for other survivors by trying to offer the sort of support, validation and guidance, I had longed for over the years. None-the-less, it was terrifying to expose the intimate details of my psyche by writing my books. Whenever I receive a letter letting me know that my words have made a difference, it makes it all worth while.
Quite often, I hear from Christian survivors who feel guilty about their perceived obligation to forgive a chronic abuser, which is superseded by their inability to forgive.
A common source driving their sense of obligation stems from the following verses:
Matthew 6:14-15 KJV For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 18:21-22 KJV Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
A Christian reader just sent me an interesting link on this topic titled "Should I offer forgiveness without repentance," from rbc ministries (the publishers of "Our Daily Bread").
Excerpted:
Unconditional forgiveness is canceling a debt to all those who intentionally offend us, whether or not they own up to what they have done. Offering forgiveness without repentance, however, does not follow the biblical model of forgiveness (Luke 17:3,4).
I am very grateful that so many people have taken the time to let me know that the sharing of my experience has been helpful to them.
The bulk of my healing process occurred prior to the advent of the internet. I didn't know any other abuse and/or estrangement survivors. Actually, I never even heard the term "child abuse" until I was in my twenties. Further, when I became estranged (and for a great deal of time afterword), I had never heard of family estrangement. Given my isolation from other survivor's, I didn't have anyone to help "pave the way," validate my experiences, or to tell me that given my experiences, my feelings were "normal." It was a painful and lonely way to live.
After decades of healing through "trial and error," I became passionate about easing the way for other survivors by trying to offer the sort of support, validation and guidance, I had longed for over the years. None-the-less, it was terrifying to expose the intimate details of my psyche by writing my books. Whenever I receive a letter letting me know that my words have made a difference, it makes it all worth while.
Quite often, I hear from Christian survivors who feel guilty about their perceived obligation to forgive a chronic abuser, which is superseded by their inability to forgive.
A common source driving their sense of obligation stems from the following verses:
Matthew 6:14-15 KJV For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Matthew 18:21-22 KJV Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
A Christian reader just sent me an interesting link on this topic titled "Should I offer forgiveness without repentance," from rbc ministries (the publishers of "Our Daily Bread").
Excerpted:
Unconditional forgiveness is canceling a debt to all those who intentionally offend us, whether or not they own up to what they have done. Offering forgiveness without repentance, however, does not follow the biblical model of forgiveness (Luke 17:3,4).
The Bible says that we are to forgive as God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13). God forgives us when we repent (Mark 1:15, Luke 13:3,5, Acts 3:19). He does not grant forgiveness to those of us who are stiff-necked and refuse to repent. We must recognize our sin and repent to receive and enjoy God's merciful forgiveness. God requires repentance and so must we.
Repentance is important because it's a person's only hope for real change (Matthew 18:3; Acts 26:20). If we don't admit our sin, it's impossible to be transformed. If we aren't keenly aware of the sinful direction our lives are going, we will not see a need to adjust the direction. Repentance demonstrates that we need God to help us change our thinking, attitudes, and behavior.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Hello Again....
.....kind of.
Well, for the last couple of months I have been busy working on my house. It has been a great deal of hard work, and fun!
Every now and again, I receive a comment/question on one of my prior posts. Thank you!!! I am always happy to respond, reminding myself that I am still connected to the abuse/estrangement survivor community.
I keep thinking I should hop on and write a post, but never seem to get around to it. Up until a couple of months ago, I posted extensively on the various issues I encountered on my healing journey. Whenever someone writes to me with a question, or, to share their experience, I find that I can direct them to a post I've already written on the topic.
My family and I have been reconciled for over three years now and although I still have a great deal of empathy for the abuse recovery and/or estrangement experience, it is no longer a part of my everyday life. Therefore, I really don't have anything new to post.
As a survivor, I'm sure new issues will come up from time to time, and when they do, I will share my experience. Until then, feel free to peruse my older posts and/or to contact me. I'm always happy to lend my support.
Blessings,
Nancy
Well, for the last couple of months I have been busy working on my house. It has been a great deal of hard work, and fun!
Every now and again, I receive a comment/question on one of my prior posts. Thank you!!! I am always happy to respond, reminding myself that I am still connected to the abuse/estrangement survivor community.
I keep thinking I should hop on and write a post, but never seem to get around to it. Up until a couple of months ago, I posted extensively on the various issues I encountered on my healing journey. Whenever someone writes to me with a question, or, to share their experience, I find that I can direct them to a post I've already written on the topic.
My family and I have been reconciled for over three years now and although I still have a great deal of empathy for the abuse recovery and/or estrangement experience, it is no longer a part of my everyday life. Therefore, I really don't have anything new to post.
As a survivor, I'm sure new issues will come up from time to time, and when they do, I will share my experience. Until then, feel free to peruse my older posts and/or to contact me. I'm always happy to lend my support.
Blessings,
Nancy
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Did That Just Happen?
I can't count the number of times I found myself on the receiving end of some sort of physical or emotional violence only to have my mother (or other family members) "pretend" nothing happened.
As a child, I sometimes questioned my sanity: Did that just happen?
As a young adult, the "pretending" made me angry.
As both a child and a young adult, I used to walk on eggshells around my mother. I never knew when she would unleash a rampage: cursing, yelling, belittling, blaming, etc. Then, the next time I'd see her she'd greet me with a big smile and the words, "Hi honey!" like nothing ever happened. It was crazy-making stuff!
I know I'm not alone in this experience. A common complaint I hear from other adult abuse survivors who are trying to maintain or re-establish contact with a family member is that of contending with a tirade over the phone, by e-mail, or in person only to have their family member act as if nothing happened the next time around.
While it is true that "pretending" can be rooted in some sort of sociopathy (no conscious), I don't think that is always the case. I believe that many abusers have a conscious but don't regard their behavior as abusive.
I read something once that said that human beings can't bear the thought that we have done something horrible, because if we did, we wouldn't be able to live with ourselves. Our tortured conscious requires us to take some sort of action to resolve our inner turmoil. We have a couple of choices:
A) We can help the other individual by repairing the damage we've done. This also helps us by easing our conscious. However, many people don't have the strength, courage, awareness, or emotional capability to repair the damage; so, they choose plan B.
