Heal and Forgive

Taking Care of Oneself

2011-01-31T09:41:00.000-08:00

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."

-Buddha

I heard this quote on NPR this morning and it was a good reminder for me. No matter how much I heal, I always need to remember to exercise as much compassion for myself, as I do for others.

Why Heal and Forgive?

2010-11-15T15:22:00.000-08:00

For decades, I heard from friends, relatives, therapists, and fellow Christians, that I needed to forgive my abusers in order to heal. This advice - and the attempts I made to forgive before I'd learned to exercise personal boundaries - left me open to further injury and damaged me deeply.

When I finally mustered the courage to buck societal expectations; not to forgive; and to put my own healing and well-being first, I achieved a level of healing that I never thought was possible. My period of NOT forgiving created the space necessary to achieve the greatest emotional growth of my life. Wow!

The unintentional by-product of this healing, was - ironically - forgiveness.

At that time, I realized that the old adage, "Forgive and Heal," was backwards. For me, it was "Heal and Forgive!"

If I only knew then that adequate healing had to come first, it would have saved me a great deal of time and pain. So, now I shout it from the roof tops, "Heal first, THEN Forgive!"

Family Estrangement Books and Resources:

2010-09-23T06:41:00.000-07:00

This is an old post from September 2008. I thought I would re-post this for anyone coming across my blog for the very first time.

Support Groups:

Healing from Family Rifts Yahoo Support Group for anyone dealing with a Family Rift – Membership required to read or post messages. Covers "all" sides and types of family estrangement. As of March 2009, the largest group of active members is adult children estranged from their parents.

Estranged Stories for anyone dealing with a Family Rift - This is a Ning Social Networking Support Group. Membership required to read or post messages. At the time of this addition (March 2009), the active membership is predominately made up of parents who are estranged from their adult children.

Motherless3 Yahoo Support Group for Motherless Daughters who have lost their mother due to Rejection, Abandonment, or Estrangement. Membership required to read or post messages.

Garden Web Parents Forum – Public Message board with threads on family estrangement.

Dr. Joshua Coleman’s Website has comment sections for parents to discuss their estrangements.

MEET UP GROUPS

AARP online magazine message boards (family section) often deals with the topic of family estrangement.

Websites Dealing with Family Estrangement:

H.E.R. Healing Estranged Relationships

Support 4 Change

Family Intervention

Estrangements

Family Wanted

Mark Sichel 's Blog

Books:

Healing from family rifts: Ten steps to finding peace after being cut off from a family member, by Mark Sichel, LCSW

When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along, by Joshua Coleman

I Thought We’d Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation, by Laura Davis

Family Estrangements: How They Begin, How to Mend Them, How to Cope with Them, by Barbara Lebay

FRAGMENTED FAMILIES: Patterns of Estrangement and Reconciliation, by Ellen Sucov

Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents, by Jane Isay

For Mothers of Difficult Daughters; How to Enrich and Repair the Relationship in Adulthood, by Charney Herst

When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life, by Victoria Secunda

I'm OK, You're My Parents : How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works, by Dale Atkins

Making Peace with Your Parents, by Harold Bloomfield MD

Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted, by Beverly Engel, M.F.C.C.

Making Peace With Your Adult Children: A Guide to Family Healing, by Shauna Smith

Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation, by Nancy Richards

Vietnamese Translation

2010-09-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

I am excited to announce that Heal & Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse is available in Vietnamese. Yay!

Heal and Forgive was Published by arrangement with the original publisher, Blue Dolphin Publishing. The Vietnamese translation was Copyrighted © 2009 by Thai Ha Books JSC.

See translation info here.

THANK YOU!!

2010-04-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

Thank you, to all those who have written to me since my last post. I enjoy receiving your blog comments, private e-mails, personal stories, and discussions on various survivor topics.

I am very grateful that so many people have taken the time to let me know that the sharing of my experience has been helpful to them.

The bulk of my healing process occurred prior to the advent of the internet. I didn't know any other abuse and/or estrangement survivors. Actually, I never even heard the term "child abuse" until I was in my twenties. Further, when I became estranged (and for a great deal of time afterword), I had never heard of family estrangement. Given my isolation from other survivor's, I didn't have anyone to help "pave the way," validate my experiences, or to tell me that given my experiences, my feelings were "normal." It was a painful and lonely way to live.

After decades of healing through "trial and error," I became passionate about easing the way for other survivors by trying to offer the sort of support, validation and guidance, I had longed for over the years. None-the-less, it was terrifying to expose the intimate details of my psyche by writing my books. Whenever I receive a letter letting me know that my words have made a difference, it makes it all worth while.

Quite often, I hear from Christian survivors who feel guilty about their perceived obligation to forgive a chronic abuser, which is superseded by their inability to forgive.

A common source driving their sense of obligation stems from the following verses:

Matthew 6:14-15 KJV For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 18:21-22 KJV Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

A Christian reader just sent me an interesting link on this topic titled "Should I offer forgiveness without repentance," from rbc ministries (the publishers of "Our Daily Bread").

Excerpted:

Unconditional forgiveness is canceling a debt to all those who intentionally offend us, whether or not they own up to what they have done. Offering forgiveness without repentance, however, does not follow the biblical model of forgiveness (Luke 17:3,4).

The Bible says that we are to forgive as God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13). God forgives us when we repent (Mark 1:15, Luke 13:3,5, Acts 3:19). He does not grant forgiveness to those of us who are stiff-necked and refuse to repent. We must recognize our sin and repent to receive and enjoy God's merciful forgiveness. God requires repentance and so must we.

Repentance is important because it's a person's only hope for real change (Matthew 18:3; Acts 26:20). If we don't admit our sin, it's impossible to be transformed. If we aren't keenly aware of the sinful direction our lives are going, we will not see a need to adjust the direction. Repentance demonstrates that we need God to help us change our thinking, attitudes, and behavior.

To read the entire article, visit rbc ministries HERE .

Hello Again....

2009-10-06T18:19:00.000-07:00

.....kind of.

Well, for the last couple of months I have been busy working on my house. It has been a great deal of hard work, and fun!

Every now and again, I receive a comment/question on one of my prior posts. Thank you!!! I am always happy to respond, reminding myself that I am still connected to the abuse/estrangement survivor community.

I keep thinking I should hop on and write a post, but never seem to get around to it. Up until a couple of months ago, I posted extensively on the various issues I encountered on my healing journey. Whenever someone writes to me with a question, or, to share their experience, I find that I can direct them to a post I've already written on the topic.

My family and I have been reconciled for over three years now and although I still have a great deal of empathy for the abuse recovery and/or estrangement experience, it is no longer a part of my everyday life. Therefore, I really don't have anything new to post.

As a survivor, I'm sure new issues will come up from time to time, and when they do, I will share my experience. Until then, feel free to peruse my older posts and/or to contact me. I'm always happy to lend my support.

Blessings,
Nancy

Go Swimming with a Survivor!

2009-08-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

When I first became estranged from my mother, I felt like I was drowning in an ocean of pain.

Suffering from the cumulative effects of abuse and estrangement, I fervently wished my mother would drive up in a boat, and rescue me from the ocean. She didn't.

But, the truth is - nobody could "rescue" me. I had to rescue myself. Authentic recovery meant doing the hard work, and swimming the distance to shore. But, what did happen was remarkable. One by one, people jumped into the ocean and began to swim with me. As I fought the tide:

They helped keep me safe.
They kept me company.
They gave me validation, and encouragement.
They shared my experience.
Some already understood my struggle; others were interested in understanding, but either way-
In essence, they said, "I know this is a huge struggle, and I'm not going to leave you alone. I'm going to swim with you.

I'll be forever grateful!

So, I continue to swim - for myself - and for other survivors.

Mid-Life Crisis: Abuse and Transformation

2009-08-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

As a younger adult, whenever I heard the term "Mid-Life Crisis," I conjured up stereotypical images of middle aged men foolishly trying to reclaim their youth with fast cars and young, gorgeous women.

However, according to Wikipedia there are many causes of - and reactions to - Mid-Life Turmoil:

A midlife crisis could be caused by aging itself, or aging in combination with changes, problems, or regrets over:

work or career
spousal relationships
maturation of children
aging or death of parents
physical changes associated with aging

Midlife crises seem to affect men and women differently. Researchers^[6] have proposed that the triggers for mid-life crisis differ between men and women, with male mid-life crisis more likely to be caused by work issues.

I'd add to the Wikipedia list - Abuse Recovery.

According to Wikipedia, one of the characteristics of a Mid-Life Crisis, is "a deep sense of remorse for goals not accomplished."

The "computer girl" part of me has been diligent about achieving goals, especially goals associated with business. But, there is one goal that often eludes abuse survivors - "the pursuit of happiness" or should I say emotional freedom.

Currently, I'm having what I would call a "Mid-Life Experience." Although at times it does feel like a "crisis," it also has qualities that feel like a hopeful "transformation."

Many of my recent posts have touched on this transformation: Have To vs Want To, Survival Tactics - Peeling Away the Layers, Letting Go and the Passages of our Lives.

Much of my adulthood I struggled with my abuse recovery. When I finally reached the point that my abuse no longer felt present, I rejoiced. I am grateful that I no longer have nightmares, suffer from dissociation, PTSD, or feel "triggered," by old memories.

Now that I am free from the pain of childhood "events," I am experiencing the disappointment of mourning the residual effects of recovery: Recovery has many layers. Just as I finished mourning the loss of my childhood, I find that I'm doing major grief work over the loss of much of my adulthood.

I'm mourning all of the time lost performing necessary recovery work. I'm mourning:

That I started out ill equipped to navigate as an adult
That I was dealing with recovery while so many of my peers were enjoying life
All of the years I was trying to figure out what constitutes a healthy relationship
All of the years I spent trying to learn boundaries, self-parenting, how to respond to betrayal, etc.
All of the years I hadn't yet healed enough to safe-guard my own well-being
That I modeled poor relationship skills to my children
That I wasn't able to provide my children an "intact" family
All of the years that I let "computer girl" rule my life and overachieve

Mourning doesn't mean that I'm beating myself up. On the contrary, I take pride in the staggering amount of work I have performed. But rather, I'm grieving for the necessary losses I've incurred.

For me, major grief work has always signaled a new era. For example, I'm mourning all of the time I "overachieved," because I now feel "enlightened" by no longer overachieving. I'm grieving all of the years I lost by working too much. If I was still willing to "overachieve" my psyche wouldn't be ready to mourn. Likewise, if I still had boundary issues, I'd still be spending my time trying to learn to exercise clear, respectful boundaries. Now that I do exercise boundaries, I'm mourning all of the years I allowed myself to get hurt by not safe-guarding my own well-being, etc. All of these changes felt very empowering at first, but now I'm mourning all of the time I lost before I learned the skills I have now.

Past experience tells me that honoring the depth of my pain opens the door to new possibilities.

Hence - "Mid-Life Transformation" - mourning the old and moving on to the new.

Did That Just Happen?

2009-07-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

I can't count the number of times I found myself on the receiving end of some sort of physical or emotional violence only to have my mother (or other family members) "pretend" nothing happened.

As a child, I sometimes questioned my sanity: Did that just happen?

As a young adult, the "pretending" made me angry.

As both a child and a young adult, I used to walk on eggshells around my mother. I never knew when she would unleash a rampage: cursing, yelling, belittling, blaming, etc. Then, the next time I'd see her she'd greet me with a big smile and the words, "Hi honey!" like nothing ever happened. It was crazy-making stuff!

I know I'm not alone in this experience. A common complaint I hear from other adult abuse survivors who are trying to maintain or re-establish contact with a family member is that of contending with a tirade over the phone, by e-mail, or in person only to have their family member act as if nothing happened the next time around.

While it is true that "pretending" can be rooted in some sort of sociopathy (no conscious), I don't think that is always the case. I believe that many abusers have a conscious but don't regard their behavior as abusive.

I read something once that said that human beings can't bear the thought that we have done something horrible, because if we did, we wouldn't be able to live with ourselves. Our tortured conscious requires us to take some sort of action to resolve our inner turmoil. We have a couple of choices:

A) We can help the other individual by repairing the damage we've done. This also helps us by easing our conscious. However, many people don't have the strength, courage, awareness, or emotional capability to repair the damage; so, they choose plan B.

B) We can ease our conscious by convincing ourselves that what we did wasn't so bad (or was justified) and then banish it from our mind like it didn't happen.

In other words, when it comes to abuse's and someone "pretends," it didn't happen, there isn't anything we can do to "make" them acknowledge the offenses. If they can't "repair" it - they have to "ignore" it.

My mother definitely has a conscious. For years, I tried to plead to her conscious to do the "right" thing. To me, reparation seemed like an easy thing to do - acknowledge, apologize, don't do it again . It took a great deal of time for me to wrap my head around the concept that no amount of explaining or pleading would result in acknowledgment. She didn't know how to "repair" the damage (or change her behavior), so her conscious wouldn't allow her to accept that she did something horrible.

Sixteen years ago, amidst continued family violence, the less healed me wasn't able to safe-guard my own well being, or that of my children. At the time, my only choice was estrangement. For some people, persistent physical and emotional violence continues to prohibit any safe contact. However, in my case, time changed some of the dynamics in my family. And, our fourteen years apart afforded me enough healing (and validation from others), that I was able to heal my past trauma without my mothers acknowledgment of the "specifics." I also learned to keep myself out of harms way in the present by setting and maintaining clear, respectful boundaries.

Thus far, the "pretending" issue hasn't come up again, but if it does, I know there is nothing I can do except safe-guard my own well-being.

Learning to Mother Myself

2009-07-19T06:50:00.000-07:00

Learning to self-parent has been critical for me to gain a sense of safety in the world. The more I comfort my inner-child, the more whole and empowered I feel. The topic of self-parenting has come up a great deal lately with survivors I'm in contact with so, I decided to post a portion of a chapter from Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation:

CHAPTER NINE

Learning to Mother Myself

Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them.
Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them.
Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him.

Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it.
~ Pamela Glenconner

Here in the Pacific Northwest, one of my neighbors has a palm tree showcased in the front yard of their home. The tree is small in stature with drooping pale yellow-green palms. It appears out of place among the many tall and thriving evergreens native to the region. Often, when I drive by this little tree during hostile winter conditions, I wonder how it survives, blanketed in snow and ice. The palm knows nothing of dry soil or the warm climate of its native land. It doesn’t know what it’s missing – that there are more favorable conditions available in which to flourish. Like my neighbor’s tree, I was unaware of the many loving conditions the human psyche requires in order to thrive.

The child in me sometimes still longed for a mommy. In the absence of proper nurturing, it is difficult for a daughter to separate herself from her mother. I remained tied to my mother; needing the love and approval of the one person I was designed to pattern my life after. I needed a mom to say, “I love you and I have faith in you.” I needed a mother to carry within me as a separate individual. I realized that mother had to be me.

I often read in books, and heard in therapy and from many individuals about the need to learn to “self parent.” It was one thing to learn to parent my own children, it was quite another to learn to parent me. "How do I do that?" I asked repeatedly.

Nobody could give me a good answer. Finally, someone said to me, "There is no good answer, because the key to what you lacked from your mother as a child is locked within you; there is no universal template that fits for everyone."

Until successfully learning to self-parent, I remained bitter about the concept of internalizing my own mother. Becoming my own mother seemed like a poor substitute for someone cheated out of the real thing.

Like other motherless daughters, I longed for a mother to replace the love I missed. I thought only motherless people had to internalize a mother. I didn’t realize that all adult children have an internal parent. Having an internal parent is what constitutes adulthood.

No parent can do a perfect job; therefore, every individual needs to learn to parent certain aspects of themselves. The difference for me was, whereas most people have much of their internal parent placed within them by the loving actions of their own parent, I needed to internalize a parent largely on my own.

It is difficult to identify exactly what one missed from a parent. How does one know what they have never experienced? A confusing aspect to self-parenting for me was that many of the qualities my mother deprived me of I gave to my own children without understanding I needed them as well. Many emotional “basics” did not seem obvious – like receiving physical comfort. Although my children were the recipients of my hugs, I didn’t realize that because the child-me hadn’t received physical comfort, my inner child hadn’t internalized physical safety.

Hearing about a study made on prisoners who were never touched during incarceration unless they were touched violently made me realize that for the bulk of my childhood, this was also true for me. The little girl in me only knew violent touch! I needed to learn how to comfort myself.

Long into adulthood, recalling stories of family violence evoked powerful tremors in me. The muscles in my limbs quivered uncontrollably and no amount of effort could suppress the flood of shaking. I remembered the first time in childhood my body shivered like a frightened animal, while anticipating the beating about to come my way. I should have had a parent to run to for a safe place to fall - for comfort and for protection. After each beating, I dealt with my injuries in isolation and on my own – without any soothing. I wasn’t taught, nor did I learn to self-soothe. My “body memory” re-enacted these tremors any time I summoned recollections in my young life when I was at the mercy of those who tormented me.

