The soul cannot forgive until it
is restored to wholeness and health.
In the absence of love - how can one forgive?

With an abundance of love, starting with one's self,
forgiveness becomes a viable opportunity.
-Nancy Richards

Monday, April 7, 2008

1992 – Entry Two – Afraid to be selfish

In 1992 was afraid to be “selfish” and to put my own well-being first. I was torn between the destructiveness of my relationship with my mother and the consequences of deciding not to see her anymore.

From my 1992 journal:

Sometimes I’m in so much pain it doesn’t seem like I will survive; yet, I’m afraid of the alternative. I told Thomas about the latest episode with my mother.

“I feel so hurt, broken and angry that I decided not to talk to my Mom. Would it be okay not to talk to my mother anymore, at all?

Thomas said, “I think you should do whatever it takes to be okay. You do what ever is right for you.”

“My Mom would be furious with me and so would my family.”

“You can tell them that I gave you permission. Let them be mad at me.”

I laughed. “To the adult Nancy that sounds so funny. But, there’s that little girl who waited twenty-five years for someone to acknowledge that what happened really happened. That little girl has been waiting for someone to lift that awful burden from her. To her it isn’t funny at all."

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nancy,

I have been reading your blog for about 4-5 weeks now...I can't remember how I found it originally, but I identified so with you that I bookmarked it and I check it every day. I too am estranged from my family due to abuse...physical, emotional, and incest. I began my journey of healing in 1992 also.

I want to say thank you...I do not have words adequate enough to express my appreciation for your willingness to share your pain and struggles. Your blog has been so timely for me because mother passed away on March 27 and as I read about your experiences, it reminds me that I am not alone. As I work through my mother's death, I find that intellectually I am the 48 year old adult woman that I am today, but as I deal with the emotions, I find myself feeling the emotions as the little girl that received the negative messages, etc.

I have not read your books, but I am going to the book store tomorrow!

Thanks again,

Lynn Eargle
South Carolina

healandforgive said...

Dear Lynn,

Thank you for your comments. I’m glad that I have been able to validate your experiences. Healing from abuse and estrangement can be a lonely process.

I can only surmise the conflicting feelings you must be experiencing surrounding your mother’s death.

Warm wishes to you on your continuing journey,
Nancy