B) We can ease our conscious by convincing ourselves that what we did wasn't so bad (or was justified) and then banish it from our mind like it didn't happen.
In other words, when it comes to abuse's and someone "pretends," it didn't happen, there isn't anything we can do to "make" them acknowledge the offenses. If they can't "repair" it - they have to "ignore" it.
My mother definitely has a conscious. For years, I tried to plead to her conscious to do the "right" thing. To me, reparation seemed like an easy thing to do - acknowledge, apologize, don't do it again . It took a great deal of time for me to wrap my head around the concept that no amount of explaining or pleading would result in acknowledgment. She didn't know how to "repair" the damage (or change her behavior), so her conscious wouldn't allow her to accept that she did something horrible.
Sixteen years ago, amidst continued family violence, the less healed me wasn't able to safe-guard my own well being, or that of my children. At the time, my only choice was estrangement. For some people, persistent physical and emotional violence continues to prohibit any safe contact. However, in my case, time changed some of the dynamics in my family. And, our fourteen years apart afforded me enough healing (and validation from others), that I was able to heal my past trauma without my mothers acknowledgment of the "specifics." I also learned to keep myself out of harms way in the present by setting and maintaining clear, respectful boundaries.
Thus far, the "pretending" issue hasn't come up again, but if it does, I know there is nothing I can do except safe-guard my own well-being.
As a child, I sometimes questioned my sanity: Did that just happen?
As a young adult, the "pretending" made me angry.
As both a child and a young adult, I used to walk on eggshells around my mother. I never knew when she would unleash a rampage: cursing, yelling, belittling, blaming, etc. Then, the next time I'd see her she'd greet me with a big smile and the words, "Hi honey!" like nothing ever happened. It was crazy-making stuff!
I know I'm not alone in this experience. A common complaint I hear from other adult abuse survivors who are trying to maintain or re-establish contact with a family member is that of contending with a tirade over the phone, by e-mail, or in person only to have their family member act as if nothing happened the next time around.
While it is true that "pretending" can be rooted in some sort of sociopathy (no conscious), I don't think that is always the case. I believe that many abusers have a conscious but don't regard their behavior as abusive.
I read something once that said that human beings can't bear the thought that we have done something horrible, because if we did, we wouldn't be able to live with ourselves. Our tortured conscious requires us to take some sort of action to resolve our inner turmoil. We have a couple of choices:
A) We can help the other individual by repairing the damage we've done. This also helps us by easing our conscious. However, many people don't have the strength, courage, awareness, or emotional capability to repair the damage; so, they choose plan B.
B) We can ease our conscious by convincing ourselves that what we did wasn't so bad (or was justified) and then banish it from our mind like it didn't happen.
In other words, when it comes to abuse's and someone "pretends," it didn't happen, there isn't anything we can do to "make" them acknowledge the offenses. If they can't "repair" it - they have to "ignore" it.
My mother definitely has a conscious. For years, I tried to plead to her conscious to do the "right" thing. To me, reparation seemed like an easy thing to do - acknowledge, apologize, don't do it again . It took a great deal of time for me to wrap my head around the concept that no amount of explaining or pleading would result in acknowledgment. She didn't know how to "repair" the damage (or change her behavior), so her conscious wouldn't allow her to accept that she did something horrible.
Sixteen years ago, amidst continued family violence, the less healed me wasn't able to safe-guard my own well being, or that of my children. At the time, my only choice was estrangement. For some people, persistent physical and emotional violence continues to prohibit any safe contact. However, in my case, time changed some of the dynamics in my family. And, our fourteen years apart afforded me enough healing (and validation from others), that I was able to heal my past trauma without my mothers acknowledgment of the "specifics." I also learned to keep myself out of harms way in the present by setting and maintaining clear, respectful boundaries.
Thus far, the "pretending" issue hasn't come up again, but if it does, I know there is nothing I can do except safe-guard my own well-being.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Facebook and Estrangement
I often hear from people who have had a bad expeirence when they have either tried to contact, or have been contacted by an estranged family member through facebook, and then they wrestle with what to do.
The advent of many social networking sites has created a dilemma for many estranged, partially estranged, and newly reconciled family members. A common senario:
While perusing facebook, you stumble upon your estranged parent, child, or sibling. Your heart begins to race and your emotions stir like the waves of an ocean being whipped by conflicting winds. What to do? Curiosity get the better of you. Do I send a friends request? Or, not?
Establishing contact through a social networking site is risky business that often results in a lose-lose situation. The person who attempts contact often feels hurt, angry, and rejected, while the one who is contacted can view the intrusion as a boundary violation.
Fortunately, my family members re-established contact privately and to this day we are not social networking "friends." This enabled me to safe-guard my boundaries and explore our relationships at my own pace. If one of my family members had sent me a "friends" request to re-establish contact, I would have felt comfortable exercising a boundary in this area by saying, "I am interested in re-establishing contact through e-mail, and by telephone; however, facebook is not a comfortable arena for me to work at rebuilding a relationship with you."
The advent of many social networking sites has created a dilemma for many estranged, partially estranged, and newly reconciled family members. A common senario:
While perusing facebook, you stumble upon your estranged parent, child, or sibling. Your heart begins to race and your emotions stir like the waves of an ocean being whipped by conflicting winds. What to do? Curiosity get the better of you. Do I send a friends request? Or, not?
Conversely
As tempting as it may seem, in my humble opinion, social networking sites are not the appropriate venue to connect with estranged, or newly reconciled family members. This also appears to be the consensus with many of my counterparts.You receive a notification that your estranged parent, child, or sibling has sent you a friends request. After the initial shock, your mind goes into overdrive. You may be very wary and not open to reconciliation. Contact through a social networking site causes you to feel intruded upon, stalked, angry, or fearful. The simple solution is to deny the request.
At best, you may find yourself in an awkward position. Even if you are open to reconciliation, granting unrestricted access to your personal life hardly seems wise.
I know people who have begrudgingly granted the request, only to find it necessary to later "block" the family member.
Therein lies the dilemma, if you are open to attempting reconciliation, how do you safe-guard this boundary, deny the request, but still convey an openness to explore a new relationship?
Reconciliation is best attempted in baby-steps; allowing for exercising appropriate boundaries while re-building trust and redefining the relationship and level of contact. The chances for success are greater when proceeding slowly. It is very difficult to pull back when we move too fast.