As an adult, whenever my limbs shook uncontrollably, I began the ritual of wrapping my arms around myself and rocking in a rocking chair, providing myself with the physical comfort that I never experienced as a child.

The temptation was certainly present to have someone help comfort me; however, I knew that would defeat the purpose of this exercise. Ultimately, the “power” of a mother’s love – the mother I was learning to internalize for myself– ended my shaking.

On many such occasions I visualized in my mind’s eye the child me – the hurting, frightened, alone, and damaged me. These occasions caused feelings of sadness and compassion for the little girl of long ago – feelings that although deeply mournful, were also compassionate, reassuring, and healing. I’d speak to the “child me” who longed for love and protection. “Talk to me, sweetie. I am here.”

This brought me to emotional self-soothing. When a child is terrified, their pain can easily spin out of control. A caring parent teaches the child to modulate their pain by comforting them with love and assurance. In the safety of loving arms, a child learns to reign in their emotions. Through example, this mechanism becomes internalized in the child and they eventually learn to soothe themselves. Emotional self-soothing is another quality I lacked as a child and needed to learn to internalize for myself.

I also needed to internalize self-compassion. My mother taught me to place the needs of others first, rather than to have compassion for myself. I learned as a child that my pain was no big deal and that I should be considerate of other people’s pain, but not of my own. While it is important to be considerate of others, consideration should not come at the expense of our own well-being.

Because as an abused child my perceptions were often blatantly denied, I needed to learn to stand firmly in my own reality, without permission from anyone else.

Although I argued that it wasn’t “right” to burn my tender hands, or rub Rob’s nose in spilled milk on the floor, or to otherwise beat and betray us, everyone I knew told me that my perceptions were wrong. Therefore, I constantly sought validation, trying to develop a frame of reference from others as to what was “right” and what was “wrong.” What we learn as children follows us into adulthood. Even as an adult, those I turned to told me that there was nothing “wrong” with the way Mom, Lou and Smokey treated Brandon, nor was there anything “wrong” with the constant presence of Lou’s firearms around my own children. Consequently, I had difficulty as an adult identifying what was and was not acceptable behavior. If I felt betrayed, and the “offender” defended himself or herself, although I argued that it wasn’t “right” to betray me, deep down I questioned whether something was wrong with me and I worried that it was indeed okay to betray me. I desperately searched for validation that I had a right to the way I felt.

Un-doing a life long mechanism is very difficult to do. Needing permission to “feel” was so deeply ingrained in me, that even if I accidentally smashed my thumb with a hammer, I needed consent to accept my pain. In other words, if I was with someone who said, “Oh, it’s no big deal,” I’d either try to “power” through the pain, or I’d argue that the injury was indeed painful, focusing on the other person’s perceptions of my experience rather than my own.

My pleas for permission to feel physical and emotional pain had left me stuck in one place. Without validation, I failed to resolve my pain and move forward. It seemed impossible to believe that my experiences and perceptions were valid when faced with denied perceptions. A strong internal parent was necessary to assure my inner child that I had a right to my hurt, anger, sadness, and fear, without arguing for that right.

During therapy, I literally needed to be taught self-compassion, self-soothing, and the validity of my perceptions in the same way a young child is taught. My therapist explained how to seek out people to receive validating and empathic responses until I could internalize them for myself, even in the face of denied perceptions.

Until people taught me what it felt like to be self-compassionate, I didn’t know that a wide range of emotions existed for me. I needed to “unlearn” the way I learned to ignore my agony. Then I needed to re-learn a healthy method of expressing my sadness. It was very important for me to learn to cry for myself and to share those tears with others, which is no easy feat. Seeking empathic people required trust, and trust didn’t come easily for me.

Trust is such a basic relationship necessity that if we can’t trust a parent to love and protect us- whom can we trust? When we have been betrayed in our most basic human relationship- and that trust is never restored – how can we learn to trust ourselves enough to trust others? I learned to trust in baby steps – sitting with my emotions and letting my feelings guide me. I needed to feel the pain of misplaced trust in order to protect myself and seek out those with whom I could trust with my feelings. If we listen closely, pain is a useful resource for protecting ourselves.

***

One of the most difficult aspects of motherlessness is the sense of aloneness.

I keep my father’s picture next to my bed. Sometimes, before lying down at night, I look into his eyes and remember how much he loved me. I carry my father’s voice in me – the voice of the one who looked at me with adoring eyes and asked me child-like questions, the father who loved and protected me, who nurtured, hugged, and comforted me when I cried.

I thought about the love that I give my daughters and imagined myself loved in the same fashion.

I watched the way other mothers loved their children and imagined loving myself in the same way.

I thought about those in my life who do love me – my children, friends, and my partner.

I called upon my spirituality to internalize abundant love.

God provided me with healing tears to wash away my heartache. He sent people who were willing to bear witness to my pain. God blessed me with daughters of my own so that I could experience a loving mother-daughter bond.

Sometimes, in my darkest moments, I wrapped myself in a blanket and imagined God’s unconditional love surrounding me like giant hands tenderly holding me, loving me and keeping me safe.

Slowly but surely, I worked through a list of emotional deficiencies that needed filling. This was a long, frustrating, and complicated process.

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2009-07-18T20:19:00.000-07:00

I'm a day late out of the starting blocks; nonetheless, mile191 is the host of this months carnival!

The July theme is Freedom to Heal, offering many hopeful posts to aid in the journey!

Check it out!

Facebook and Estrangement

2009-07-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

I often hear from people who have had a bad expeirence when they have either tried to contact, or have been contacted by an estranged family member through facebook, and then they wrestle with what to do.

The advent of many social networking sites has created a dilemma for many estranged, partially estranged, and newly reconciled family members. A common senario:

While perusing facebook, you stumble upon your estranged parent, child, or sibling. Your heart begins to race and your emotions stir like the waves of an ocean being whipped by conflicting winds. What to do? Curiosity get the better of you. Do I send a friends request? Or, not?

Conversely

You receive a notification that your estranged parent, child, or sibling has sent you a friends request. After the initial shock, your mind goes into overdrive. You may be very wary and not open to reconciliation. Contact through a social networking site causes you to feel intruded upon, stalked, angry, or fearful. The simple solution is to deny the request.

At best, you may find yourself in an awkward position. Even if you are open to reconciliation, granting unrestricted access to your personal life hardly seems wise.

I know people who have begrudgingly granted the request, only to find it necessary to later "block" the family member.

Therein lies the dilemma, if you are open to attempting reconciliation, how do you safe-guard this boundary, deny the request, but still convey an openness to explore a new relationship?

Reconciliation is best attempted in baby-steps; allowing for exercising appropriate boundaries while re-building trust and redefining the relationship and level of contact. The chances for success are greater when proceeding slowly. It is very difficult to pull back when we move too fast.

As tempting as it may seem, in my humble opinion, social networking sites are not the appropriate venue to connect with estranged, or newly reconciled family members. This also appears to be the consensus with many of my counterparts.

Establishing contact through a social networking site is risky business that often results in a lose-lose situation. The person who attempts contact often feels hurt, angry, and rejected, while the one who is contacted can view the intrusion as a boundary violation.

Fortunately, my family members re-established contact privately and to this day we are not social networking "friends." This enabled me to safe-guard my boundaries and explore our relationships at my own pace. If one of my family members had sent me a "friends" request to re-establish contact, I would have felt comfortable exercising a boundary in this area by saying, "I am interested in re-establishing contact through e-mail, and by telephone; however, facebook is not a comfortable arena for me to work at rebuilding a relationship with you."

Hear Me!

2009-06-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

...was my childhood plea. Help me! Listen to whats happening!

I cried out to my mother and my brothers...Hear me!..., but they told me to shut up!

I cried out to my relatives....Hear me!..., but they turned away.

I cried out to neighbors and friends...Hear me!..., but they closed their eyes and ears to the abuse.

I cried out to my childhood therapist...Hear me!..., but she didn't listen.

I cried out to God and to the Universe...Hear me!..., but if God indeed replied, I couldn't hear Him over the roar of my own internal misery.

I didn't have a voice; therefore, it felt like I had no value.

Long into adulthood, I cried out - "Hear me!"...until somebody heard.

I "hear" it all the time; people want to be heard about the trauma in their lives. Validation dissolves our isolation and moves us forward to the life we deserve!

I believe that our deepest childhood wounds are the last to be healed; mine was not being heard.

In the past 15 years I have received a great deal of validation for my childhood abuse. In that respect I feel fully heard. Yet, in some respects the old wound remains. For instance, in an intimate relationship, if we have a disagreement and I don't feel heard, my old childhood wound "hooks" me in a primal sort of desperation to be heard and I lose perspective.

This relates to my prior post (Being Right - Being Wrong - Being Confident). I want to be right about needing to being heard! After all, it makes sense; I should be heard.

What I'm learning now is that there is a difference in the right/wrong scenario between blame and responsibility. Blame is about the past. Responsibility is about the present.

I think it is appropriate to "blame" the adults in my life for my childhood abuse and not being heard. As a minor, I had no say in the matter. But, once I became an adult, I became responsible for my life, my choices, and my relationships, no matter how ill-equipped I started out my life.

I'm responsible to heal my old wounds - not anyone else. Logically, this makes good sense, but when I need to be heard, good sense often flies out the window.

I'm working at self-nurturing again to heal this old wound. I'm learning to stand confidently in my truth by listening to myself and having a dialogue with my inner child - even when someone else doesn't hear me.

This is a slow, but empowering shift......

Being Right - Being Wrong - Being Confident

2009-06-26T20:48:00.000-07:00

I've noticed a repetitive theme from self-help experts:

Would you rather be right, or happy?
Would you rather be right, or loved?
Would you rather be right, or have a relationship?

I am embarrassed to admit it, but when I have a disagreement with my partner, my knee-jerk reaction is to "win" the argument and be "right."

It appears to me that, at times, most couples seem to get caught the "right-wrong" trap. I believe that for survivors this is a particularly difficult pattern to break. I've recently identified the need to be "right" as yet another layer of "child abuse recovery" that I am trying to navigate.

I grew up in a home where blame was rampant. My step-father and my mother physically and emotionally beat me up, and blamed me for the state of our lives. They said it was my fault that they were angry; my fault that they beat me. In the right-wrong argument, I was always wrong and continued to get hurt. Yet, I persevered in the argument believing that if Mom "understood," I'd be safe and I wouldn't get hurt.

I think that on a very unconscious and "primal" level, the little girl in me still believes that "winning"an argument means that I won't get hurt again.

During my 14 year estrangement from my family, I healed enough to learn not to engage in arguments with my family members, not to fall into the "right-wrong" trap, not to try to change their perceptions, or to get them to "get it" when they didn't. I learned to "hold" their experience separate from mine and to simply say, "I'm sure that was your experience," while I took responsibility for my own life by quietly and confidently standing in my own truth without needing validation from them. To say that was a huge accomplishment for me would be an understatement.

I am able to do this by protecting my boundaries and by not being "vulnerable." This involves attaining a healthy "detachment" and a certain amount of "indifference" to negative comments.

I usually don't feel the need to be "right" in non-intimate relationships; however, in an intimate relationship, I am vulnerable and it is difficult for me not to engage.

In an intimate relationship, when I feel vulnerable and I run into a conflict, I often site facts and examples to "prove" my point, rather than taking the more powerful (and respectful) position of saying, "I don't see it that way," and standing quietly, and confidently in my own experience.

But, I'm working on it.....

Update on Estrangement Polls - Please share your thoughts

2009-06-20T06:16:00.000-07:00

On April 6, 2009, I began two polls on family estrangement. I'm starting a new poll and I'm going to keep the old polls going as well. Thanks to everyone who has participated so far! Your input is greatly appreciated!

So far, 71 people have given 175 responses to the question:

If you chose to estrange from a family member, what were your reasons?

They didn't accept my spouse 11 (15 %)
They didn't accept my choices -26 (36%)
They didn’t accept my sexuality 4 (5%)
Boundary issues – 26 (36%)
Abuse – 40 (56%)
Addiction -10 (14%)
Mental illness – 16 (22%)
Family business dispute - 5 (7%)
Wedding stress - 1 (1%)
By-product of divorce - 4 (5%)
Stress caused by the death of a family member - 4 (5%)
It just wasn't worth the aggravation – 18 (25%)
I don't know how to solve our conflicts - 9 (12%)

The other poll:

30 people have given 73 responses to the question:

If a family member estranged from you, what were their reasons?

I don't know – 5 (16 %)
Addictions – 4 (13)
Mental Illness – 7 (23%)
Didn't know how to resolve conflict – 9 (30%)
Selfishness - 11 (36%)
In- laws - 1 (3%)
Intolerance – 6 (20%)
Couldn't let go of the past – 7 (23%)
They believed lies about me – 10 (33%)
Can't forgive a mistake – 5 (16%)
Said I was too involved in their life – 2 (6%)
Abuse – 6 (20%)

There appears to be a wide range of reasons for estrangement; yet, I've been wondering a lot about the "divide" between estrangers and estrangees and how each camp views their estrangements quite differently.

After years of communicating with people dealing with estrangements, estrangers give multiple reasons the estrangee doesn't know why the estrangement came about, or sees it differently:

a) I didn't tell them why.
b) I told my family member why, but my family member didn't "hear" the reason,
c) I told my family member why, but my family member thought it was a bad reason, or
d) I told their family member why, but my family member rejected the reason as false.

For those who wish to re-establish relationships with estranged family members, reconciliation is difficult when the reason for estrangement is not understood. Most estrangers I have communicated with have told me that if the "reason" for estrangement no longer existed, they would be open to reconciliation. The problem seems to be that each "camp" sees the reasons differently.

I would appreciate any input from readers. If you have estranged from a family member, please vote in my new poll and, if you'd like, leave a comment as to whether:

a) You never told them the reason why.
b) You told them why, but they didn't "hear" the reason.
c) You told them why, but they thought it was a bad reason.
d) You told them why, but they rejected the reason as false, or
e) Any other answer not listed here.

In my own situation, continued extreme family violence was at the root of my decision to estrange from my mother.

In the years leading up to our estrangement I told my mother multiple times that the abuse was the root of our relationship problems and she didn't hear me; however, one day, I simply walked away. I stopped calling her or visiting her and she never called me. So for her, a) I never told her, and for me, b) I told her but she didn't "hear" the reason.

When I stopped seeing my mother, my grandmother and three brothers stopped seeing me.

My grandmother told me her reason: She didn't believe our abuse was as bad as I said. She said I was incorrigible and as long as I wouldn't see my mother, she wouldn't see me. So, for me c) I thought that was a bad reason to stop seeing a granddaughter and d) I rejected her reason as false.

My oldest brother told me he thought I was mentally ill - again, d) I rejected this reason as false. I believed he didn't see me because he took the path of least resistance. Rather than confronting a huge abusive family system, he participated in scapegoating me.

Another brother never told me why he estranged from me. After we reconciled, he said it was because he thought he had to choose between Mom and me. So, for me, I'd say a) he never told me - but also took the path of least resistance.

My youngest brother told me in a letter that he stopped seeing me because I single handedly destroyed our family. d) I rejected this reason as false - again, path of least resistance.

Since I am both an estranger and an estrangee, I can see how complicated this is. As an estranger, I was frustrated my mother didn't "hear" my reasons and wasn't willing to change. As an estrangee, I was frustrated by the "false" reasons of my family members.

How does a family, let alone an "outsider" determine the legitimacy of an estrangers reasons?

In order for me to reconcile with my family, it took the estrangee (my mother) to at least acknowledge abuse as my reason - (without rehashing the past). It also took her willingness to curtail major abusive behaviors, and my willingness to accept responsibility for myself and set great boundaries with her.

As the estrangee concerning my brothers, it took a willingness on my part to understand their reasons - whether I like the reasons or agree with them or not. In other words - they did the best they could - given our family circumstances.

I needed to heal from my past abuse enough that I no longer need their support and understanding. I had to be willing to stop trying to change their perceptions, be able to maintain excellent boundaries, safe-guard my own well-being, and find new ways of behaving and coping with old family problems.

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2009-06-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

The Silver (25th) Edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up at Picture of Experience. The theme for the month of June is Father's and Parents.

Please check it out!

Have To vs. Want To

2009-06-11T08:46:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I wrote about how one of my old survival tactics, "computer girl" has ruled my life. I've reassured this part of me that she can still use her organizational skills, but I'm going to rein her in and find a balance.

Last January, someone broke into my house. The thief tried to kick in the front door. Although he did damage the door, he was unable to get in. Then he destroyed the back door and gained access to my house.

Knowing someone violated my "safe place" felt very creepy to say the least, but "computer girl" jumped into action...I have to call the police...I have to call the insurance...I have to make a list of everything taken...I have to have new doors hung...I have to clean the finger printing dust...I have to replace necessary items, I have to deal with feeling unsafe, violated, and angry, along with all the other have to's in my life at work, kids, writing, appointments, social obligations, etc.

