Kaleidoscope of Emotion

The following is an excerpt from the first chapter of my new book: Heal & Forgive II: The Journey From Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation.

CHAPTER ONE

Kaleidoscope of Emotion

The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis."One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger - but recognize the opportunity. - John F. Kennedy, Speach in Indianapolis, April 12, 1959

On an ordinary morning in the autumn of 2006, fourteen years after I had last spoken to my mother, my receptionist buzzed my office. Jan interrupted my busy morning with the cautiously spoken words, “There is a woman on line two who says her name is Jean Richards.”

“Oh, oh,” I surmised out loud, “she must have read my book.”

I drew in a deep breath, preparing myself for the expected angry rant. I would merely convey to my mother my understanding for why she was upset, tell her that I loved her, and end the conversation with a gentle “good-bye.” Certain I was prepared for our exchange, I picked up the phone. I wasn’t prepared for what I heard next.

“Hi, Honey; this is Mom,” came the soft-spoken words that I thought I would never hear again.

Confusion quickly replaced my clear-headed mind. The apology she offered for my abuse, along with her love and a desire for reconciliation were directly opposite to everything I knew about my mother. I told her I was speechless and that I never anticipated she would call again. After sitting quietly for a few moments, I said, “No matter what happens between us, Mom, you have given me a wonderful and irreplaceable gift.”

We talked for a short while and exchanged contact information before concluding our conversation. I hung up and wept.

For the rest of the day, my body was in the state of shock. My thinking was clouded, my resting pulse hovered at around 120 beats per minute, and a dull headache grew with intensity. I grappled to make sense of something that made no sense in the world as I had known it. I couldn’t hold a clear thought as my feelings ran rampant. I experienced a kaleidoscope of emotions, wildly clashing in distorted colorful directions – shock…love…fear…relief…joy…sorrow…excitement...pain...calmness...stress... happiness…sadness….

I loved my mother and had long since forgiven her. Could this be true? Could Mom and I really have a relationship now? Ultimately, I stopped seeing her. Had she forgiven me too?

Copyright © 2008 Nancy Richards. All Rights Reserved.