At best, you may find yourself in an awkward position. Even if you are open to reconciliation, granting unrestricted access to your personal life hardly seems wise.
I know people who have begrudgingly granted the request, only to find it necessary to later "block" the family member.
Therein lies the dilemma, if you are open to attempting reconciliation, how do you safe-guard this boundary, deny the request, but still convey an openness to explore a new relationship?
Reconciliation is best attempted in baby-steps; allowing for exercising appropriate boundaries while re-building trust and redefining the relationship and level of contact. The chances for success are greater when proceeding slowly. It is very difficult to pull back when we move too fast.
Establishing contact through a social networking site is risky business that often results in a lose-lose situation. The person who attempts contact often feels hurt, angry, and rejected, while the one who is contacted can view the intrusion as a boundary violation.
Fortunately, my family members re-established contact privately and to this day we are not social networking "friends." This enabled me to safe-guard my boundaries and explore our relationships at my own pace. If one of my family members had sent me a "friends" request to re-establish contact, I would have felt comfortable exercising a boundary in this area by saying, "I am interested in re-establishing contact through e-mail, and by telephone; however, facebook is not a comfortable arena for me to work at rebuilding a relationship with you."
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Update on Estrangement Polls - Please share your thoughts
On April 6, 2009, I began two polls on family estrangement. I'm starting a new poll and I'm going to keep the old polls going as well. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far! Your input is greatly appreciated!
So far, 71 people have given 175 responses to the question:
If you chose to estrange from a family member, what were your reasons?
They didn't accept my spouse 11 (15 %)
They didn't accept my choices -26 (36%)
They didn’t accept my sexuality 4 (5%)
Boundary issues – 26 (36%)
Abuse – 40 (56%)
Addiction -10 (14%)
Mental illness – 16 (22%)
Family business dispute - 5 (7%)
Wedding stress - 1 (1%)
By-product of divorce - 4 (5%)
Stress caused by the death of a family member - 4 (5%)
It just wasn't worth the aggravation – 18 (25%)
I don't know how to solve our conflicts - 9 (12%)
The other poll:
30 people have given 73 responses to the question:
If a family member estranged from you, what were their reasons?
I don't know – 5 (16 %)
Addictions – 4 (13)
Mental Illness – 7 (23%)
Didn't know how to resolve conflict – 9 (30%)
Selfishness - 11 (36%)
In- laws - 1 (3%)
Intolerance – 6 (20%)
Couldn't let go of the past – 7 (23%)
They believed lies about me – 10 (33%)
Can't forgive a mistake – 5 (16%)
Said I was too involved in their life – 2 (6%)
Abuse – 6 (20%)
There appears to be a wide range of reasons for estrangement; yet, I've been wondering a lot about the "divide" between estrangers and estrangees and how each camp views their estrangements quite differently.
After years of communicating with people dealing with estrangements, estrangers give multiple reasons the estrangee doesn't know why the estrangement came about, or sees it differently:
a) I didn't tell them why.
b) I told my family member why, but my family member didn't "hear" the reason,
c) I told my family member why, but my family member thought it was a bad reason, or
d) I told their family member why, but my family member rejected the reason as false.
For those who wish to re-establish relationships with estranged family members, reconciliation is difficult when the reason for estrangement is not understood. Most estrangers I have communicated with have told me that if the "reason" for estrangement no longer existed, they would be open to reconciliation. The problem seems to be that each "camp" sees the reasons differently.
I would appreciate any input from readers. If you have estranged from a family member, please vote in my new poll and, if you'd like, leave a comment as to whether:
a) You never told them the reason why.
b) You told them why, but they didn't "hear" the reason.
c) You told them why, but they thought it was a bad reason.
d) You told them why, but they rejected the reason as false, or
e) Any other answer not listed here.
In my own situation, continued extreme family violence was at the root of my decision to estrange from my mother.
In the years leading up to our estrangement I told my mother multiple times that the abuse was the root of our relationship problems and she didn't hear me; however, one day, I simply walked away. I stopped calling her or visiting her and she never called me. So for her, a) I never told her, and for me, b) I told her but she didn't "hear" the reason.
When I stopped seeing my mother, my grandmother and three brothers stopped seeing me.
My grandmother told me her reason: She didn't believe our abuse was as bad as I said. She said I was incorrigible and as long as I wouldn't see my mother, she wouldn't see me. So, for me c) I thought that was a bad reason to stop seeing a granddaughter and d) I rejected her reason as false.
My oldest brother told me he thought I was mentally ill - again, d) I rejected this reason as false. I believed he didn't see me because he took the path of least resistance. Rather than confronting a huge abusive family system, he participated in scapegoating me.
Another brother never told me why he estranged from me. After we reconciled, he said it was because he thought he had to choose between Mom and me. So, for me, I'd say a) he never told me - but also took the path of least resistance.
My youngest brother told me in a letter that he stopped seeing me because I single handedly destroyed our family. d) I rejected this reason as false - again, path of least resistance.
Since I am both an estranger and an estrangee, I can see how complicated this is. As an estranger, I was frustrated my mother didn't "hear" my reasons and wasn't willing to change. As an estrangee, I was frustrated by the "false" reasons of my family members.
How does a family, let alone an "outsider" determine the legitimacy of an estrangers reasons?
In order for me to reconcile with my family, it took the estrangee (my mother) to at least acknowledge abuse as my reason - (without rehashing the past). It also took her willingness to curtail major abusive behaviors, and my willingness to accept responsibility for myself and set great boundaries with her.
As the estrangee concerning my brothers, it took a willingness on my part to understand their reasons - whether I like the reasons or agree with them or not. In other words - they did the best they could - given our family circumstances.
I needed to heal from my past abuse enough that I no longer need their support and understanding. I had to be willing to stop trying to change their perceptions, be able to maintain excellent boundaries, safe-guard my own well-being, and find new ways of behaving and coping with old family problems.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
The Shack
Popular stories of "instant" forgiveness always concern me. The Shack, by William P. Young is no exception.
When I began reading The Shack, the author captivated me with a compelling story that began by briefly outlining a tale of family violence and estrangement. Mack, the central character, left home at the age of thirteen after spending two days tied to a tree while being beaten by his father for telling the "family secret" to a church elder.