What I wanted to do, was something quite simple. I wanted to paint the doors and trim, but there is only so much time in the day and computer girl had too many "have to's" in her life; so, want to's - had to take a back seat.

Well, this weekend (five months after the break-in), I finally set aside my "have to's and did what I wanted to - I painted the doors and trim.

As I painted, I realized just how acutely I'm feeling the effects of letting "have to's" and computer girl rule my life. While feeling "acutely" is very disturbing, I also know it is a good thing. Pain is a good motivator for change.

It reminds me of the point in my abuse recovery when I finally "felt" the effects of my abuse. I spent decades seeking to be heard about my abuse and longed for validation. I was in a sort of "stuck" limbo - unable to move forward until someone validated my pain. Once someone said, "Oh my, that is horrible," I was finally able to say, "Hey yeah, that was horrible!" And I felt my abuse more acutely than ever before. It was both disturbing, and freeing, and it motivated me to "recover."

On a certain level, I've always felt the effects of computer girl ruling my life - stress, tired, overwhelmed, etc., but even after I realized that this is another survival tactic that I need to shed, computer girl has been resisting.

It isn't until now that I've slowed down and acknowledged how I feel about "over-responsibility" and "over-achieving" that I'm feeling it all acutely. "Hey yeah, that is horrible!"

Okay, I'm on board. I want to make room for "want to's."

Survival Tactics - Peeling Away the Layers

2009-06-04T05:15:00.000-07:00

Peeling away my built-in survival tactics has been and continues to be a life-long process.

Although I didn't know it at the time, I used many survival tactics as a child. During adulthood, I became aware of numerous ways in which the "child me" ensured my continued existence: denial, dissociation, inability to feel, stepping in as the family mother, etc.

I am certain that the exact mechanisms that save our lives as children, harm us as adults. Recently, I was amazed to learn that the very rhythm of my life is part and parcel of one of my childhood survival tactics. But, I'll get to that.

Undoing life-long mechanisms is a very difficult undertaking. Awareness is the first step, but even when we become aware, it is hard to let go.

As I've peeled away each method of survival, I've thanked the child me for keeping us alive and reassured her that the adult me can "take it from here." Twenty years ago, denial was the first to go. I say that as if it happened overnight. On the contrary; I spent more than ten adult years in denial. Not denial over the facts: daily beatings, burning my 10-year old hands, thrown down the stairs, stabbed with a fork, etc., but rather, "Is that really so bad?"

As a dependent child, denial protected me from that which was too painful to bear. As an adult, denial kept me in harms way. I had to "shake myself" free from denial in order to protect myself from further abuse and to heal. Ridding myself of denial opened the door to validation, expressing my anger, and moving from victim to survivor.

Then, another hidden survival tactic revealed itself: dissociation. As an adult, dissociation not only covered up the pain of my past, it was such a intricate part of my make-up that it also masked painful situations in the present. Pain has a purpose; it warns us of impending injury and is a useful resource for protecting ourselves.

I dissociated for twenty-five years before I learned about this part of myself. Today, I can identify the day when, at ten years old, I laid the groundwork for dissociation. For some reason, I could handle my own abuse far better than helplessly watching as my brothers were beaten.

One day, months after my mother married my step father Ed, for no apparent reason, he unleashed his rage on my sweet and innocent five-year old brother Randy.

The harsh command, "Grab 'em, Randy" thundered through the kitchen. Little Randy immediately complied, bent over, and grabbed his tiny ankles. I watched with horror as the blow cracked across my baby brother's small behind. Randy jumped, screamed with pain, and grabbed his burning buttocks.

Ed turned on him with renewed fury, and informed him he had just broken the new rule of letting go of his ankles without permission.

"Just for that," Ed screamed in undisguised rage, "you'll get two more," and with that hauled off with the heavy wooden paddle, hitting him again. Little Randy flew across the kitchen and landed face first on the cold linoleum floor in a dark corner of the room, crying but still holding onto his ankles. Ed grabbed my terrified brother around the waist while Randy's hands remained locked around his ankles, set him upright, and administered the second blow.

I stood trance-like without moving a muscle, unable to help, powerless to prevent the next beating. I imagined myself safe in my room, away from the scene of the pain.

As the daily violence escalated, this dissociative groundwork morphed into "fugues" where I unknowingly disappeared to an unknown place. These "fugues" continued into adulthood whenever I experienced unbearable pain.

Once I learned about my dissociation, I spent years letting go of this old method of keeping the pain at bay.

Once I stopped dissociating, I went about the hard work of peeling away another survival tactic - not feeling. I learned to stay present with my emotions, rather than "powering" through the pain. This meant something new for me. Rather than ignoring my feelings, I sat with my anger, depression and sadness for days or months on end in order to resolve my circumstances. I was in very unfamiliar territory.

For instance, I dropped my familiar "tough guy" persona and mourned past and current losses. This change allowed me to "deal" and affect changes in my life rather than "suck up" an ever-increasing and suffocating mountain of pain.

At times it sucks to feel pain in a "normal" way. It also feels "freeing" and healthy. The past few years have brought relief to feel unencumbered by my past. All my hard work paid dividends in that I feel empowered to safeguard my own well-being.

Imagine my surprise when a new survival tactic reared its head and bit me in the ......

This survival mechanism is the part of me I call "computer girl." Of course, computer girl has her roots in my childhood. There was no one to take care of us and bring the much-needed order and cohesiveness into our lives. I learned to ignore my body, while I "powered through" and did what ever it took for my psyche to survive. After all, when your body is ravaged by abuse, it is accustomed to a normal state of physical pain and stress. So, computer girl took over and has continued to rule my life.

From the moment I wake up each day, "computer girl" boots up and races to organize my every movement, project, and all of the responsibilities I have collected along the way: I have to do this.....and that...and this...and this... work, home, family, friends, writing, recovery...This is how I can solve this problem at work....churn, churn, churn...This is how I can create this system at work..churn, churn, churn, This is how I can write this...churn, churn, churn...don't forget this appointment, that social event, resolve this...churn, churn, churn, etc.. until I go to bed.

Finally, at the brink of total exhaustion, I have to listen to my body. Am I tired? Run down? Stressed? Affecting my health? The answer to all of these questions is, "Yes!"

It's time to find a new rhythm for my life; to bring my mind and body into sync. I've had to tell computer girl - the wounded child - that she can still use her organizational skills, but she can no longer be in the drivers seat. The "adult me" is going to take control and care for us both. Computer girl is resisting.

It is a very uncomfortable process to listen to the body I've ignored all my life.

As I struggle to peel away another survival mechanism, just as before, I want instant results. But alas - change takes time.....

The Shack

2009-05-31T10:04:00.000-07:00

Popular stories of "instant" forgiveness always concern me. The Shack, by William P. Young is no exception.

When I began reading The Shack, the author captivated me with a compelling story that began by briefly outlining a tale of family violence and estrangement. Mack, the central character, left home at the age of thirteen after spending two days tied to a tree while being beaten by his father for telling the "family secret" to a church elder.

Mack adapted to life on his own quickly, and journeyed forward by "burying" his past. As an adult, he opened his heart to create a new loving family with his wife and children - only to have an unspeakable tragedy strike again - the kidnapping and murder of his six-year old daughter.

Young eloquently captures the human spirit in Mack's questioning of how God could allow such a tragedy to befall His innocent children. He further questions if he can open his heart and trust his Heavenly Father, when his human father hurt him so deeply.

The author held my interest with the mysterious letter from Papa (God) inviting Mack back to the shack where he experienced the darkest moment of his past; the shack where he discovered confirming evidence of his daughters murder. Was this a sick joke? A trap set by the murderer? Or, a message from God?

Once inside the shack however, the story took on a "New-Age" detour that offered Band-Aid type platitudes and simplistic catch-phrases, rather than surgery for the soul.

The author does share some "pearls of wisdom" - especially in the messages of God's love for His people. Much of what he says in this regard is true; however, he dismisses any notion that God is just, fair, or has any rules, laws, or expectations; when in fact, our God of the Bible is both loving and just.

Which leads me to forgiveness: Again, the author offers some "pearls of wisdom" in that forgiveness is not about excusing, forgetting, trusting, or even necessarily reconciliation. Nonetheless, the god of The Shack sidesteps any prerequisites such as confession, repentance, restitution, and justice (Luke 17:3 - Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive).

After more than a days worth of conversations with Papa (God), Jesus, and Sarayu (The Holy Spirit) on the general principles of love, Sarayu heals Mack's human eyes so that he can see as God sees. As Mack looks out over a sea of God's children in the form of beautiful color and light, he notices one agitated light. When Sarayu reveals that light as Mack's dead father, he runs to embrace him in joyous forgiveness and reconciliation.

A few chapters later, Mack repeats this "magical" sort of forgiveness for the man who murdered his daughter even though we see no evidence of Mack working to heal his loss or deal with the injustice. Further, the murderer was never identified, caught, or tried for his crime.

Yet, within the space of a short conversation with Papa (God), Mack traveled the emotional distance from his desire for revenge to forgiveness:

Papa to Mack: "...You already know what I want, don't you?" (Kindle version, location 3573)

"Papa," he cried, "how can I ever forgive that son of a bitch who killed my Missy. If he were here today, I don't know what I would do. I know it isn't right, but I want him to hurt like he hurt me...if I can't get justice I still want revenge." (Kindle version - location 3576)

After Papa and Mack engage in a discussion on the power and necessity of forgiveness, Mack says out loud:

"I forgive you. I forgive you . I forgive you." (Kindle version - location 3629)

Then, Mack asks, "So, is it all right if I'm still angry?"
Papa was quick to respond "Absolutely!..." (location 3634)

This sort of inauthentic forgiveness places an unrealistic burden on those who are unable to forgive by "magic." In the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance." Additionally, it cheapens the journey for trauma survivors who have done the hard work to heal and possibly even forgive. (See Forgiveness and Abuse).

While it is true that forgiveness is made manifest by the love and grace of God, forgiveness requires our participation in the process. One of the dangers of encouraging premature forgiveness is that it usually doesn't last; thereby impeding genuine healing and forgiveness. Another danger is using premature forgiveness as a method of avoiding the truth, and feelings, or emotions that are too painful to "examine."

If we follow Christ's example, even Jesus expressed 27 verses of anger in Matthew 23:13-39 before going to the cross. If we hope to permanently forgive, expressing anger is an important part of the process. Additionally, it is interesting to note that Jesus did not utter the words, "I forgive you," Himself, but rather, He asked His Father who remained all powerful to forgive the unrepentant. ("Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." Luke 23:34)

The true gift of forgiveness is in the spiritual and emotional growth we experience during an authentic healing process. God's power is truly fulfilled when the offender repents, the victim forgives, and both participate in the process. In the absence of repentance, forgiveness is not an obligation on the part of someone who has been harmed, but can take place with adequate healing.

As an abuse survivor, I for one, wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned by creating the space necessary to heal. Lessons about trusting others to validate my pain, anger, and sadness; trusting myself to safe-guard my own well-being; to respond appropriately to betrayal and injustice; to remain present with my feelings; to set boundaries; practice self-care, and take responsibility for my life. Through it all, I have experienced proof of God's love for me. All these "gifts" and more would have been lost with "false," premature, or instantaneous forgiveness, as well as undercut tangible, realistic, long-term solutions for real human suffering.

Forgiveness is not an event of immediacy. It's not a bolt of light that brightens the soul and burns the pain to ashes. Forgiveness is a slow transformational process. Hard earned life-lessons take a great deal of time and grueling work!

God doesn't promise to heal us by "magic," but rather invites us to trust that His Love and Grace will carry us through as we participate in our own healing journey.

More on Life's Passages - Parenting

2009-05-30T07:11:00.000-07:00

I don't think I have experienced a more joyous or frightening passage than moving into the season of parenting. The responsibility of raising children is not to be taken lightly.

Survivorship definitely has an affect on parenting.

A few years ago, a friend of mine confided that when she was young, she made the conscious choice never to have children. She said that she was positive she would damage her children the same way her parents had damaged her. She wanted to spare her unborn kids that agony. Now that she is past her child-bearing years, she has some sadness, but no regret.

I know another survivor who also decided not to have children. Although she loved kids, she didn't want to take the risk of harming them. After she married and became a caring teacher, many people marveled at her gift for nurturing little ones, and they encouraged her to have kids of her own. Still, her fear of parenting held her back. Ten years passed before she had healed enough to re-evaluate her position. She realized that she didn't have to be her mother. She is now thrilled to be the loving mother of two.

I didn't enter motherhood with as much foresight as these women. Young and newly married, I walked blindly into the decision to become a mother with a burning desire to create a new loving family. I sought to provide all the love and affection that goes with a happy childhood, along with the warmth and closeness that makes family life secure and content.

When I held my first-born daughter in my arms, joy soared through me and sang its very own special song of fulfillment and wonder. I looked at my daughter with awe. The baby was so tiny, so innocent and so vulnerable. Fear gripped me as I tried to fathom the vast responsibility, wise guidance and parental protection it would take to raise a healthy, whole human being.

I knew I had to make a conscious decision to learn a healthy method of parenting. I devoured parenting books, took parenting classes, surrounded myself with people whose parenting skills I respected and admired, and drew off of my earlier memories and experiences with my loving father.

Parenting is a lot of hard work. I tried to balance healthy parental guidance while I continued to navigate my own recovery. My daughters certainly illuminated my childhood losses. Each time I celebrated my children's triumphs, I felt the impact of my abuse and of my mother's emotional absence in my childhood and youth. As I celebrated with my girls all the important events and passages in their lives, I simultaneously experienced joy and sorrow. Joy at their milestones, happy to guide, advise and protect; I brimmed with pride and enthusiasm for them.. Then quietly, I mourned for myself.

Witnessing the mother-daughter relationship in others was especially sad. Watching mothers as they share life's passages - passing on love and wisdom to their daughters. This was never so apparent to me as when I witnessed the closeness of most mothers and daughters, where a mother guides her daughter through pregnancy, and shares the joy of childbirth. I mourned what should have been...what could have been...and was not.

Each day I journey further down the path of recovery, I discovered new ways in which my abuse affected my life, my relationships and my parenting.

Walking the fine line between the conscious choice I made not to be my mother and the less conscious choice not to be her polar opposite, kept me on my toes. After my children reached adulthood, I realized that I had leaned closer to "opposite" from my mother and had become overly involved in my children's lives. Fortunately, they were good about letting me know when I needed to "back off," and I did - for the most part.

What I didn't know as I was raising my children, was that just being the children of an abuse survivor would impact them. Although I watched over my children like a mother hen, my children were negatively affected by visits to my family members prior to our estrangement. The estrangement affected them as well. They witnessed me wrestling with my own childhood wounds. I unintentionally modeled for my children certain behaviors and responses in my adult relationships that resulted from my old wiring and abuse, such as reactions born out of PTSD.

Whenever I discover new ways in which my childhood abuse affects/affected my parenting, I tell my children and make a sincere effort to listen to what they have to say - even now in our adult-adult relationships.

I know I haven't done a perfect job; however, the good far outweighs the bad and I am always open to listening to my children.

Although my longing for a close mother/daughter relationship was never realized with my own mother, it is heartwarming to experience a loving mother/daughter relationship with my own children.

I love my children unconditionally and they know it. I did succeed at breaking the cycle of abuse, and I am happy to be the proud matriarch of a new family legacy.

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2009-05-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

Marj, our carnival founder is hosting the May Edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse at Survivors Can Thrive! The theme for this month's edition is:

Remembering "Veteran" Survivors

Please support the community by checking out the amazing array of posts in this months edition.

Guest Blogger

2009-05-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

Michele Rosenthal of PARASITES OF THE MIND offers what is arguably the most comprehensive PTSD Blog on the web. She provides many informative posts, along with a wide range of PTSD Resources, a free Healing Workshop, and a weekly feature called, Survivors Speak.

I am honored that Michele invited me to be her guest blogger this week.

Thank you Michele!

My guest post on Survivors Speak is available here.

Thanks!
Nancy

UPDATE: You can view Michele's follow-up post here.

Remembering to Mourn

2009-05-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

I've always had difficulty with mourning.

Often, when I find myself entering a new phase of healing, such as with my current life transition, I take note of the healing foundation I've already developed. I use my old ground work as a blueprint to guide me and a base on which to build from there.

It has taken a great deal of hard work to re-wire my brain, heart, and psyche in order to rid myself of my PTSD, dissociation and to change the old unhealthy internal messages, feelings and responses with new healthy internal messages feelings and responses. Although I am relieved that my abuse no longer feels present, I know that some of the effects of my abuse will linger for the rest of my life. I am after all, the culmination of all my experiences both good and bad, healed and unhealed.