Mack adapted to life on his own quickly, and journeyed forward by "burying" his past. As an adult, he opened his heart to create a new loving family with his wife and children - only to have an unspeakable tragedy strike again - the kidnapping and murder of his six-year old daughter.
Young eloquently captures the human spirit in Mack's questioning of how God could allow such a tragedy to befall His innocent children. He further questions if he can open his heart and trust his Heavenly Father, when his human father hurt him so deeply.
The author held my interest with the mysterious letter from Papa (God) inviting Mack back to the shack where he experienced the darkest moment of his past; the shack where he discovered confirming evidence of his daughters murder. Was this a sick joke? A trap set by the murderer? Or, a message from God?
Once inside the shack however, the story took on a "New-Age" detour that offered Band-Aid type platitudes and simplistic catch-phrases, rather than surgery for the soul.
The author does share some "pearls of wisdom" - especially in the messages of God's love for His people. Much of what he says in this regard is true; however, he dismisses any notion that God is just, fair, or has any rules, laws, or expectations; when in fact, our God of the Bible is both loving and just.
Which leads me to forgiveness: Again, the author offers some "pearls of wisdom" in that forgiveness is not about excusing, forgetting, trusting, or even necessarily reconciliation. Nonetheless, the god of The Shack sidesteps any prerequisites such as confession, repentance, restitution, and justice (Luke 17:3 - Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive).
After more than a days worth of conversations with Papa (God), Jesus, and Sarayu (The Holy Spirit) on the general principles of love, Sarayu heals Mack's human eyes so that he can see as God sees. As Mack looks out over a sea of God's children in the form of beautiful color and light, he notices one agitated light. When Sarayu reveals that light as Mack's dead father, he runs to embrace him in joyous forgiveness and reconciliation.
A few chapters later, Mack repeats this "magical" sort of forgiveness for the man who murdered his daughter even though we see no evidence of Mack working to heal his loss or deal with the injustice. Further, the murderer was never identified, caught, or tried for his crime.
Yet, within the space of a short conversation with Papa (God), Mack traveled the emotional distance from his desire for revenge to forgiveness:
Papa to Mack: "...You already know what I want, don't you?" (Kindle version, location 3573)
"Papa," he cried, "how can I ever forgive that son of a bitch who killed my Missy. If he were here today, I don't know what I would do. I know it isn't right, but I want him to hurt like he hurt me...if I can't get justice I still want revenge." (Kindle version - location 3576)
After Papa and Mack engage in a discussion on the power and necessity of forgiveness, Mack says out loud:
"I forgive you. I forgive you . I forgive you." (Kindle version - location 3629)
Then, Mack asks, "So, is it all right if I'm still angry?"
Papa was quick to respond "Absolutely!..." (location 3634)
This sort of inauthentic forgiveness places an unrealistic burden on those who are unable to forgive by "magic." In the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance." Additionally, it cheapens the journey for trauma survivors who have done the hard work to heal and possibly even forgive. (See Forgiveness and Abuse).
While it is true that forgiveness is made manifest by the love and grace of God, forgiveness requires our participation in the process. One of the dangers of encouraging premature forgiveness is that it usually doesn't last; thereby impeding genuine healing and forgiveness. Another danger is using premature forgiveness as a method of avoiding the truth, and feelings, or emotions that are too painful to "examine."
If we follow Christ's example, even Jesus expressed 27 verses of anger in Matthew 23:13-39 before going to the cross. If we hope to permanently forgive, expressing anger is an important part of the process. Additionally, it is interesting to note that Jesus did not utter the words, "I forgive you," Himself, but rather, He asked His Father who remained all powerful to forgive the unrepentant. ("Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34)
The true gift of forgiveness is in the spiritual and emotional growth we experience during an authentic healing process. God's power is truly fulfilled when the offender repents, the victim forgives, and both participate in the process. In the absence of repentance, forgiveness is not an obligation on the part of someone who has been harmed, but can take place with adequate healing.
As an abuse survivor, I for one, wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned by creating the space necessary to heal. Lessons about trusting others to validate my pain, anger, and sadness; trusting myself to safe-guard my own well-being; to respond appropriately to betrayal and injustice; to remain present with my feelings; to set boundaries; practice self-care, and take responsibility for my life. Through it all, I have experienced proof of God's love for me. All these "gifts" and more would have been lost with "false," premature, or instantaneous forgiveness, as well as undercut tangible, realistic, long-term solutions for real human suffering.
Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It's not a bolt of light that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a slow transformational process. Hard earned life-lessons take a great deal of time and grueling work!
God doesn't promise to heal us by "magic," but rather invites us to trust that His Love and Grace will carry us through as we participate in our own healing journey.
When I began reading The Shack, the author captivated me with a compelling story that began by briefly outlining a tale of family violence and estrangement. Mack, the central character, left home at the age of thirteen after spending two days tied to a tree while being beaten by his father for telling the "family secret" to a church elder.
Mack adapted to life on his own quickly, and journeyed forward by "burying" his past. As an adult, he opened his heart to create a new loving family with his wife and children - only to have an unspeakable tragedy strike again - the kidnapping and murder of his six-year old daughter.
Young eloquently captures the human spirit in Mack's questioning of how God could allow such a tragedy to befall His innocent children. He further questions if he can open his heart and trust his Heavenly Father, when his human father hurt him so deeply.
The author held my interest with the mysterious letter from Papa (God) inviting Mack back to the shack where he experienced the darkest moment of his past; the shack where he discovered confirming evidence of his daughters murder. Was this a sick joke? A trap set by the murderer? Or, a message from God?
Once inside the shack however, the story took on a "New-Age" detour that offered Band-Aid type platitudes and simplistic catch-phrases, rather than surgery for the soul.
The author does share some "pearls of wisdom" - especially in the messages of God's love for His people. Much of what he says in this regard is true; however, he dismisses any notion that God is just, fair, or has any rules, laws, or expectations; when in fact, our God of the Bible is both loving and just.
Which leads me to forgiveness: Again, the author offers some "pearls of wisdom" in that forgiveness is not about excusing, forgetting, trusting, or even necessarily reconciliation. Nonetheless, the god of The Shack sidesteps any prerequisites such as confession, repentance, restitution, and justice (Luke 17:3 - Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive).
After more than a days worth of conversations with Papa (God), Jesus, and Sarayu (The Holy Spirit) on the general principles of love, Sarayu heals Mack's human eyes so that he can see as God sees. As Mack looks out over a sea of God's children in the form of beautiful color and light, he notices one agitated light. When Sarayu reveals that light as Mack's dead father, he runs to embrace him in joyous forgiveness and reconciliation.
A few chapters later, Mack repeats this "magical" sort of forgiveness for the man who murdered his daughter even though we see no evidence of Mack working to heal his loss or deal with the injustice. Further, the murderer was never identified, caught, or tried for his crime.
Yet, within the space of a short conversation with Papa (God), Mack traveled the emotional distance from his desire for revenge to forgiveness:
Papa to Mack: "...You already know what I want, don't you?" (Kindle version, location 3573)
"Papa," he cried, "how can I ever forgive that son of a bitch who killed my Missy. If he were here today, I don't know what I would do. I know it isn't right, but I want him to hurt like he hurt me...if I can't get justice I still want revenge." (Kindle version - location 3576)
After Papa and Mack engage in a discussion on the power and necessity of forgiveness, Mack says out loud:
"I forgive you. I forgive you . I forgive you." (Kindle version - location 3629)
Then, Mack asks, "So, is it all right if I'm still angry?"
Papa was quick to respond "Absolutely!..." (location 3634)
This sort of inauthentic forgiveness places an unrealistic burden on those who are unable to forgive by "magic." In the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance." Additionally, it cheapens the journey for trauma survivors who have done the hard work to heal and possibly even forgive. (See Forgiveness and Abuse).
While it is true that forgiveness is made manifest by the love and grace of God, forgiveness requires our participation in the process. One of the dangers of encouraging premature forgiveness is that it usually doesn't last; thereby impeding genuine healing and forgiveness. Another danger is using premature forgiveness as a method of avoiding the truth, and feelings, or emotions that are too painful to "examine."
If we follow Christ's example, even Jesus expressed 27 verses of anger in Matthew 23:13-39 before going to the cross. If we hope to permanently forgive, expressing anger is an important part of the process. Additionally, it is interesting to note that Jesus did not utter the words, "I forgive you," Himself, but rather, He asked His Father who remained all powerful to forgive the unrepentant. ("Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34)
The true gift of forgiveness is in the spiritual and emotional growth we experience during an authentic healing process. God's power is truly fulfilled when the offender repents, the victim forgives, and both participate in the process. In the absence of repentance, forgiveness is not an obligation on the part of someone who has been harmed, but can take place with adequate healing.
As an abuse survivor, I for one, wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned by creating the space necessary to heal. Lessons about trusting others to validate my pain, anger, and sadness; trusting myself to safe-guard my own well-being; to respond appropriately to betrayal and injustice; to remain present with my feelings; to set boundaries; practice self-care, and take responsibility for my life. Through it all, I have experienced proof of God's love for me. All these "gifts" and more would have been lost with "false," premature, or instantaneous forgiveness, as well as undercut tangible, realistic, long-term solutions for real human suffering.
Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It's not a bolt of light that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a slow transformational process. Hard earned life-lessons take a great deal of time and grueling work!
God doesn't promise to heal us by "magic," but rather invites us to trust that His Love and Grace will carry us through as we participate in our own healing journey.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
New Estrangement Support Sub-Groups
Someone recently asked me if I knew of any support groups for "estranged siblings."
Estranged Stories, a fairly new ning estrangement support group just added six sub-groups including:
Siblings of Estrangement
Grandparents
Parents Estranged from Daughters
Parents Estranged from Sons
Adult Children Estranged from Parents
Resolutions and Reconciliations
Estranged Stories, a fairly new ning estrangement support group just added six sub-groups including:
Siblings of Estrangement
Grandparents
Parents Estranged from Daughters
Parents Estranged from Sons
Adult Children Estranged from Parents
Resolutions and Reconciliations
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The Stages of Blame...
...for me at least:
1) Self-Blame
2) Blaming the Perpetrator
3) Reclaiming and Taking Responsibility for my life - Moving from Victim to Survivor
1) Self- Blame: For me, stage one lasted the longest; more than twenty years. Sometimes, I still mourn for the little girl who felt suffocated under the load of blame and shame; hopelessness and betrayal.
Ever since childhood, I internalized my mothers blame, denial and the minimization of my abuse. Other family members and bystanders contributed to my feelings of shame as well. Sometimes, self-blame manifested itself by my arguing to be heard and defensiveness. Finally, during a therapy session at the age of 35, I pondered how I would react if someone threw one of my children down a flight of cement stairs. The thought of anyone hurting one of my kids horrified me. Although it was difficult, I turned the corner from internalizing blame to accepting my mothers responsibility for my abuse.
2) Blaming the Perpetrator: This stage also lasted a long time; approximately ten years. I placed the responsibility for my childhood abuse squarely where it belonged - on my abusers.
This ten year period was a time of huge growth for me. I was freed from my denial and had the opportunity to really examine my abuse and the effect it had on my life. I expressed my anger, I mourned my losses and learned to love the little girl of long ago.
3) Reclaiming and Taking Responsibility for my life - Moving from Victim to Survivor:
Self-blame was an unfortunate by-product of abuse. Blaming the abuser was an important and necessary shift in the recovery process. Armed with the reality of the facts, I was able to set a healing foundation to safeguard my own well being. At that point in my recovery- how my psyche became damaged, wasn't as important to me as how I was going to move forward to the life I deserved. I realized that the only one who could take responsibility for my life was me!
Moving past the blame was a huge relief for me. It gave me control over my own life and felt very empowering. This doesn't mean that I have erased from my mind that my abusers are responsible for my abuse. On the contrary. It means that no longer "obsess" about the blame, but rather take responsible for my life today!
I went through a similar process with my family estrangement: Self-blame and defensiveness; blaming my family; and then taking responsibility for my own life.
What a relief. My family no longer has control over my life!