In times of stress, it sometimes feels natural to go on "auto-pilot" and to fall back on old wiring and survival instincts, rather than remembering to "stay awake at the wheel" and to use my new tools. Of all the healing lessons I've learned - such as validating my pain, exercising self-care, expressing my feelings, and releasing my anger - mourning has always been the most difficult for me. Being able to mourn entails "remembering" to do what is unnatural for me; to remain "present" with my feelings (see What? I Can Feel This?).

After spending a few weeks carrying around unresolved sadness, I've been searching my healing toolbox to help me mourn the losses I'm currently feeling.

I've heard a number of times over the years about a technique that entails giving ourselves 5 minutes each day to mourn, and then to "drop it" and go about our day. I always thought that was a ridiculous notion. How can we mourn huge losses in just five minutes during a day?

For many years, I looked at this exercise as a "limiting," "get over it" sort of suggestion. That is - until I tried it and it worked! The difference is that when I tried it, I approached this exercise from a another perspective. I didn't look at it as only allowing myself 5 minutes a day, and then "dropping it," but rather committing myself to at least five minutes a day of "dedicated" mourning.

In other words, rather than carrying un-mourned sadness around with me all day, I sat down, and dedicated myself to mourning. I was amazed at how much this dedicated mourning helped to release my sadness and then I didn't carry it around all day.

Since I have difficulty mourning, I need rituals to help me mourn. The most helpful exercise for me is to tell myself, "It's time to mourn." I go into a quite room and choose music that lends itself to "touching" my sadness. Then I hold out my hand - palm up, close my eyes, and picture my heart gently cradling my loss in the palm of my hand (person, place, thing). I let the music and my feelings guide me as I cry, mourn, and honor this loss.......

Life's Passages - Transition to Adulthood -Becoming Un-Enmeshed

2009-05-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

Last week, I wrote about "letting go" and how childhood abuse affects the later seasons of life. As I struggle to find a new rhythm at this stage in my life, I am reminded of prior passages that led to great growth. The first of course was my transition into adulthood. Boy was that a long and rocky transition! One that overlapped with other seasons as well.

I didn't understand at the time I entered adulthood that I was completely enmeshed with my mother. Or, that my enmeshment interfered with my ability to make adult choices that were not influenced by thoughts of her. For women like me, who grew up with an emotionally abusive and non-nurturing mother, healthy independence is a difficult place to achieve.

Long into adulthood, I failed to individuate from my mother. I was still a damaged child who felt responsible for her anger, blame, and hurt feelings. I couldn’t separate from my mother because, unconsciously, I kept looking for the love and approval that I never received as a child. So, I confused her needs, feelings, and opinions, with my own, rather than confidently making choices that were in my best interest.

Lucy Rose Fischer, Ph.D., in her book, Linked Lives: Adult Daughters and Their Mothers, writes: “For most daughters, it is the stability of the mothers’ attachment to them that allows them to go through the process of separation and develop a sense of independence.”

In other words, when we feel confident in the security of our home base - we are free to venture out and separate in a healthy manner. In the absence of this security, I remained negatively tied to my mother.

I had the normal "fight or flight" human survival instinct. For me, after a lifetime of fighting with my mother and remaining "stuck," I took flight. Our fourteen year estrangement gave me the space necessary to developed a new emotional foundation. Becoming un-enmeshed took years of physical separation along with hard work and complicated emotional growth - including learning to provide myself with the love and approval that I missed as a child.

During our years apart, I broke free from my enmeshment, and could see myself as a separate individual. I learned to exercise great boundaries, and to make choices that were based solely on what was best for me.

For many years, I thought that reconciling with my mother meant returning to my enmeshed (and abusive) family system. And it did, as long as I was still enmeshed.

I "let go" of the old relationship and built a new one in which there are clear, distinguishable lines of emotional separation.

Today, my own internal parent watches over me and provides all that which my mother is unable to give. For me, having a strong internal parent is what constitutes adulthood.

New Video - Book II

2009-05-12T05:45:00.000-07:00

New Video!

2009-05-09T11:59:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day

2009-05-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

It's Mother's Day again tomorrow. So, I thought I'd share an older post:

Holidays are difficult for those contending with losses (See Holiday Stress)– especially those holidays that celebrate the person at the center of our loss. The symbolism of Mother’s Day can be particularly difficult for estranged mothers and daughters.

During my twenties, I shrouded myself in denial. I tried to “buy” my mother’s love by providing her a day of false praise and tribute. In the years leading up to our estrangement, I often anticipated Mother’s Day with anger or dread. I searched the rows of Hallmark Cards trying unsuccessfully to find an authentic and respectful card that said something other than “For the best Mom ever.”

During the beginning of our estrangement, I often faced Mother’s Day with ambivalence - joyful about my role as a mother and sad about my painful losses with respect to my own mom.

The holidays do get better with time. After a few years of allowing myself the space to mourn my loss, I filled my Mother’s Days by honoring my own internal mother; by sharing a joy filled day with my daughters; by honoring the women who have made a positive difference in my life, and by advocating for other motherless daughters.

In that vein, make the space to mourn your loss and to celebrate the mother in you, who nurtures herself and/or her own children: Happy Mother's Day!

New Estrangement Support Sub-Groups

2009-05-07T06:04:00.000-07:00

Someone recently asked me if I knew of any support groups for "estranged siblings."

Estranged Stories, a fairly new ning estrangement support group just added six sub-groups including:

Siblings of Estrangement
Grandparents
Parents Estranged from Daughters
Parents Estranged from Sons
Adult Children Estranged from Parents
Resolutions and Reconciliations

Letting Go...and...The Passages of Our Lives

2009-05-06T06:23:00.000-07:00

I've always had a hard time letting go; letting go of my denial, self-blame, the old damaging voices in my head, my fears, my family, old roles, etc.....Yet, each time I have "let go" my life became better.

My old therapist once told me that I would be "recovering" for the rest of my life. I didn't believe him. At least I didn't want too. For decades, I have been healing at a deeper and deeper level; peeling away layers and becoming more whole. As I've peeled away each layer, I've rejoiced and said, "Yay! I'm in a great place! I'm done!"

By the time I reconciled with my family, I certainly thought I was "done" healing. The evidence was good. I no longer felt "triggered" by past events, and my abuse is more of a distant memory than a "present" reality. I'm able to view life through a "new lens" and the past no longer colors my day to day life.

Yet, here I am, once again finding myself struggling with "letting go," of something old. I think I finally figured out what my therapist meant nearly twenty years ago by "recovering for the rest of my life." It doesn't mean what I thought he meant. It doesn't mean I'll have nightmares about my abuse, or suffer from flash-backs, PTSD, or dissociation for the rest of my life. I don't. But what I think it does mean is that my childhood abuse will "have an affect" on the passages of my life.

As I pass through each season of life, I see where my childhood construction has been an important element to consider. We experience many seasons in our lives; the transition into adulthood; the season of parenting children; our professional years; the passage into the "empty nest" years; our season of retirement; the twilight years, etc.

At fifty-one, I'm trying to find a new rhythm in my life. It is time to shed the hectic, frenzied schedule I have kept since I was a child. Nonetheless, once again, I find that I am having a hard time letting go of something that no longer works for me. It is important for me to realize how I "got here" in order to get somewhere else.

As a child, no one took care of me. So, I took care of every one and every thing - except myself. Without realizing it, I've followed this pattern through every passage and every area of my life. Between work, home, and family, I have taken on sole responsibility for too much. It's time to "let go."

This doesn't mean an "all or nothing" sort of thing or simply "dropping" certain responsibilities. This means doing the hard emotional work to re-organize my life in a manner that everything still gets done - but not by me.

There is great value in examining the past. It can offer insight into where I am in the present and aid in forging new growth and making changes for a better future.

I'm on the healing road again......

Book Review

2009-05-06T06:20:00.000-07:00

Samin Khan, a Postgraduate Philosophy Lecturer, just reviewed Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation for Metapsychology Online Reviews.

I am profoundly grateful for his heartfelt and amazing review. You can view it here.

The Stages of Blame...

2009-04-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

...for me at least:

1) Self-Blame
2) Blaming the Perpetrator
3) Reclaiming and Taking Responsibility for my life - Moving from Victim to Survivor

1) Self- Blame: For me, stage one lasted the longest; more than twenty years. Sometimes, I still mourn for the little girl who felt suffocated under the load of blame and shame; hopelessness and betrayal.

Ever since childhood, I internalized my mothers blame, denial and the minimization of my abuse. Other family members and bystanders contributed to my feelings of shame as well. Sometimes, self-blame manifested itself by my arguing to be heard and defensiveness. Finally, during a therapy session at the age of 35, I pondered how I would react if someone threw one of my children down a flight of cement stairs. The thought of anyone hurting one of my kids horrified me. Although it was difficult, I turned the corner from internalizing blame to accepting my mothers responsibility for my abuse.

2) Blaming the Perpetrator: This stage also lasted a long time; approximately ten years. I placed the responsibility for my childhood abuse squarely where it belonged - on my abusers.

This ten year period was a time of huge growth for me. I was freed from my denial and had the opportunity to really examine my abuse and the effect it had on my life. I expressed my anger, I mourned my losses and learned to love the little girl of long ago.

3) Reclaiming and Taking Responsibility for my life - Moving from Victim to Survivor:

Self-blame was an unfortunate by-product of abuse. Blaming the abuser was an important and necessary shift in the recovery process. Armed with the reality of the facts, I was able to set a healing foundation to safeguard my own well being. At that point in my recovery- how my psyche became damaged, wasn't as important to me as how I was going to move forward to the life I deserved. I realized that the only one who could take responsibility for my life was me!

Moving past the blame was a huge relief for me. It gave me control over my own life and felt very empowering. This doesn't mean that I have erased from my mind that my abusers are responsible for my abuse. On the contrary. It means that no longer "obsess" about the blame, but rather take responsible for my life today!

I went through a similar process with my family estrangement: Self-blame and defensiveness; blaming my family; and then taking responsibility for my own life.

What a relief. My family no longer has control over my life!

Why Isn't it Okay to Be Angry?

2009-04-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

Most everyone says it is good to express our feelings; happy, glad, sad, fear, affection, guilt, shame, grief, courage, respect, hope...and then there is the dreaded - anger!

Lately, many people have said to me, "Why does everyone tell me that I shouldn't be angry? That makes me even angrier!"

Since so many people have talked to me recently about their struggles with anger, I thought I would re-post one of the very first posts I wrote when I began blogging.

Dealing with Anger

Anger corrodes... Forgive and forget... Negativity is harmful to your health... These often-heard statements usually instill a sense of urgency that implies that we should "get over it" immediately.

For many years, I was so frightened to admit that I was angry that I tried to pretend I was not.
I continued to allow my abuse while I worked at suppressing my anger. Eventually, I felt little else but simmering resentment. Without receiving validation that I had a right to my feelings, my anger remained stuffed inside and unresolved.

Anger has its place. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to embrace my anger. Not forever, but long enough to respect a healthy sort of rage over what had happened to me. My anger provided a tool for protecting myself from further harm, and a springboard from which to heal.

Although my mom abused and betrayed me, I felt very conflicted about her. She hurt me deeply, and nevertheless I loved my mother. I loved her and I was angry with her.

People are often uncomfortable with anger and therefore advise us that it isn't good to be angry. Their well-meaning advice proved to be a great disservice to me.

It wasn't until I did receive validation from other people that I found appropriate ways to discharge my rage, protect myself, and move past my anger. I gave myself permission to be constructively angry - to use my irritation as an aid in moving forward - until the hurt no longer felt present. It is important to honor the depth of our injuries as a way of moving past the pain.

Finding methods to diffuse my resentment wasn't easy. Solitary anger exercises were not effective for me. I tried techniques such as writing an angry letter and ceremoniously burning it. Still my anger remained.

Expressing my anger in the company of trusted confidantes was very helpful. Dark humor like "bad mother" jokes helps for me as well. Participating with friends in interactive exercises gave me the sense of not being alone, and validated that I had a right to my anger. I am certain that what makes seemingly unbearable pain bearable, is the ability of another to hold our pain. They held my pain and helped me move past my rage.

There is an important distinction between - a) perpetuating anger by raging at the individuals who harmed us, and - b) discharging anger in safe environments apart from the individuals who caused the harm.

Bringing my injuries "into the light" and acknowledging my anger in the safety of supportive individuals brought me emotional freedom, and a measure of peace.

Love Ya Award

2009-04-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Colleen at Surviving by Grace for giving me The LOVE YA award: “These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

If you've won it already, and I know a few of you have, even more than once! - please just accept this as a gift!
Thanks to the following for blessing us with your openness in sharing your journey:

1. Tamara at Desire to Heal who shares an unquenchable and successful desire to heal herself and support others survivors.

2. Michelle at Parasites of the Mind who is not only an amazingly supportive blogger - she is the "go to gal" for everything PTSD.

3. Marj at Survivors Can Thrive - to me, Marj is the heart and soul of the survivor blogging community, tying us all together.

4. Just Be Real who makes sure every blogger knows they are not alone!

5. Patricia at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker who sheds a hopeful, spiritual light on recovery.

6. Mile191 - at Come into my Closet - who shares her riveting voice and "soaks up" her recovery within a wide community of survivors.

7. Faith Allen of Blooming Lotus - for her heart-felt vulnerability within a wide range of topics that question, inform and investigate all aspects of recovery.

8. Enola who gives us a clear window into suvivorship by beautifully sharing so many aspects of her life.

Finding a Therapist

2009-04-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

Finding a therapist can be a frighting undertaking for adult survivors of childhood abuse.

Someone recently asked me how I found good therapists:

After a couple of bad therapeutic experiences, I learned that it was essential for me to find a therapist who specialized in recovery from severe childhood abuse/trauma.

But how?

I've used three avenues to find a professional specializing in abuse recovery:

1) Community referral - My aunt is a therapist (non trauma issues). She has been a good source to find "highly recommended" trauma recovery therapists where I live. If you know of a therapist with an excellent reputation in another area of analysis (or know someone else who does) ask if they can refer you to someone well known in the field of trauma recovery.

I have given referrals to other survivors in my area for therapists who have been helpful to me. If you know other survivors in your area, this would be a good resource.

2) Local University Psychology Department/Hospital Trauma Department referrals.
This is another successful avenue I have used.

3) Insurance Company Referrals. If you have medical insurance with "mental health" coverage, they may be able to recommend a professional who deals with trauma recovery.

Next: The Interview

I ask a list of questions pertinent to me:

1) What is your background and education?
2) What types of clients to you see?
3) Describe how you see the therapeutic relationship?
4? What are the recovery principles you adhere to and methods you use and why?
5) Are you comfortable with strong emotions, i.e..denial, anger, terror, etc...
6) How would you solve a situation if one of your own personal issues clouded your objectivity with mine?

I ask this question because once, during therapy, I told my therapist that I thought he'd lost his objectivity. He said, "You're right. We are in an area where my personal issues have clouded my judgment and frankly, I don't think I can get it back."

While I was grateful for his honesty, I was sad that I had to find another therapist. I was also afraid that if I invested a great deal of time and energy in a new therapist, I could have to start all over again from scratch.

My new counselor told me that it is not uncommon for a therapist's issues to become "tangled" up with a client during the therapeutic process - especially as we delve very deep. Therapy is an emotional journey and they are only human.

He did say however, that when this happens, it is a wonderful opportunity for the therapist to do "their own work." This could mean, one of many things:

The therapist didn't know he or she was "reacting" from his or her own issues until the client pointed out that something was "amiss" and is then able to make a quick adjustment.
The therapist could have an open discussion with the client and "own" their stuff.
The therapist may feel this issue is substantial enough to seek individual help (apart from the client) from another therapist.
Or even have a third-party therapist help "untangle" the issue between the therapist and the client (if this is a longstanding relationship that "hit a bump."

In any case, I want to know "up front" how the therapist would handle this sort of situation. To say it couldn't happen would be a red flag for me.

Next: Establishing the Relationship

1) Trust - this is a huge issue for survivors. As I said, after a couple of bad therapeutic experiences and a lifetime of family abuse and betrayal, trust was a big issue for me. When I met with my first "abuse recovery therapist," I flat out told him, "I don't trust!" He said, "That's okay, we'll build trust!" He was right.

2) As we get to know one another, I ask myself, "Am I comfortable with this person?"

3) I'm looking for someone who listens well, asks questions, suggests exercises, and offers examples of psychological theory to consider, rather than giving answers or telling me what I should do.

4) Validation. To me, a good therapist can validate my feelings, "bear witness" to my trauma, and ask thought provoking questions that invite growth.

5) A good therapist provides a safe environment to discharge anger and other strong emotions.

6) A good therapist provides a safe environment for me to talk about my experiences without fear of blame or judgment. Nor will he/she try to "rescue" me from my pain - but allow me to be "present" with my feelings in order to learn to deal with them.

7) A good therapist has good personal boundaries.