1) Self-Blame
2) Blaming the Perpetrator
3) Reclaiming and Taking Responsibility for my life - Moving from Victim to Survivor
1) Self- Blame: For me, stage one lasted the longest; more than twenty years. Sometimes, I still mourn for the little girl who felt suffocated under the load of blame and shame; hopelessness and betrayal.
Ever since childhood, I internalized my mothers blame, denial and the minimization of my abuse. Other family members and bystanders contributed to my feelings of shame as well. Sometimes, self-blame manifested itself by my arguing to be heard and defensiveness. Finally, during a therapy session at the age of 35, I pondered how I would react if someone threw one of my children down a flight of cement stairs. The thought of anyone hurting one of my kids horrified me. Although it was difficult, I turned the corner from internalizing blame to accepting my mothers responsibility for my abuse.
2) Blaming the Perpetrator: This stage also lasted a long time; approximately ten years. I placed the responsibility for my childhood abuse squarely where it belonged - on my abusers.
This ten year period was a time of huge growth for me. I was freed from my denial and had the opportunity to really examine my abuse and the effect it had on my life. I expressed my anger, I mourned my losses and learned to love the little girl of long ago.
3) Reclaiming and Taking Responsibility for my life - Moving from Victim to Survivor:
Self-blame was an unfortunate by-product of abuse. Blaming the abuser was an important and necessary shift in the recovery process. Armed with the reality of the facts, I was able to set a healing foundation to safeguard my own well being. At that point in my recovery- how my psyche became damaged, wasn't as important to me as how I was going to move forward to the life I deserved. I realized that the only one who could take responsibility for my life was me!
Moving past the blame was a huge relief for me. It gave me control over my own life and felt very empowering. This doesn't mean that I have erased from my mind that my abusers are responsible for my abuse. On the contrary. It means that no longer "obsess" about the blame, but rather take responsible for my life today!
I went through a similar process with my family estrangement: Self-blame and defensiveness; blaming my family; and then taking responsibility for my own life.
What a relief. My family no longer has control over my life!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Why Isn't it Okay to Be Angry?
Most everyone says it is good to express our feelings; happy, glad, sad, fear, affection, guilt, shame, grief, courage, respect, hope...and then there is the dreaded - anger!
Lately, many people have said to me, "Why does everyone tell me that I shouldn't be angry? That makes me even angrier!"
Since so many people have talked to me recently about their struggles with anger, I thought I would re-post one of the very first posts I wrote when I began blogging.
Dealing with Anger
Anger corrodes... Forgive and forget... Negativity is harmful to your health... These often-heard statements usually instill a sense of urgency that implies that we should "get over it" immediately.
For many years, I was so frightened to admit that I was angry that I tried to pretend I was not.
I continued to allow my abuse while I worked at suppressing my anger. Eventually, I felt little else but simmering resentment. Without receiving validation that I had a right to my feelings, my anger remained stuffed inside and unresolved.
Anger has its place. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to embrace my anger. Not forever, but long enough to respect a healthy sort of rage over what had happened to me. My anger provided a tool for protecting myself from further harm, and a springboard from which to heal.
Although my mom abused and betrayed me, I felt very conflicted about her. She hurt me deeply, and nevertheless I loved my mother. I loved her and I was angry with her.
People are often uncomfortable with anger and therefore advise us that it isn't good to be angry. Their well-meaning advice proved to be a great disservice to me.
It wasn't until I did receive validation from other people that I found appropriate ways to discharge my rage, protect myself, and move past my anger. I gave myself permission to be constructively angry - to use my irritation as an aid in moving forward - until the hurt no longer felt present. It is important to honor the depth of our injuries as a way of moving past the pain.
Finding methods to diffuse my resentment wasn't easy. Solitary anger exercises were not effective for me. I tried techniques such as writing an angry letter and ceremoniously burning it. Still my anger remained.
Expressing my anger in the company of trusted confidantes was very helpful. Dark humor like "bad mother" jokes helps for me as well. Participating with friends in interactive exercises gave me the sense of not being alone, and validated that I had a right to my anger. I am certain that what makes seemingly unbearable pain bearable, is the ability of another to hold our pain. They held my pain and helped me move past my rage.
There is an important distinction between - a) perpetuating anger by raging at the individuals who harmed us, and - b) discharging anger in safe environments apart from the individuals who caused the harm.
Bringing my injuries "into the light" and acknowledging my anger in the safety of supportive individuals brought me emotional freedom, and a measure of peace.
Lately, many people have said to me, "Why does everyone tell me that I shouldn't be angry? That makes me even angrier!"
Since so many people have talked to me recently about their struggles with anger, I thought I would re-post one of the very first posts I wrote when I began blogging.
Dealing with Anger
Anger corrodes... Forgive and forget... Negativity is harmful to your health... These often-heard statements usually instill a sense of urgency that implies that we should "get over it" immediately.
For many years, I was so frightened to admit that I was angry that I tried to pretend I was not.
I continued to allow my abuse while I worked at suppressing my anger. Eventually, I felt little else but simmering resentment. Without receiving validation that I had a right to my feelings, my anger remained stuffed inside and unresolved.
Anger has its place. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to embrace my anger. Not forever, but long enough to respect a healthy sort of rage over what had happened to me. My anger provided a tool for protecting myself from further harm, and a springboard from which to heal.
Although my mom abused and betrayed me, I felt very conflicted about her. She hurt me deeply, and nevertheless I loved my mother. I loved her and I was angry with her.
People are often uncomfortable with anger and therefore advise us that it isn't good to be angry. Their well-meaning advice proved to be a great disservice to me.
It wasn't until I did receive validation from other people that I found appropriate ways to discharge my rage, protect myself, and move past my anger. I gave myself permission to be constructively angry - to use my irritation as an aid in moving forward - until the hurt no longer felt present. It is important to honor the depth of our injuries as a way of moving past the pain.
Finding methods to diffuse my resentment wasn't easy. Solitary anger exercises were not effective for me. I tried techniques such as writing an angry letter and ceremoniously burning it. Still my anger remained.
Expressing my anger in the company of trusted confidantes was very helpful. Dark humor like "bad mother" jokes helps for me as well. Participating with friends in interactive exercises gave me the sense of not being alone, and validated that I had a right to my anger. I am certain that what makes seemingly unbearable pain bearable, is the ability of another to hold our pain. They held my pain and helped me move past my rage.
There is an important distinction between - a) perpetuating anger by raging at the individuals who harmed us, and - b) discharging anger in safe environments apart from the individuals who caused the harm.
Bringing my injuries "into the light" and acknowledging my anger in the safety of supportive individuals brought me emotional freedom, and a measure of peace.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Spending Time With My Nieces and Nephews
Yesterday, I spent spent the afternoon at the Children's Museum with my youngest brother, his wife, and their four children, ages 8 months, 2, 3, and 4 years old. What a treat! We had loads of indescribable fun.
One of the many losses incurred with family estrangement is the loss of the children involved. When I became estranged from my family of origin, my two daughters were thirteen and ten. My oldest brothers children were approximately ten, eight, and four. Fourteen years later, when I reconciled with my family, all of these children were grown.
My youngest brother had two children at the time we reconciled. His son was two years old and his daughter was one.
There are many painful "firsts" when we become cut-off from our family members - first birthdays, holidays, successes, and tragedies - all dealt with alone. These same "firsts" can be bittersweet upon re-entry. My first reunion with my youngest brother and his family was at an outdoor dinner theater for a production of Annie. Meeting my nephew and niece for the very first time touched my heart with smiles and tears. We had lost precious time, never to be replaced. Yet, they were adorable and the play mesmerized them with child-like wonder.
In the two and a half years since our reconciliation, I have had the opportunity to share in the birth of two more of his children, birthdays, baptisms, and other special events.
My middle brother (who lives out of state) had three children during our estrangement. They are still quite young, and although I don't see them very often, it is wonderful to get to share in their lives.
My brother's children are bundles of energy - full of rambunctious excitement and laughter. With my own children grown, I delight in sharing occasional childhood events. For instance, visiting the zoo through a child's eyes, full of innocence and wonder. The energy and enthusiasm they exude retelling childhood experiences at school, with friends, or at dance class amuses me.
Reconciliations are hard work filled with many conflicting emotions, risks, and rewards. As time marches on, it gets easier and easier to simply enjoy.
One of the many losses incurred with family estrangement is the loss of the children involved. When I became estranged from my family of origin, my two daughters were thirteen and ten. My oldest brothers children were approximately ten, eight, and four. Fourteen years later, when I reconciled with my family, all of these children were grown.
My youngest brother had two children at the time we reconciled. His son was two years old and his daughter was one.
There are many painful "firsts" when we become cut-off from our family members - first birthdays, holidays, successes, and tragedies - all dealt with alone. These same "firsts" can be bittersweet upon re-entry. My first reunion with my youngest brother and his family was at an outdoor dinner theater for a production of Annie. Meeting my nephew and niece for the very first time touched my heart with smiles and tears. We had lost precious time, never to be replaced. Yet, they were adorable and the play mesmerized them with child-like wonder.
In the two and a half years since our reconciliation, I have had the opportunity to share in the birth of two more of his children, birthdays, baptisms, and other special events.
My middle brother (who lives out of state) had three children during our estrangement. They are still quite young, and although I don't see them very often, it is wonderful to get to share in their lives.
My brother's children are bundles of energy - full of rambunctious excitement and laughter. With my own children grown, I delight in sharing occasional childhood events. For instance, visiting the zoo through a child's eyes, full of innocence and wonder. The energy and enthusiasm they exude retelling childhood experiences at school, with friends, or at dance class amuses me.
Reconciliations are hard work filled with many conflicting emotions, risks, and rewards. As time marches on, it gets easier and easier to simply enjoy.
Estrangement Polls
I'm starting two polls on the reasons for family estrangement.
If you don't see the cause of your estrangement on the polls, please add a comment to this post. Blogger doesn't allow changes to a poll once voting has begun, but I will manually add it into the results when voting is done.
I've been in contact with many people who are estranged from family members and desperately wish to reunite. Often, they question why their loved ones wish to remain apart and are left to wonder "What happened?"
Estrangements are complicated. I believe that often, the reasons for estrangement have been building for years until one incident seems to have caused the rift. Usually our perceptions of why the estrangement happened are different from our family members. Estrangements are like icebergs - we only see the tip - yet the complicated dynamics are hidden far below the surface, often beyond our emotional comprehension.
In my own estrangement for instance, although family violence was the clear reason for me, each one of my family members thought the reasons for estrangement were completely different.
Thanks for your input!
If you don't see the cause of your estrangement on the polls, please add a comment to this post. Blogger doesn't allow changes to a poll once voting has begun, but I will manually add it into the results when voting is done.
I've been in contact with many people who are estranged from family members and desperately wish to reunite. Often, they question why their loved ones wish to remain apart and are left to wonder "What happened?"
Estrangements are complicated. I believe that often, the reasons for estrangement have been building for years until one incident seems to have caused the rift. Usually our perceptions of why the estrangement happened are different from our family members. Estrangements are like icebergs - we only see the tip - yet the complicated dynamics are hidden far below the surface, often beyond our emotional comprehension.
In my own estrangement for instance, although family violence was the clear reason for me, each one of my family members thought the reasons for estrangement were completely different.
Thanks for your input!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Sometimes, We Must Die to the Old to be Born to the New
My minister once told me that we experience many "resurrections" in our lives as we "die to the old" and are "born to the new."
She told me this as I was facing a devastating loss. Standing on the threshold between the known and the unknown was frightening, even though I knew that the known was harmful to me.
I died to the old when I became estranged from my entire family of origin. That death brought on the birth of my new "family of choice." I experienced growing pains with my new family as it began in its infancy, toddled on through adolescence, and eventually arrived fully grown.
It was hard to give up on my dream of a healthy, abuse-free, family of origin, but self-preservation prevailed. I chose survival. After years of rebuilding my life, I realized that my new "family" was more supportive, loving, nurturing and fulfilling than any of my prior dreams or experiences.
Fourteen years later, I died to the old when I became open to new realities - even when they contradicted the past - and the reconciliation with my family of origin was born.
I've experienced many such deaths and births on my journey from abuse and estrangement to surviving and thriving. Each "death" was frightening. It required taking a leap of faith into the unknown, hard work, loss, pain, healing, learning, growing, and stretching:
With growth comes loss, but eventually, healing and freedom. Birthing is always difficult, but well worth the reward.