The April Edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2009-04-17T06:07:00.000-07:00

is up at childabusesurvivor. Mike is hosting a huge edition this month with a wide array of inspiring topics!

Check it out!

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

2009-04-11T07:00:00.001-07:00

A reader recently asked me if I would share some qualities that I came to understand were "red-flags" for unhealthy relationships vs. qualities of healthy relationships.

Wow! Tough question.

For many years, it was difficult for me to discern what was and was not healthy for me. Even after considerable healing there were many times that I felt "triggered" even if the other person was behaving in a healthy manner. For example, if another person held a matriarchal role in my life, or other such circumstances that triggered old unsafe childhood feelings, I couldn't differentiate between whether my present situation was unsafe, or I was experiencing old unhealed wounds.

Conversely, sometimes someone was behaving in a manner that was injurious to me and I failed to recognize the behavior because I was still wired to treat myself the way my mother treated me. I argued and "engaged" rather than protecting myself.

Today, I believe that I am responsible to safeguard my own well-being. So, some of my red flags are about me.

I'm sure there are many relationship/friendship "red-flags," however, these are the warning signs that are most pertinent to me:

1. Boundary Issues: Do they maintain their own healthy boundaries? Do they respect boundaries in others? Do they have enmeshment issues? It has only been the last few years that I've learned to consistently maintain clear, respectful, boundaries. Everyone needs to take responsibilities for their own boundaries; yet, a red flag for me, is if I need to spend an inordinate amount of time guarding those boundaries.

2. Blaming: Someone who takes no personal responsibility for his or her own actions or problems, but rather blames me or others.

3. Unrealistic Expectations: Expects me to meet all of his or her needs, and/or tries to move the relationship along too quickly.

4. Dishonesty, Betrayal: Because I was betrayed in my most basic relationships, it took me years to realize that I actually betrayed myself when I accepted betrayal as a part of my relationships.

5. Lack of Compassion, empathy, or inability to connect with others: I have to be very careful with this one. I grew up without any compassion or empathy. As an adult, I needed to learn a healthy balance between 1) learning to provide my own self-compassion, rather than a dependence on others to solely meet this need, and 2) recognizing when someone lacks empathy, compassion, or connectedness.

6. Critical, Demeaning, or disrespectful: If I don't recognize these qualities right away, they can slowly chip away at my self-esteem.

7. Controlling, Bossy, Demanding: Big red flag!

8. Poor conflict resolution skills.

9. Poor self-esteem: Boastful; needs his or her ego fed at the expense of others and/or places his or her needs above everyone else.

10. Crazy-making, ceaseless arguments. This is two-fold for me. It is a red flag about the other person if they need to be "right"all the time (i.e. facts or circumstances). Although feelings have no right or wrong, it is also a red flag about me if I find myself engaging in ceaseless arguments looking for understanding about my feelings. It took me a long time to learn not to engage, but rather stand confidently in my own experience.

Healthy qualities would be the opposite:

1. Maintains his or her own boundaries; respects boundaries in others.
2. Accepts responsibility for his or her own problems and actions.
3. Able to meet his or her own needs as well as share in each others lives.
4. Honest and open.
5. Displays an appropriate degree of compassion, empathy, and understanding.
6. Loving, respectful, dignified, focus's on positives rather than negatives
7. Mutual problem solving
8. Good, calm, listening and communication skills
9. Good self esteem: Self-respectful, humble, and is respectful of others needs.
10. Places relationships ahead of need to be right, and/or can stand confidently in own experience.

Spending Time With My Nieces and Nephews

2009-04-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I spent spent the afternoon at the Children's Museum with my youngest brother, his wife, and their four children, ages 8 months, 2, 3, and 4 years old. What a treat! We had loads of indescribable fun.

One of the many losses incurred with family estrangement is the loss of the children involved. When I became estranged from my family of origin, my two daughters were thirteen and ten. My oldest brothers children were approximately ten, eight, and four. Fourteen years later, when I reconciled with my family, all of these children were grown.

My youngest brother had two children at the time we reconciled. His son was two years old and his daughter was one.

There are many painful "firsts" when we become cut-off from our family members - first birthdays, holidays, successes, and tragedies - all dealt with alone. These same "firsts" can be bittersweet upon re-entry. My first reunion with my youngest brother and his family was at an outdoor dinner theater for a production of Annie. Meeting my nephew and niece for the very first time touched my heart with smiles and tears. We had lost precious time, never to be replaced. Yet, they were adorable and the play mesmerized them with child-like wonder.

In the two and a half years since our reconciliation, I have had the opportunity to share in the birth of two more of his children, birthdays, baptisms, and other special events.

My middle brother (who lives out of state) had three children during our estrangement. They are still quite young, and although I don't see them very often, it is wonderful to get to share in their lives.

My brother's children are bundles of energy - full of rambunctious excitement and laughter. With my own children grown, I delight in sharing occasional childhood events. For instance, visiting the zoo through a child's eyes, full of innocence and wonder. The energy and enthusiasm they exude retelling childhood experiences at school, with friends, or at dance class amuses me.

Reconciliations are hard work filled with many conflicting emotions, risks, and rewards. As time marches on, it gets easier and easier to simply enjoy.

Estrangement Polls

2009-04-06T07:09:00.000-07:00

I'm starting two polls on the reasons for family estrangement.

If you don't see the cause of your estrangement on the polls, please add a comment to this post. Blogger doesn't allow changes to a poll once voting has begun, but I will manually add it into the results when voting is done.

I've been in contact with many people who are estranged from family members and desperately wish to reunite. Often, they question why their loved ones wish to remain apart and are left to wonder "What happened?"

Estrangements are complicated. I believe that often, the reasons for estrangement have been building for years until one incident seems to have caused the rift. Usually our perceptions of why the estrangement happened are different from our family members. Estrangements are like icebergs - we only see the tip - yet the complicated dynamics are hidden far below the surface, often beyond our emotional comprehension.

In my own estrangement for instance, although family violence was the clear reason for me, each one of my family members thought the reasons for estrangement were completely different.

Thanks for your input!

Sometimes, We Must Die to the Old to be Born to the New

2009-04-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

My minister once told me that we experience many "resurrections" in our lives as we "die to the old" and are "born to the new."

She told me this as I was facing a devastating loss. Standing on the threshold between the known and the unknown was frightening, even though I knew that the known was harmful to me.

I died to the old when I became estranged from my entire family of origin. That death brought on the birth of my new "family of choice." I experienced growing pains with my new family as it began in its infancy, toddled on through adolescence, and eventually arrived fully grown.

It was hard to give up on my dream of a healthy, abuse-free, family of origin, but self-preservation prevailed. I chose survival. After years of rebuilding my life, I realized that my new "family" was more supportive, loving, nurturing and fulfilling than any of my prior dreams or experiences.

Fourteen years later, I died to the old when I became open to new realities - even when they contradicted the past - and the reconciliation with my family of origin was born.

I've experienced many such deaths and births on my journey from abuse and estrangement to surviving and thriving. Each "death" was frightening. It required taking a leap of faith into the unknown, hard work, loss, pain, healing, learning, growing, and stretching:

The death of denial - the birth of awareness.

The death of keeping the family secret - the birth of "Standing in the Truth."

The death of isolation - the birth of validation.

The death of violation - the birth of boundaries.

The death of accepting mistreatment - the birth of self- love and safe-guarding my own well-being.

The death of accepting betrayal - the birth of self-respect.

The death of arguing, defending, and engaging - the birth of confidence.

The death of looking outward to have my needs met - the birth of looking inward to satisfy my own needs.

The death of brokenness - the birth of healing.

With growth comes loss, but eventually, healing and freedom. Birthing is always difficult, but well worth the reward.

A Fresh Start With Sallie Felton

2009-03-31T07:54:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, I'll be a guest on A Fresh Start With Sallie Felton which broadcast live from Seattle, Washington on Contact Radio 106.9 FM HD Channel 3.

We will be discussing Family Estrangement, Reconciliation, Healing, and Forgiveness.

To listen LIVE via the web, visit: Contact Radio. From the home page, click on the "LISTEN NOW" button in the upper left hand column.

Wednesday April 1st:
12 - 1 PM Pacific Time
1 - 2 PM Rocky Mountain Time
2-3 PM Central Time
3-4 PM Eastern Time

Should you wish to listen later; the show will be available in the archives.

Filling the Void

2009-03-28T07:00:00.000-07:00

As an abused child and later as an adult, I spent most of my life navigating a relationship with my mother, waiting for the day she would love and nurture me. Even after our estrangement, I lived with the hopeful longing that she would open her arms and be my mother.

There was a "void" in my heart where a mother should be. After time, I stopped longing for "my" mother and began to long for "a" mother.

As more time passed, I realized that the only person who could love me the way I wanted to be loved - was me.

The void I was feeling was more than just the absence of my mother, it was also the absence of my own internal mother.

No parent can do a perfect job; therefore, everyone needs to learn to parent certain parts of themselves. The difference for me was, whereas most people have much of their internal parent placed within them by the loving actions of their own parent, an abuse survivor, needs to internalize a parent largely on their own.

Looking inward rather than outward helped to fill the void. By the time I did reconcile with my mother, I no longer needed the nurturing she couldn't provide. For the first time in my life, I was able to stand before her - no longer a damaged child - but rather a strong, confident, quietly powerful woman!

Progress vs. Pain Free

2009-03-21T14:39:00.000-07:00

When it comes to healing from childhood abuse and/or family estrangement, it was hard for me to recognize my progress, especially when I was still in pain.

Sometimes, I'd feel triggered by a certain event and I'd despair, "Will I ever heal? Will I always be in pain?" It didn't dawn on me that I viewed healing as all or nothing. As long as I experienced any pain I failed to notice my progress.

Many years ago, after a period of hopelessness, I realized that I was indeed making progress. I could measure my progress in terms of years. Where am I compared to fifteen years ago?...Five years ago?...and one year ago? The answer, of course, was: "In a much better place."

I could see that each time I "hit" a patch of pain, I was healing at a deeper level. Sometimes, my feelings may have been the same, but I was not the same!

When I began to focus on my progress vs. being pain free, it restored my energy and gave me renewed hope!

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2009-03-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

The March edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up at My Clouds, My Storms and Multiple Personality Disorder.

The theme for this month's carnival is "Telling the Secret." What a great topic!

Two New Support Groups

2009-03-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

Both are Ning social networking groups. One is a new support group for people dealing with family estrangement and the other is for abuse survivors.

A few months ago, Mike McBride of Child Abuse Survivor, started a new online support group called, Child Abuse Survivors. This is an active group of people with a membership that has already grown to over 165 individuals. Great job Mike!

Estrangement resources are often difficult to find. There is a new online support group called Estranged Stories, where individuals can share their stories and help one another deal with this devastating loss. At this point, the active membership is predominately made up of parents who are estranged from adult children.

Family of Choice / Second Chance Family

2009-03-05T13:27:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine sent me a video today that touched my heart. It reminded me of "rebuilding families."

A huge part of recovering from family estrangement is building a "Family of Choice." Or, as Mark Sichel calls it, a "Second Chance Family."

Family cut-offs are huge losses. Even if our relationship(s) was stressful, there is no way around mourning this sort of "death:" our history... what could have been... what should have been... and what was not.

We mourn as we rebuild until the rebuilding out-weighs the mourning.

After my family estrangement, I began to fill my Holidays and other family traditions with my new "family" of choice." Once I'd healed enough to be emotionally present with my new "family," I relished in the experience of walking amongst these people and feeling love in the air.

Given my personal experience, videos about animals creating inter-species relationships/family groups intrigue me:

Standing in the Truth

2009-02-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

Truth-telling is an important part of the healing process. Yet, "standing in the truth" requires some preliminary healing and a great deal of support.

Recently, I had an online conversation with someone about healing from abuse, estrangement, and reconciliation. In the course of the conversation we talked about "standing in the truth" - the point in our healing process when we are able to confidently speak the truth and reclaim our lives.

From Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation:

Chapter Five

Standing in the Truth

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly."

-Martin Luther King, Jr., Letter from
the Birmingham jail, April 16, 1963

Breaking the cycle of abuse is one of the most important undertakings I have attempted in my lifetime. I knew that breaking the cycle would take more than not seeing my mother. Living a new life required healing, understanding my mother, our family dynamic and myself, if I wanted a better life for my children and me.

Long into adulthood, I was drawn to my mother, craving and searching for her love. Although rebellion was often my mainstay, on a certain level, I accepted my mother's blame, denial and the minimization of my abuse. Yet, during therapy, I pondered how I would react if someone threw one of my children down a flight of cement stairs. The thought of anyone hurting one of my kids horrified me. Although difficult, turning the corner from internalizing blame to accepting
my mother's responsibility freed me from denial. Once freed, I began to speak the truth and to realize that I was justifiably angry. I knew I was angry; but, for the first time, I gave myself permission to be angry. My anger helped me give voice to my experiences. Standing in the truth was a positive move towards breaking the cycle of abuse.

I suffered a huge price for standing in the truth. Taking a stand against abuse is not possible without breaking the silence and exposing injustice. Therein lies the biggest obstacle to creating an abuse free family legacy.

Truth telling is an uphill climb for the victim/survivor. In an abusive family, the rest of the family often condemns the family member who "breaks the silence" and tells the family secret.

Silence aids the abuser and shields him or her from accountability. Silence maintains "status quo" for the rest of the family. Silence is easy; silence requires no action; breaking the silence, however, requires strength and unimaginable loss. I have since learned that an abuser will normally do everything within his or her power to keep the victim, survivor, professional, or other bystander silent. When the perpetrator fails to maintain silence, he or she will resort to discrediting the victim or bystander with persuasive arguments. Like many survivors, I found myself ostracized and alone. The spectators remained silent.

Judith Lewis Herman, M.D., describes this occurrence in her book Trauma and Recovery (New York: Basic Books, 1997) p.7:

It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement and remembering.

It is my experience that people don't want to believe the victim. There is something in us that wants to disassociate from the truth. We don't want to taint ourselves with the horrible acts committed by individuals that we care about in our families and our communities. Human nature is to deny the truth, protect our illusions and avoid unpleasantness.

Victims who try to break the cycle of violence by themselves usually face retaliation on top of abuse.

For twenty-five years, since the age of ten, I stood alone in the truth about my family. In the years since the loss of my sacred childhood, I thought I was alone in this experience. Unfortunately, mine is not an isolated experience. There are thousands of survivors, such as myself standing alone in the truth about our families.

The appearance of normalcy and safeguarding the family secret takes precedence over everything else. THE SECRET is more important than the victim. THE SECRET is more important than health, happiness, family or relationships.

Had I known the price I would pay, the losses I would incur, and the isolation I would feel for simply telling the truth, I would have thought twice. However, the truth always has a way of coming out - if not in this generation, in the next.

I didn't understand the power of THE SECRET. I wish I knew then that my resolve to speak the truth about my family would be tested time and again.

I loved my mother. I didn't want to hurt my mom, but I wanted her to love me too. I didn't know that when I told the big family secret, I would have to choose between my mother and the truth. Still I told the truth.

I worried that my family wouldn't love me if I broke my silence, but in the end, I didn't believe they would all abandon me either. I didn't know that one by one I'd have to choose between my three brothers, my grandmother and the truth. Still, I told the truth.

Life has a way of asking:

Will you tell the truth even when the perpetrator retaliates?

Will you continue to tell the truth even when the offender convinces family and friends that you are "crazy," that you lie, that the abuse is your fault, or that it is all in the past?

Will you tell the truth when one by one; family members and friends sever their relationships with you?

Will you still stand in the truth when you find yourself standing alone?

The Ten People I Couldn't Have Healed Without

2009-02-19T12:23:00.000-08:00

1. My dad (he died when I was nine): who bestowed upon me his loving parental heart in an otherwise barren childhood. His unconditional love planted the seeds that I would later dig up and use to internalize self-love.

2. My aunt Julie (Mom's sister): who was/is the closest thing I've had to a nurturing mother. She has stood by me (amidst great external opposition) my entire life, including during my fourteen year estrangement from my entire family of origin. Her support made the difference between my emotional survival and falling into the abyss. I love her!

3. My friend Nina: who was the first person to listen to me about my abuse. And who continues to "be there" for me no matter what. I'll be forever grateful to her and for her!

4. An unnamed bad relationship: who taught me that I can learn and grow even from the bad stuff!

5. My gentleman friend Bill, who stuck with me while I worked through all the childhood stuff that affects my relationships. What an amazing blessing he is!

6. & 7. My daughters: who gave me the joy of finally experiencing a loving mother-daughter bond.

8. A really great therapist: who helped me tear down my old emotional construction and rebuild a healthy new emotional foundation.

9. Rev. Dr. Marie M. Fortune, founder of the Faith Trust Institite; the first person (and for many years the only person) from the religious community who told me that I didn't have to forgive. She gave me the freedom to focus on my own well-being and to nurse myself back to emotional health; which sent me on a healing journey that eventually (and ironically) freed me to forgive.

10. Last - but not least - me: for my courage, strength, determination, self-love and self-respect.

God, Why Have You Abandoned Me?

2009-02-12T13:03:00.000-08:00

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I believe that today - but there was a time......

I felt so hurt and alone, I ached for some sort of physical evidence of God's love for me. Had He abandoned me too?

Sometimes, survivors tell me that they feel abandoned by God; or, that they have a hard time believing that God cares about what has happened to them. My heart always breaks when I hear these stories. I have been there.

I think it is natural for survivors of faith to feel abandoned by God, especially since so many people have turned away from us and/or abandoned us in our time of need. When I felt physically and emotionally alone, it was hard for me to imagine that I wasn't spiritually alone as well. So much of God's Love comes in the form of messages from the people that He sends to us. Sometimes I felt so wounded, that it was hard for me to recognize these people and/or messages.

Every so often, when I shared my pain with someone they would simply say, "God is with you." This statement didn't seem to be enough; it often left me feeling all alone.

I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way... Even Christ wondered if what was happening to Him mattered to God. In Matthew 27:46, Jesus cries out with a loud shout, "My God, My God, why have you abandoned me?"

My minister once told me that when I feel alone, I should visualize Christ on the cross. In the human sense, He was completely alone. Yet, He was not alone. God was with His beloved Child.

Visualizing Christ, suffering alone, but not alone, gave me the strength to feel God's presence meeting me right where I am......

I felt God's presence when after years of "not being able to feel," He blessed me with healing tears to wash away the pain.

I felt overwhelming gratitude when He sent people who were willing to bear witness to my pain!

Sometimes, I wrapped myself in a blanket and imagined God's unconditional love surrounding me like giant hands tenderly holding me, loving me, and keeping me safe.

I felt awe when His promise came within reach.......

I do have hope!
I do have a future!

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2009-02-06T08:22:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the February, 2008 edition of
The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse!

Whether you submitted a post, or you are taking the carnival for a spin in support of the cause, thank you for being a part of this community!

Quite a few new bloggers joined in this month. Welcome! All totaled, we received many wonderful submissions. I hope you are as moved by them as I am.

As always, please use caution when reading. Many of these posts may trigger.

Our first category in what I believe is the twenty-first edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is:

Poetry

Mary's poems quite often touch the vulnerable little girl in me. Today, she shares a simple poem that speaks volumes about the lasting pain of childhood sexual abuse titled, The Past How it Makes Me Weep posted at Nippercat's Home. Thank you Mary, for sharing your brave voice.

Healing and Therapy

Faith Hoffen, of Hope for Coping with Traumatic Stress joins us with two posts straight from the heart. In her first, titled This is a Safe Place, Faith generously offers a safe, compassionate ear. For her second post, I Choose to Forgive, Faith says, "This post is about my choice to forgive, and struggle to heal." She makes it clear that forgiveness isn't about forgetting. It is all about her, and isn't a free pass for her abusers! Kudos for making it about what is best for you, Faith!

The next contribution is from Colleen, of Surviving by Grace. Colleen joins in with a beautiful, healing post titled, A Beloved Daughter. Like Colleen, I know many other survivors who "wince" at the phrase "God the Father." Thank you Colleen, for sharing the tender way in which you are healing this wound.

Little Sheep, of My (Sick and Ugly) Story, offers a gripping poem to our collection. She says Don't Call the Psychiatrist Yet "is a sorta poem, but i think it goes in healing and therapy more than poetry. i'm so glad i found the community of child abuse bloggers..." Welcome Little Sheep! We are glad you found us too.

JIP, from Life Spacings sent in a list of wise therapy guidelines that she learned the hard way - through experience, in her post, Top Ten Most Valuable Therapy Tips. Thanks for passing on these hard earned lessons!

In another wonderful post packed with helpful tips, Girl Anachronism, from the blog of the same name, presents, Some of the Things I do to Stay Grounded During Crisis. Wow! Great pictures. Great Ideas. Everyone should check these out! Way to take care of yourself GA!

Girl Anachronism, also offers another beautiful post titled, Creating a Safe Space. She says, "This post is the result of an art therapy assignment for which I was given a box in which to create a safe space." Again, her creativity is incredible!

Holly, from Woman Tribune, offers a DVD review from her perspective as a survivor in her post, DVD Review: Healing Sex. Holly said, "'Healing Sex' is an educational film that presents verbal and physical exercises to help establish trust and intimacy in relationships after trauma." Thank you Holly!

Mike McBride from Child Abuse Survivor, sent in a thought-provoking post titled, Outliers and Emotional Intelligence about the ability to successfully navigate life. I think this one will strike a cord with most survivors.

In my own post, Hope for the Future, I reach back to comfort and reassure the less-healed and more fearful me that she does indeed have a peaceful future to look forward to.

Aftermath

In order to protect the vulnerable and deal with injustice, every society must construct and understand the rules a community is to live by. Marcella Chester of abyss2hope, offers her debate over the definition of "consent" in her post No Clear Presence Of Non-Consent. Thank you for your powerful advocacy, Marcella!

In another post regarding "Non-Consent," Enola, from her blog of the same name, offers What I learned from Romance Novels. She said, "I hope that women everywhere will consider the effect that romance novels have on them, and on their children. It is amazing the things that young girls pick up from the books they read and the shows they watch. We, as parents, have an obligation to consider that. Now that I have both a son, and a daughter, I will be watching from more than one perspective." About her subsequent post, Raising a Son - a New Perspective, Enola says, "This is a follow-up to my first submission - looking at things from another viewpoint." Thank you, Enola for two great posts!

Our Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse founder, Marj aka Thriver, presents A Dissociative "Doh!" Marj said, "I am still caught quite off guard with some of the aftermath I deal with from my childhood abuse, trauma and subsequent dissociative disorder. What things resulting from your childhood trauma still sneak up and surprise you?" Great question Marj!

Survivor Stories

Mile 191 of Come into My Closet, joins us with The Rape - Trigger Warning!
She included her blog heading with her submission: come into my closet, come under my bed, where you'll find me hiding, the fear in my head. abuse in the past, now, where do i start, making my future, healing my heart. crushed, and broken, falling fast- needing comfort, make it last. There is a content warning before entering Mile 191's blog. If you are an abuse survivor - use caution when reading her post(s) as they may trigger. Thank you, Mile 191 for your bravery!

Advocacy and Awareness

This next submission breaks my heart. Again, use extreme caution when reading the following post. Ciara, at the newly formed blog, Abuse Angels..., submitted the story of Baby P, which is just one of many posts raising awareness about death by child abuse and assuring that these children's short, horrific lives are honored and not forgotten. Although the stories are horrendous, it is important to call attention to child abuse and encourage child protection!

In the News

Heart, from Women's Space, presents a disturbing news article titled: 43 Alaskan Native Americans File Suit Against Jesuits for Rape, Sexual Assault; Alaska was Catholic Church's Dumping Grounds for Rapist Priests. I ran the gambit of emotions reading this article from anger over this mind-boggling injustice, to compassion and encouragement for those who finally broke their silence after as many as sixty years.

I thought I'd follow up these stories by updating and encouraging the fight and the progress being made to protect our Nations children with: What's New at the National Association to Protect Children?

That wraps up this edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse! My gratitude to Marj a.k.a Thriver for all of her promotion and for guiding me through the ins and outs of being a guest host! What an honor!

BTW, Marj sent me a message to include in this edition, she said:

"If you've participated in our carnival by submitting posts that have been published in our carnival editions, I'd like to invite you to take the next step and host an edition at your own blog in the future. It's easy. It's fun and you get to meet a lot of new bloggers. And I make sure to help you every step of the way. Think about it and leave me a comment at my blog if you are interested. Thanks!"

~ Thanks for sharing these great posts! All my best to everyone!

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse - Last Call for Submissions

2009-02-04T07:00:00.001-08:00

Today is the submission deadline for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Publication will be on Friday.

If you haven't already done so, please join in by submitting here!

We still haven't received any posts for "In The News." It would be great if someone could round out this edition with a newsworthy post, but regardless of where your post fits, please submit! We would love to hear from you!

Thanks!
Nancy

What's New at The National Association to Protect Children?

2009-02-03T06:00:00.000-08:00

The National Association to Protect Children is a membership association dedicated to providing political strength and leadership to create tougher laws for the protection of abused children. They make a tremendous difference on both the State and Federal level!

I've posted information about PROTECT before, but it is always worthwhile to check in to see what new laws have passed, what new laws are pending, and what we can do to help safe guard children everywhere!

Hope for the Future

2009-01-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

As an adult survivor of childhood abuse and as a family estrangement survivor, for years, I wondered if there was hope for my future. Would I ever be at peace with my life?

Gratefully, at fifty-one years old, I can reach back in time and comfort my younger self:

"Yes, Nancy. Stay strong; you will find peace.

It will take a lot of hard work, but the reward will be great!

With the help of therapy and a circle of support, you will break through your self-protective denial about the severity of your abuse. You will feel overwhelming relief when your injuries are validated for the very first time in your life, and gratitude for those who share your burden of pain, anger, and loss. You will be awe-struck when you discover that you dissociate with trance-like states and that your flashbacks, anxiety, fear and hyper-vigilance have a name: PTSD.

At first you will just "skim the surface" of your recovery and think that you are done - ready to move on with your life. You will be devastated when you learn that in reality, these first steps only set the foundation necessary for you delve deeper into the core of your pain.

You will recover in layers - each more painful than the layer before. This will feel like you are not making any progress; however, don't be discouraged. Each layer of recovery is dependent on your prior healing experiences. At times you will fear that you won't survive the pain. But you will! Remember, you already survived the worst of it. You survived your childhood!

You will understand new concepts intellectually years before they travel the distance from your head to your heart. You will become impatient with yourself, believing your pace is too slow. At times you will be positive that your pain will never go away. It does! Be gentle with yourself.

You will learn about boundaries in theory, but it will take a decade to learn to effectively set and maintain clear, respectful, boundaries. It will also take years to put down your scapegoat mantle and to place your well-being firmly in your own hands. The hardest part of your recovery is the desire for instant results, rather than the deep understanding and healing the years will provide.

You will learn to treat yourself different than your mother treated you. You will treat yourself with self-respect, love and compassion.

I know it doesn't seem possible now, but your heart will heal enough to accept estrangement and move on to live the best life possible. You will realize that you have no control over the choices of your family members. Their words, thoughts, and actions have nothing to do with you.

Although your abuse and estrangement will always be a part of you, one day, it will be a distant memory rather than a present reality. The most important part of that memory will not be the abuse and estrangement itself - but rather all that you have learned and accomplished along the way - your strength, courage, compassion and the pride of living a better life in spite of your past."

The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse - First Call for Submissions

2009-01-21T10:49:00.000-08:00

Yay! We're having another edition of The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse! I am excited to guest host the February 6th publication!

The Submission Deadline for the up-coming issue is Wednesday, February 4th. Although each edition usually has a specific theme, I thought I would skip the use of a theme for this edition and ask that bloggers in the survivor community submit a post that is relevant to him or her at this point in time. You can choose a post that you already have on your blog, or write a new post for your blog to submit to this edition. Your post should fit into one of the following six categories:

Survivor Stories
Poetry
In the News
Healing and Therapy
Aftermath
Advocacy and Awareness

Please click here to submit an entry.

You don't have to be a survivor to submit a post. If you are a friend, or the loved one of a survivor, please tell us how their recovery has affected you.

If you are unfamiliar with The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse, you can check out the December 19th Holiday Edition at Survivors Can Thrive.

Blog Carnivals are publications centered on a specific topic (in this case - child abuse awareness). A community of bloggers band together to submit blog posts relevant to that particular topic. The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse was founded by Marj aka Thriver for the purpose of raising awareness about all forms of child abuse, including physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and verbal abuse.

Whether you have submitted before, or you are new to The Carnival, we would love to hear from you.

Hopefully, we'll have a great turn-out so we can help Marj keep The Carnival alive for the survivor community!

Many thanks to Marj for founding The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse!

Dealing with Dissociation

2008-12-29T08:56:00.001-08:00

A fellow survivor recently asked me how I dealt with my dissociation. I thought I would share my answer here. Of course, this is just an outline for a very complicated process:

It took a number of years for me to get a handle on my dissociation. The first step was to simply become aware that I dissociated.

Because I had dissociated since I was a child, the emotional disconnect felt so normal to me that I didn't even know that I experienced "altered states" until a therapist pointed it out to me.

After my counselor helped me identify times when I dissociated, I learned that it had a certain recognizable "quality," just like a dream has a familiar feel to it.

The clinical definition of dissociation is a disturbance or alteration in the normally integrative functions of identity, memory, or consciousness. In children, this may occur following physical abuse or trauma.

Most abuse survivors I have talked to have said that they have trouble "feeling," or that they have become "numb." Dissociation can manifest itself to many different degrees and in many different fashions; therefore, it can simply mean an inability to "feel." For me, when the pain became "too much," I became "trance like." My gaze became transfixed to one unknown spot and I disconnected from my feelings and surroundings. I could hear what was going on around me, but I couldn't "respond" to words, noises, or actions, because my emotional self "disappeared."

When I was a child, dissociation "saved my life." It was my survival tactic. If I had to feel that which was unbearable and unending, I would have most likely gone insane. Dissociation protected my sanity at a time when I had no one to help me.

Long after I grew up, I learned that the very mechanism that saved me as a child, harmed me as an adult. I couldn't protect myself when I was young, but I could and should as an adult.

I often stayed in "harmful" situations because I unknowingly dissociated rather than reacting to pain and safe-guarding my own well-being. If we listen closely, pain is a useful resource for protecting ourselves.

Once I realized that I did indeed dissociate, that the "emotional absences" were harmful to me, and that they prevented me from healing, I made a concerted effort to "re-wire" my responses. This of course takes a great deal of time.

Whenever I felt the "quality" that comes with dissociation, I began to "pull" myself out. I shifted my eyes away from that far off "blank stare," and forced myself to remain present with my surroundings. If I was with someone safe, that meant saying, "I'm struggling with keeping myself present and not dissociating."

If I was not with someone safe, that meant leaving or re-directing myself by whatever means necessary to "stay present." I'd also like to note that my symptoms of dissociation and PTSD often overlapped as I was trying to deal with my childhood abuse.

Learning to recognize and prevent these "trances" consistently took a very long time. In this way, I learned to redirected myself from dissociating, and stay present with what was happening, but I didn't yet learn to "hold" my own feelings.

It took a great deal of therapy to create an environment safe enough to "hold" my feelings and to resolve them with self-compassion and love. At first, I was so out of my comfort zone, I felt like I was feeling my away around in the dark. I kept asking my therapist, "Is it normal to feel this way?" I had no frame of reference.

Just like with any healing, we don't just turn on a switch and suddenly "feel" everything. It would be too much. Our psyche can only take on so much pain at once and our minds guide us through the process in baby steps as we are ready to take on more feelings. (See "What? I Can Feel This?")

Sometimes, it felt like I would never get to the other side, but I did, and it feels more rewarding than I ever thought possible.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T08:23:00.000-08:00

To all those contending with the turmoil surrounding an abusive family of origin and to those dealing with the pain of family estrangement, my thoughts and prayers are with you all this holiday season.

Warmest Wishes,
Nancy

On Child Abuse, Family Estrangement, and on Writing for Ourselves and for Others - Part Four

2008-12-21T19:48:00.000-08:00

I've been writing about topics of abuse, premature forgiveness, estrangement, and reconciliation repetitively and with great regularity for more than a decade and a half. In doing so, my thoughts on these subjects have remained central to my life, and have constantly evolved. I have shared this evolution in my books, articles, private message boards, e-mails, letters, and on this blog.

During the years that my abuse and estrangement recovery were a part of my daily life, I had much to write about. I have enjoyed the opportunity to provide survivors a glimmer of hope. Now that abuse and estrangement are more of a distant memory than a present reality, I find that I'm running out of things to say. I no longer have the regular "triggers" that provide new aspects to write about. As a survivor, that is good news!

I admire the many bloggers who share their recovery as it happens; when they are still raw and reeling with authentic emotions. They offer a glimpse into the process as it happens. Mine are reflections on how it was then. Over the past year, I have searched my mind to recall the different aspects of my recovery that were particularly difficult and to write a post on how I dealt with my struggle to overcome my pain.

I've been wrestling for the last few months with what it means at this point in my life to be a survivor. I feel tugged in two directions; a kinship and a desire to help those on the journey for which I have much empathy, along with a desire to find a balance and reap the rewards of my own healing.

Writing takes a great deal of emotional energy; however, my energy is often restored when someone writes to me to let me know that my energy is well spent.

I will continue to post, although with less regularity. Please feel free to peruse my older posts. I have much information here about my recovery from abuse and estrangement. When I think of something I would like to say, I will write about it.