She told me this as I was facing a devastating loss. Standing on the threshold between the known and the unknown was frightening, even though I knew that the known was harmful to me.
I died to the old when I became estranged from my entire family of origin. That death brought on the birth of my new "family of choice." I experienced growing pains with my new family as it began in its infancy, toddled on through adolescence, and eventually arrived fully grown.
It was hard to give up on my dream of a healthy, abuse-free, family of origin, but self-preservation prevailed. I chose survival. After years of rebuilding my life, I realized that my new "family" was more supportive, loving, nurturing and fulfilling than any of my prior dreams or experiences.
Fourteen years later, I died to the old when I became open to new realities - even when they contradicted the past - and the reconciliation with my family of origin was born.
I've experienced many such deaths and births on my journey from abuse and estrangement to surviving and thriving. Each "death" was frightening. It required taking a leap of faith into the unknown, hard work, loss, pain, healing, learning, growing, and stretching:
- The death of denial - the birth of awareness.
- The death of keeping the family secret - the birth of "Standing in the Truth."
- The death of isolation - the birth of validation.
- The death of violation - the birth of boundaries.
- The death of accepting mistreatment - the birth of self- love and safe-guarding my own well-being.
- The death of accepting betrayal - the birth of self-respect.
- The death of arguing, defending, and engaging - the birth of confidence.
- The death of looking outward to have my needs met - the birth of looking inward to satisfy my own needs.
- The death of brokenness - the birth of healing.
With growth comes loss, but eventually, healing and freedom. Birthing is always difficult, but well worth the reward.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
A Fresh Start With Sallie Felton
Tomorrow, I'll be a guest on A Fresh Start With Sallie Felton which broadcast live from Seattle, Washington on Contact Radio 106.9 FM HD Channel 3.
We will be discussing Family Estrangement, Reconciliation, Healing, and Forgiveness.
To listen LIVE via the web, visit: Contact Radio. From the home page, click on the "LISTEN NOW" button in the upper left hand column.
Wednesday April 1st:
12 - 1 PM Pacific Time
1 - 2 PM Rocky Mountain Time
2-3 PM Central Time
3-4 PM Eastern Time
Should you wish to listen later; the show will be available in the archives.
We will be discussing Family Estrangement, Reconciliation, Healing, and Forgiveness.
To listen LIVE via the web, visit: Contact Radio. From the home page, click on the "LISTEN NOW" button in the upper left hand column.
Wednesday April 1st:
12 - 1 PM Pacific Time
1 - 2 PM Rocky Mountain Time
2-3 PM Central Time
3-4 PM Eastern Time
Should you wish to listen later; the show will be available in the archives.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Filling the Void
As an abused child and later as an adult, I spent most of my life navigating a relationship with my mother, waiting for the day she would love and nurture me. Even after our estrangement, I lived with the hopeful longing that she would open her arms and be my mother.
There was a "void" in my heart where a mother should be. After time, I stopped longing for "my" mother and began to long for "a" mother.
As more time passed, I realized that the only person who could love me the way I wanted to be loved - was me.
The void I was feeling was more than just the absence of my mother, it was also the absence of my own internal mother.
No parent can do a perfect job; therefore, everyone needs to learn to parent certain parts of themselves. The difference for me was, whereas most people have much of their internal parent placed within them by the loving actions of their own parent, an abuse survivor, needs to internalize a parent largely on their own.
There was a "void" in my heart where a mother should be. After time, I stopped longing for "my" mother and began to long for "a" mother.
As more time passed, I realized that the only person who could love me the way I wanted to be loved - was me.
The void I was feeling was more than just the absence of my mother, it was also the absence of my own internal mother.
No parent can do a perfect job; therefore, everyone needs to learn to parent certain parts of themselves. The difference for me was, whereas most people have much of their internal parent placed within them by the loving actions of their own parent, an abuse survivor, needs to internalize a parent largely on their own.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Progress vs. Pain Free
When it comes to healing from childhood abuse and/or family estrangement, it was hard for me to recognize my progress, especially when I was still in pain.
Sometimes, I'd feel triggered by a certain event and I'd despair, "Will I ever heal? Will I always be in pain?" It didn't dawn on me that I viewed healing as all or nothing. As long as I experienced any pain I failed to notice my progress.
Many years ago, after a period of hopelessness, I realized that I was indeed making progress. I could measure my progress in terms of years. Where am I compared to fifteen years ago?...Five years ago?...and one year ago? The answer, of course, was: "In a much better place."
I could see that each time I "hit" a patch of pain, I was healing at a deeper level. Sometimes, my feelings may have been the same, but I was not the same!
When I began to focus on my progress vs. being pain free, it restored my energy and gave me renewed hope!
Sometimes, I'd feel triggered by a certain event and I'd despair, "Will I ever heal? Will I always be in pain?" It didn't dawn on me that I viewed healing as all or nothing. As long as I experienced any pain I failed to notice my progress.
Many years ago, after a period of hopelessness, I realized that I was indeed making progress. I could measure my progress in terms of years. Where am I compared to fifteen years ago?...Five years ago?...and one year ago? The answer, of course, was: "In a much better place."
I could see that each time I "hit" a patch of pain, I was healing at a deeper level. Sometimes, my feelings may have been the same, but I was not the same!
When I began to focus on my progress vs. being pain free, it restored my energy and gave me renewed hope!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Two New Support Groups
Both are Ning social networking groups. One is a new support group for people dealing with family estrangement and the other is for abuse survivors.
A few months ago, Mike McBride of Child Abuse Survivor, started a new online support group called, Child Abuse Survivors. This is an active group of people with a membership that has already grown to over 165 individuals. Great job Mike!
Estrangement resources are often difficult to find. There is a new online support group called Estranged Stories, where individuals can share their stories and help one another deal with this devastating loss. At this point, the active membership is predominately made up of parents who are estranged from adult children.
A few months ago, Mike McBride of Child Abuse Survivor, started a new online support group called, Child Abuse Survivors. This is an active group of people with a membership that has already grown to over 165 individuals. Great job Mike!
Estrangement resources are often difficult to find. There is a new online support group called Estranged Stories, where individuals can share their stories and help one another deal with this devastating loss. At this point, the active membership is predominately made up of parents who are estranged from adult children.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)