Also, if anyone is struggling with something and would like my thoughts, I would be happy to share how I handled a similar situation, if I can.

You can post a comment or question here, or e-mail me through the e-mail address on my profile page.

Writing is and has been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life. It is an honor to be a part of a community of survivors!

On Child Abuse, Family Estrangement, and on Writing for Ourselves, and for Others - Part Three

2008-12-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

Twelve years after I began writing the first draft of my manuscript (Mother, I don't Forgive You), Heal and Forgive went to publication. By this time, I knew a number of other abuse survivors and I felt largely healed from my trauma. Yet, the pain of family estrangement continued to rear its heartbreaking head. Although the subject of abuse is no longer taboo in our society, family estrangement is still a topic hidden in shame.

I joined a number of online estrangement support groups, and found solace that I was not alone in this experience. In sharing our circumstances, receiving validation, and offering support to others, once again, I found greater clarity about my healing and recovery from family estrangement. I posted to these groups and wrote in private correspondence almost daily for nearly three years.

The cycle of writing/healing, and healing/writing, aided me again when, after fourteen years of estrangement, my brother contacted me and we all began the process of family reconciliation. I am positive that I would not have been healed enough to explore the possibility of reuniting with my family without the support of my fellow estrangees, the sharing of experiences, and the opportunity to heal through the written word.

Emotionally, writing Heal and Forgive II took a lot out of me, but I wrote with the hope that I could help others; return the support that has been given to me; offer a blueprint for the possibility of healing from family violence, and perhaps even that which I always thought was impossible - forgiveness, and reconciliation.

Sharing my story has felt very vulnerable. Although writing has undoubtedly been healing for me, the real reward has been in having the opportunity to turn my negative experiences into a positive by advocating for other survivors. The feedback I receive "fills my tank." Offering hope, empathy, and validation to others is not only helpful to them, but soothes me as well, as we connect in our mutual humanity.....

On Child Abuse, Family Estrangement, and on Writing for Ourselves and for Others - Part Two

2008-12-07T11:49:00.000-08:00

As my healing journey progressed, I soaked up information like a sponge; received a great deal of validation from others; expressed my anger; mourned my losses, and then, a confusing thing happened; I started to feel a glimmer of forgiveness. "No! I resisted, "That can't be!"

After militantly standing in the healing freedom of non-forgiveness for four years, this did not seem like a good thing. I didn't want to give up my safety. In my confusion, I abandoned my quest for publication.

Another four years passed before a friend asked me what happened to my manuscript. I told him that I had abandoned it because I was in a different emotional place. He said, "Why don't you continue anyway? I'm sure there are many people who are in the place you were and would benefit from your sharing the growth you experienced during your period of non-forgiveness. "

His words haunted me for months before I began to write again. I was in a quandary. How could I write a book titled Mother, I Don't Forgive You, if I was beginning to forgive? I didn't want to be disingenuous or to be one of those annoying people waving the forgiveness flag. I understood the pain of premature forgiveness all too well.

I felt deeply compelled to share with other survivors in order to spare them the delayed healing that I had suffered during all my wrong turns, detours and dead ends. Somehow, I wanted to write in a fashion that truly honored the experience when it was important NOT to forgive and still honor the place my journey was taking me. In other words, the entire process.

Of course, once again, writing helped me heal, and gave me greater clarity about my entire healing and forgiveness journey. This clarity helped me express myself in an authentic fashion.......

On Child Abuse, Family Estrangement, and on Writing for Ourselves and for Others - Part One

2008-11-30T20:17:00.000-08:00

Writing has been an important part of my recovery. Both in terms of clarifying my own experiences and in validating the process for others.

I was born in 1957, in an era unlike today, when the subject of family violence was not discussed. I was in my early twenties before I even heard the phrase "child abuse." While I was growing up, I didn't know that there was a term for what was happening to me. There was no internet; the media didn't tell stories of abuse, and society at large held the "goings on" within any nuclear family as "none of our business."

As a child, and as a young adult, my pleas for help were met with silence, blame, or the typical "get over it" advice. For many years, the wall of silence I faced succeeded at keeping me compliant.

The door to recovery began to open when at thirty-five, I entered therapy and I found a few close confidants who were willing to bear witness to my pain. I will be forever grateful!

And still, my recovery was largely solitary. After suffering through decades with the old adage, "forgive, forget, and get over it," I knew there had to be a better way. I read survivor stories. There were very few back then, but for the first time, the validation I received from these stories offered a soothing balm to my injured soul. I was not alone!

In time, I needed more than mutual commiseration. I wanted tips from survivors on how to heal; time to heal, and mostly, I longed for self-preservation, and for permission NOT to forgive.

I became frustrated with the small availability of survivor stories during the eighties. The books I found were either the "This is what happened to me," variety without any blueprint for hope and healing, or the "Celebrity" sort of books that irritated me with, "I was abused, but I have forgiven, and now I have a great life," without showing concrete or realistic reasons/methods for forgiveness or the healing process in between.

After decades of abuse and finally the heartbreaking estrangement from my entire family, I decided to research and write the book I was looking for. A book based on the premise that forgiveness can be premature and wasn't necessary in order to heal. In fact, at that point in my recovery, trying to forgive had actually caused me a great deal of psychological damage.

I spent weeks at the library looking for books and articles to support my contention that forgiveness wasn't necessary. There were "slim pickins" back then, but I did find some material. The small dose of validation I received that it was okay not to forgive, gave me a huge sense of relief! It also afforded me the freedom necessary to focus solely on myself and what I needed in order to heal. It was liberating to say the least.

I had no idea where the writing of this book would take me. My first draft was titled, Mother, I Don't Forgive You: A Necessary Alternative for Healing. I still like that title; it speaks to an important part of my journey.

I encourage others to write. Writing helped me heal and healing helped me write. I wrote nearly non-stop for about four years, the last two of which I simultaneously sought publication. At first, I purged myself of a whopping 500 typewritten pages that read more like the diary of a mad woman than anything else. Yet, that first draft helped me process my recovery with greater clarity. This clarity, in turn helped me write more succinctly, which subsequently helped me understand my recovery better and so on. This process helped me refine the text down to about 100 pages that were more powerfully written.

While researching my book, I read some wonderful titles, including, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, by Susan Forward, Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted, by Beverly Engels, and Breaking Down the Wall of Silence: The Liberating Experience of Facing Painful Truth, by Alice Miller.

These books aided me in my recovery a great deal. Yet, they didn't offer me the complete process I was looking for from a survivors perspective.........

As the Holidays Approach.......

2008-11-23T12:48:00.000-08:00

...So too, does the stress of the season. When dealing with family estrangement, the holidays seem to illuminate our losses.

I recall the pain I felt as I watched other families gather together in what appeared to be loving harmony, or at least a sense of belonging. I felt ripped off! Throughout the first years of my family estrangement, I suffered through the holidays, and other significant events nursing my wounds, while I tried to cope with my feelings of exclusion and rejection.

After a few years of allowing myself the space to mourn my losses, I filled my holidays by honoring new connections.

If you are recently estranged, take heart that the pain of estrangement and that of dealing with the holidays does lessen with time. Mourning is a necessary part of the process. When we are done mourning the old, we make room for the new.

The following is a reprint of one of my very first posts:

Holiday Stress

The pain of family estrangement is often heightened during the holiday season. I clearly remember the anguish I experienced during the initial stages of my fourteen-year estrangement from my entire family of origin. The abrupt loss of my mother, three brothers, and grandparents - months before the holidays - left me paralyzed. The prospect of spending the holidays alone - without any family, or life-long traditions - seemed daunting. What would I do with my two young children? My therapist stated matter-of-factly, "You will create new holiday traditions."

This simple statement seemed like an impossible task.

The first year, I did nothing. I wrongly assumed someone would come to my rescue and invite my daughters and me for the holidays. The next year, I took matters into my own hands, and invited another family we had know for years, for Thanksgiving and Christmas day. They were happy to accept our invitation, because they didn't have any family in the area. This began an annual tradition that provided my children with a new "family of choice."

Granted, the first few years were still difficult. I continued to mourn for my family rather than to appreciate the people right in front of me; however, in time, I realized that I had built new traditions that were far more fun and loving than the old. I made sure my kids anticipated the same holiday activities each year - cookies, music, decorating, planning a menu, and performing community service. Community involvement gave us the sense of being a part of something bigger than we are.

Today, I look forward to the holidays with great excitement and we all look back over the years with warmth, and laughter, reminiscing about prior holidays and the fun we have had together.

My mother's sister is the only family member from whom I was not estranged. The second year of my estrangement, she began including my children and me in her annual Christmas Eve celebration, and has for every year since. I will be forever grateful for her love, support, and our shared history.

My circumstances taught me to appreciate the loving people who are in my life, and not to take my blessings for granted. I've learned through this experience not only to reflect on that for which I am grateful, but to express my words of appreciation to those who have enriched my life.

The Holidays can be the best - or worst time of year.

Wishing everyone peace, love, and the sharing of old, and new traditions!

Grandparents

2008-11-17T19:56:00.000-08:00

Since there are many different reasons for estrangement, I feel conflicted about the issue of grandparents. Depending upon our situation - whether it's a grandchild missing a grandparent, a parent withholding their children, or a grandparent longing for a grandchild - the broken relationship pose's heartbreak.

In my own situation, my mother never showed any interest in my children; before, or after our estrangement. Although, even if she had, I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving them alone with her. When my daughters were little, this caused me a great deal of anguish. Since my father died when I was young, I mourned that my children would never know what it is like to have a loving grandparent.

I had such fond memories of my own grandmother that I was sad that my children would miss experiencing this important human relationship. However, my children did spend time with my grandmother. So much so that they thought she was their grandmother. This made it all the more difficult when my grandmother, whom we loved dearly, cut us out of her life for good. I couldn't understand how a loving grandmother could reject her grandchild and great-grandchildren.

In other words, I come from the perspective of longing for the grandparent relationship for myself and for my daughters, while my mother and grandmother did not want a relationship with their grandchildren.

I also understand when, in cases of abuse, a parent does not allow their children to see their grandparents. Many adult children are clear - certainly those who have experienced sexual abuse - that they don't want their own children left unattended with their parents. Yet, they often find themselves legally or emotionally embattled with their parents over visitation with their children.

Other families walk the fine line between wanting their children to receive the good their families have to offer, while guarding against harmful circumstances. Unfortunately, many of these families often find their children "in the middle." receiving confusing messages from both sides as to who was right, who was wrong and who is to blame for the estrangement.

And then there are grandparents who have been cut out of their children's and grandchildren's lives and they don't know why. They mourn for their children, the grandchildren they love, and the grandchildren they will never meet; precious time, never to be replaced. My heart breaks for these individuals as well. Although I haven't had this experience, I feel a shared empathy through the universal loss that comes with estrangement.

I've heard of many different circumstances causing a family cut off: intolerance, sexuality, choice of mate, In-laws, family dysfunction, abuse, etc. Usually, the cause of the rift has been building for years without adequate communication. Then, a single event "appears" to have caused the rift.

No matter which way you cut it - estrangements are painful stuff!

Book Give-Away - Closed

2008-11-17T19:42:00.000-08:00

The Book Give-Away is now closed.

To those receiving copies, thank you for your interest and for sharing some of your stories with me!

I hope that you find Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation helpful on your journey!

Warm wishes,
Nancy

Book Give-Away

2008-11-15T10:24:00.000-08:00

I wrote Heal and Forgive II for many of the same reasons I wrote Heal and Forgive. I sought to turn my negative experience into a positive by advocating for other individuals in similar circumstances. In that vein, I would like to give away 10 free copies of Heal and Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation, to the first 10 people who contact me.

You can reach me through the e-mail address on my profile page.

All my best,
Nancy

Birthday Gifts?

2008-10-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

When it comes to family estrangement, people often wonder if they should send birthday gifts to their nieces, nephews, and/or grandchildren. We want to let our little loved ones know that we love them and that we are thinking about them. Yet, we wonder: Will their parents give the children these gifts? Will their parents become angry and lash out at me? Will I feel hurt at the outcome if I send this gift?

Sometimes, parents pass along gifts from estranged aunts, uncles, or grandparents. They may believe that their children would be comforted knowing that an estranged family member still loves them and thinks about them.

Other times, parents withhold the gifts. Sometimes, parents refuse gifts out of anger. This of course is very sad for everyone involved. Another reason parents withhold gifts is that they don't want to send their children confusing messages about the broken relationship or enter into a who is "right" and who is "wrong" discussion. They may not want to make their child sad or answer uncomfortable questions about why they don't see their aunt, uncle, or grandparent. Ultimately, it is up to the parent to decide what is in the best interest of their children.

I sent gifts to my nieces and nephews in the early years of my estrangement, knowing that they may very well never receive the gifts (they did not). Yet, I wanted my nieces and nephews to know that I loved them - even if from afar. I have found that the pain of estrangement can often give way to the power of living a life of love and integrity.

Enmeshment

2008-10-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

According to sfhelp.org, the definition of enmeshment is:

In human relationships, this term means two or more people who don't have clear identities and boundaries (limits) that separate one person from the other. Thus an enmeshed person can't distinguish the difference between my needs, feelings, opinions, and priorities and yours.

Enmeshment was certainly present in my family of origin. Abusive families have a way of creating enmeshed family systems. It took years apart from my mother and a degree of healing that I never thought was possible in order to break free from my enmeshment.

I often hear from estranged adult children, "My parents aren't capable of thinking about anyone but themselves. Why would I want a relationship under those circumstances?"

I get that. For many years, I felt that way too. Reconciling a relationship seemed like a return to my enmeshed (and abusive) family system.

For me, it took more than a decade of estrangement to heal enough to stand as a separate adult individual with a healthy indifference towards my mother's opinions, and needs; to protect my own well-being; to exercise great boundaries; to accept my mother just as she is; to give up any expectations of a normal mother-daughter sort of relationship, and to create a non-intimate friendship that is respectful of our differences. We simply share a history, and to me history is important.

After nearly two years of reconciliation, my mother and I are yet to know one another. She has never inquired about my life, such as how I spend my time, my interests, work, etc. and that is okay with me. I recognize that she is not my "safe place to fall," or someone with whom I can share anything of significance. We merely talk about old memories, current events, or her life.

My life hasn't really changed much from when we were estranged, but it feels better. I can move freely to and from family and social events without the negative strain of "being at odds, " or feeling rejected. I know my mother's inability to mother is about her - not about me.

I've made peace with the wounds of the past. I have "blasted through my mountain of pain" so that my abuse is a memory rather than a present reality. I no longer feel the "void" of estrangement or "lost" without a home.

Home is finally of my own making.

Reconciliation – Not Always an Option

2008-10-10T04:55:00.000-07:00

During most of my fourteen year family estrangement, I considered reconciliation to be an impossible task. Given our family history of abuse, it didn't feel safe or healthy to try to reestablish contact with my family members. Nor did they try to contact me.

Certainly, in some situations, reconciliation isn’t possible. I know a woman who moved across the country, unlisted her phone number and started life anew only to have her violent family members track her down, stalk her, and interfere with her new job, friends and neighbors.

I have heard from other people who deeply desire a relationship with a parent or sibling, but they simply cannot put themselves in harms way for the sake of a connection. As painful as estrangement is, these individuals must somehow learn to live with a separation that feels like the “lesser of two evils.”

Many people do wish to reconcile with family members only to face repeated rejection.

It can be hard to accept that we only have control over our half of the relationship. At some point, the time comes to simply accept the cards we were dealt and move on to live the best life possible.

Forgiveness Poll

2008-10-03T06:25:00.000-07:00

Once again, I want to thank everyone who has participated in my poll! I loved receiving your feedback.

Unfortunately, there appears to be a glitch in the poll software. Blogger issues??? I checked blogger for poll bugs, but I didn't find any results. Anyhow, the votes keep falling off and disappearing.

Since the poll no longer seems to be working properly, I decided to post the last known results I had and take down the poll. Thanks to all who joined in!

As I’ve said before, during the span of the last thirty years – given where I was on my recovery at the time - I could have voted for seven out of the eleven choices here.

These are the results:
How much has forgiveness played a role in your recovery from abuse:

None 3 (6%)

Somewhat – Plays a small roll in my process. 1 (2%)

Somewhat - I don’t want to forgive and I’m okay with that. 4 (8%)

Somewhat – Forgiveness is a journey and I’m comfortable with my pace. 11 (22%)

Quite a bit – I’d like to forgive, but I am unable. 4 (8%)

Quite a bit – I won’t forgive unless some conditions are met. 3 (6%)

Quite a bit – I have forgiven. 6 (12%)

Huge - I’ll never forgive. 1 (2%)

Huge – Makes me angry. I feel damaged by pressure from others to forgive. 9 (18%)

Huge – My abuser acknowledged my injuries, asked for forgiveness and I have forgiven. 6 (12%)

None of the above. 3 (6%)

Survivor's Manifesto

2008-09-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

April_optimist at The Thriver's Toolbox submitted A Survivor's Manifesto to The Blog Carnival Against Abuse that I'd like to share here.

I believe that many survivors of trauma and abuse will feel empowered by her post.

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2008-09-22T16:39:00.000-07:00

Yay! The Carnival is back over at Survivor’s Can Thrive with a great collection of posts from the survivor community.

Kudos to Marj for her perseverance.

Confronting an Abuser

2008-09-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

Confronting an abuser can be very frightening.

Prior to our estrangement, I confronted my mother about the violence in our family numerous times. During my first attempts, I hadn’t healed enough to be clear about my needs. Nor was I sufficiently prepared to set and maintain appropriate boundaries. Each time I approached my mother, I stood before her still feeling like a damaged child, hoping she was willing to change our family dynamic. She was not.

Later, after preparing and rehearsing with my therapist, I learned to confront my mother without the false hopes that she would suddenly “see the light,” apologize and change. Instead, I prepared for her to deny, blame me, become angry, and tell me that I was crazy.

Yet, it was important for me to "stand in the truth" and a) Calmly tell her what she had done to harm me. b) Express feeling unloved, frightened and alone as a result of the abuse. c) Explain how her betrayal affected my ability to trust and the long-term effects I suffered as an adult, and d) What I expected from her with respect to my minor brother’s safety and that of my own children. I did all this in the most loving tone possible. I prepared at length to make sure I didn’t behave in a passive-aggressive or threatening way, nor would I defend or engage in any argument.

Although she did react with anger, name calling and blame, I felt empowered in that I took control of my own life and I moved from victim to survivor. It was a “cleansing” experience.

My mother was appalled that I calmly “gave voice to the truth.” Her attempts to maintain status quo and to keep me in the victim role gave me the courage to place my own well-being first and to end our relationship. From there my authentic healing process began.

When confronting an abuser, I think it is important to be prepared for the possibility that they may end the relationship, or that you may determine that it is time to end a relationship that does not allow for your emotional health.

It is important to prepare and rehearse all the possibilities to bolster your confidence and to make sure you are strong enough to handle being “challenged” by your abuser. Practice role playing with a therapist and/or a supportive friend. Make sure you have support every step of the way.

If your relationship has been particularly violent and you are afraid to meet in person, many people write letters. Sometimes the letters are to try to maintain a relationship, and sometimes they are to cleanse yourself of the past and move on.

After my mother and I became estranged I wrote her a letter to get everything “off my chest” and feel “heard” in absentia. It wasn’t a letter I ever intended to send. It was about me, not a desired response from my mom. Once written, I read it myself and ceremoniously burned it.

Confrontation isn’t for everyone. Don’t feel pressured to confront if you haven’t healed enough to take this step; if you don’t have adequate support, or if you don’t feel safe. Confrontation is a personal decision and isn’t a necessary step for everyone. Healing comes in many shapes and forms. Every individual should decide for themselves what it is that brings them the most peace.

Majority Rules

2008-09-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is difficult to see ourselves clearly. I read somewhere that the brain can diagnose a problem anywhere in its own body - except in itself!

Sometimes, other people can help give us perspective. A friend once told me, "If someone tells you that you're a horse and you are sure that you are not, dismiss their comment outright. If another person tells you that you're a horse, think about the possibility before you dismiss their words. But, if a third person tells you that you're a horse - start eating hay!"

When it comes to many relationship issues, I believe this is sound advice. For instance, many people had to tell me that I lacked patience before I believed them.

Often, the old adage, "Majority Rules," is true.

However, there are exceptions to every rule. When it comes to abuse and family estrangement, there is a flaw in the typical majority rules theory. Family systems are living, breathing organisms much like the individual brain. They can't diagnose themselves. They often cling to the only thing they know - years of embedded patterns of abuse, enmeshment, and/or control.

Often, when someone tries to break a dysfunctional family pattern, they are in the minority. The rest of the family clings to "status quo" and expresses, "Look, we all agree. There is something wrong with you." Outsiders quickly concur. Majority rules.

I was in the minority in my family - often a painful place to be. But, sometimes, the frustration of living in minority gives way to the healing power of constructing a life free from abuse!

Reconciliation - Starting Fresh

2008-09-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

Often, re-establishing relationships with family members can appear to be an impossible task. Yet, sometimes people are surprised when the road to healing leads to new beginnings.

Most people I’m acquainted with who have successfully mended an estrangement, didn’t go back and re-hash specific events from the past. For this reason healing prior wounds on your own is very important.

If you believe the time may be right to reconcile – move slowly. Understand that the process of healing broken relationships does not happen overnight. Resolution can take months and even years. Take baby steps while you begin to build trust – both in yourself and with your relatives. It is much easier to move forward slowly than it is to try to pull back if you have moved too fast.

Balance your hope with realistic expectations. Reconciliation doesn't mean the relationship will be perfect. Hopefully, with growth, you will have developed new ways to respond to old patterns.

Start out accentuating the positive. Find common ground. Reminisce about good memories, share mutual interests, and express positive feelings.

If you have been estranged from your entire family, rather than “jumping” right back in and seeing all of them at once, you may want to consider staggering separate visits.

At first, keep your time short and don’t discuss difficult issues that come up with your family until you have had time to work through intense emotions alone or with supportive friends. Spend time in between visits adjusting to and absorbing the many positive and negative conflicting emotions you will experience by sharing with trusted confidants: a therapist, a minister, friends, and/or support groups.

Expect to navigate some slippery slopes and develop ways to help you cope with new situations. You may want to limit the length of your visits at first and insulate yourself by not spending one-on-one time with a family member if you don’t feel safe.

After attempting reconciliation, you may be satisfied with the results and you may not. You can only control your half of the relationship.

Dear Mr. Jesus

2008-09-01T10:42:00.000-07:00

Although this video has been around for many years, every time I watch it - it brings tears to my eyes. "Dear Mr. Jesus" has touched the hearts of millions of survivors and children's advocates alike. If you haven't seen it yet, I hope it touches you too:

For more information about this video, visit: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=766044109

Dear Mr Jesus

Forgiveness and Boundaries

2008-08-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

For many abuse survivors, the traditional forgiveness advice doesn’t ring true. Most often people tell us that our anger, hate and resentment are harming us. For me, this focus misses the mark. For it is not hate and resentment that holds many survivors back; it is fear.

Boundaries issues are common in abusive family systems. When a child’s body, heart, and soul are routinely violated, their life is constructed in the absence of boundaries.

One of the reasons forgiveness was so frightening for me, is that it felt like I would be leaving myself wide open to injury. Forgiveness was premature until I had healed enough to protect myself from further harm.

Forgiveness and boundaries must go hand in hand.

My Old, “New” Family Tradition

2008-08-18T17:36:00.000-07:00

Sixteen years ago, when I became estranged from my entire family of origin, the prospect of starting over, all alone without any family seemed very daunting.

Just as with mourning any physical death, the emotional deaths I experienced cut off from my family were overwhelming; first family vacations, birthdays, holidays – all the events that suddenly vanished with no connection to my history.

Prior to estrangement, my children had spent their weekends and summer vacations at our “family” vacation home on the lake, just as I had as a child, and as my father had before me. I was Ill- equipped to deal with the enormity of this loss in tandem with the loss of my family. We needed a new traditional get-away that would become special to my children and me. We chose the San Juan Islands as an annual destination and began building new memories before we even had a chance to mourn the old.

For the first few years, I just went through the motions of doing something new. My heart was not in the task before me, nor with the new environment surrounding me. A number of years passed before I realized that we had developed a new tradition that was less stressful than my prior experience. Although I never stopped mourning the lake, our vacations became a time of fun and excitement.

For the past 14 years, my daughters and I have reminisced about our prior summers on the island while we continue to create new memories. We look forward to the same traditional activities, good food, exercise, enjoying one another’s company, and teasing each other with the same “inside” family vacation jokes.

We leave tomorrow for our fifteenth annual “new” family tradition. Be back next week!

Triggers

2008-08-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, while reading, playing with my kids, working, laughing with a friend, or talking with my guy, a sudden gesture, word, memory, or even a smell transported me back to a frightening time. I found myself stuck between two worlds; the one I inhabited as a child – which at least for the moment inhabited me – and the present. At that instant, it was difficult to discern which one was real.

As I surf many survivor blogs, I am struck by the number of times I read the word **triggers**. In fact, the trigger warning seems to be rather common place today. Sadly, common means many.

It’s good to know that we are not alone; it is sad to know that so many have endured similar pain.

It’s good to see so many breaking their silence and healing; it’s sad to see that so many need to heal.

It’s good to know my experience doesn’t separate me from humanity like I thought for so long, but rather connects me to humanity in so many ways.

After suffering from terrifying triggers for decades, I can’t remember the last time I felt triggered. I do still have memories, but they feel in the past rather than the present. Sometimes, I get sad and mourn for the little girl of long ago. I feel compassion for myself and empathy for others. And sometimes, I even get angry. But, for the first time in my life, I feel safe.

There is hope!

Analogies

2008-08-09T23:18:00.000-07:00

I like analogies. Often during my healing process, analogies have helped me wrap my head around concepts by making them clearer. Yesterday, I heard Dr. Robin Smith use an analogy on Oprah and Friends radio that I found interesting. Her analogy was called “Taking an air-conditioner into hell.”

She said that we all find ourselves in circumstances that are slowly killing us either, physically, emotionally, or spiritually and we stay in hell while we try to mitigate the damage in order to endure our situation. She said this was like, “Taking an air-conditioner into hell, rather than leaving hell and beginning to heal.”

Prior to adequate healing and understanding my patterns of behavior, a number of stressful or damaging relationships affected my life. These failures manifested themselves from my old programming – misplaced trust and inappropriate responses. I responded to feelings of betrayal out of fear, focusing on the other individual rather than resolutely safeguarding my own well-being.

Some of these relationships were so toxic that I needed to move on. For others, it was a matter of learning to exercise clear, respectful boundaries in order to leave my own personal hell behind and let the healing begin.

Who Wants to be the Bad Guy?

2008-08-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

The answer is – Nobody!

This certainly holds true for family estrangement.

I can’t count on my fingers the number of times I’ve heard estrangee’s say that family member(s) refused to see them and then those same estrangers were maneuvering to make it look as if the family estrangement was the estrangee’s fault.

They questioned how to respond so they didn’t come off as the bad guy to extended family members and friends.

The truth is – when you are on the “other” side of any family estrangement – you are perceived to be the bad guy; it is the nature of estrangement. So, make decisions that are best for you, rather than trying to attain an unattainable outcome.

Our experiences are OUR experiences and quite often they do not align with those of our "loved ones.” Regardless of how other people view our circumstances, we need to stand firmly and confidently in our own truth and make choices for ourselves accordingly.

I haven't met anyone yet (including myself) who has said, "I am estranged from so and so, and it is all MY fault." We tend to say, "I am estranged and it is THEIR fault; listen to what happened - this is my experience."

Currently, after moving through the reconciliation process with my mother, I have a new vantage point. She has her experience and I have mine. They are quite different; yet, to me it doesn't matter.

Sixteen years ago, I estranged myself from my mother. I don't regret my decision to estrange. As painful as it was - it afforded me the opportunity to heal from my abuse and find some peace in my life.

In the beginning of our estrangement, I looked at our conflicts and considered myself right. I needed to do this to build a foundation for healing - to honor the depth of my injuries, to release my anger and to mourn my losses. It was the first layer of a necessary process.

Later, I understood that we were both "right" about our own experiences. Even though I could "hold" both of our experiences I still kept proper boundaries and didn't see her because I didn't feel safe. It was a major step for me to be able to have compassion for her without acting on that compassion vs. only seeing my side.

It seems clear that everyone has a right to protect themselves from severe abuse. My experience was that the estrangement was necessary for my very survival. At some point during our estrangement, I realized that whether I liked it or not, Mom and I had different experiences. Mom's experience was that I kept causing turmoil in her life by "complaining" about the abuse in the family. As skewed as this may seem to me, I do agree that this WAS her experience. My complaints DID cause turmoil in her life.

During our estrangement, I sought and received validation from others that it wasn't okay to abuse me. And Mom sought and received validation from others that I was a trouble-maker and shouldn't have cut her out of my life for any reason.

Nobody wants to feel like the bad guy. Finding the balance between confidence and compassion comes from within.

Why?

2008-07-31T13:09:00.000-07:00

Like many survivors, once I moved passed my denial and accepted the reality of my abuse, I questioned: “Why?”

“Why was/is my mother so cruel to me?”

“How could my own mother _______(reject, betray, torture, abandon) me?”

I think it is human to question why. We long to make sense of it all. As if the answers will magically give us a handle on what happened.

In time, I realized that my questions were fruitless and that they kept me stuck in an unhealthy emotional place. The important thing was to move forward with my own healing, and so I did.

Yet, people continued to ask me, “What was your mother’s childhood like? What happened to her that caused her reactions to life and to you?”

I do appreciate why they asked me this question. They wanted some relief from their discomfort.

I understand wanting some relief. I remember watching the move “Sybil” many years ago. I was horrified for Sybil throughout the movie and kept asking myself, “How could a mother do such things?”

Finally, towards the end of the movie, it was divulged that Sybil’s mother was schizophrenic. I felt a sense of “relief” when I heard this, because the diagnosis offered an “explanation.” Surely, no “normal” mother would “mutilate” her daughter’s internal reproductive organs with a knife.

I “walked” away from the movie less disturbed, and that really horrified me!!!

The diagnosis didn’t change Sybil’s trauma, or experiences; it didn’t serve to lesson the impact on her life. I felt ashamed that I let her mother’s diagnosis mollify me.

In my books, I deliberately avoided any theoretical discussion as to the root causes of my abuse. I know this leaves the reader more “disturbed” about the abuse, but it more closely aligns with the survivor’s experience. As children, we did not have the benefit of understanding “root causes,” or our parent’s history. We didn’t know we were taking on our parents issues. For instance, all I knew was that my mother told me I was “bad,” and I believed her.

As children, we didn’t get the relief so many people want when they hear our stories. In my opinion, we should feel disturbed when we see, hear, or read about abuse, rather than mollified.

It is my hope the day will come we when are able to take the emphasis off of the perpetrator and our own discomfort in order to “share the burden of pain” with the victim/survivor and make an effective shift in our collective humanity.

Weddings and Funerals

2008-07-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

People experiencing family estrangements often agonize over what to do about weddings and funerals. To go, or not to go? Often, neither option feels good.

The answer is different for everyone depending on the circumstances and whichever decision brings us the most peace.

During my fourteen year family estrangement, I had to deal with this issue a number of times. The most difficult was my grandmother’s funeral six years into our estrangement. Although I loved her deeply, I simply did not feel safe enough to attend. Grandma had refused to see me right up until her death. At that point in my abuse recovery, I still wasn’t capable of facing what I believed would be a continued wall of angry abuse, blame, and rejection. The soul-crushing isolation caused by not attending her service left me devastated. I stayed home and cried all day. Yet, I never regretted my decision.

Two years later, I found an invitation to my brother Brandon’s wedding in my mailbox. Recalling the angry words he wrote to me in a letter eight years earlier gave me pause. Nonetheless, I regarded his invitation at face value, even though I didn’t feel safe enough to attend the wedding.

I immediately sent Brandon and his fiancé a gift along with a letter revealing how honored I was to be invited to their wedding. I told him that I regarded the invitation as a wonderful gesture of love, wished Brandon and his bride-to-be every happiness, and expressed my desire to meet with them after the wedding.

Fourteen years into our family estrangement, I did attend a family funeral. It was important to me to go. I wanted to say good-bye to my cousin and to honor what was a good part of my family history. Although the thought of facing my family felt very challenging, I believed I had healed enough to face the challenge. I am so glad I went.

My gentleman friend went with me for support. We arrived just in time for the service, sat towards the back, and felt touched by the sweet and faithful service.

After the service, we mingled a little to say "hello" to some of my extended relatives, and left. I was prepared to be cordial and go about my way if I had unavoidable contact with my mother or brothers; however, I didn't have any contact with them, nor did they attempt to have any contact with me.

Overall, it was an emotional day, but it couldn't have gone better.

Each of these situations presented their own set of challenges. Nonetheless, to this day, I am satisfied that I did the right thing for me at each point in my estrangement and recovery.

The Underlying Gift in my Estrangement

2008-07-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

When we hurt, sometimes it is difficult to see anything other than our pain. For me, estrangement seemed like drawing the “short stick" - a matter of survival - but not emotional prosperity.

After the loss of my childhood to physical and emotional abuse, I was determined to construct a healthy life for my daughters and me.

As painful as my estrangement was, I used the time to grow in ways that would not have been possible while having a relationship with my family members. My greatest emotional growth occurred as a result of my separation from my mother. Our parting was essential for me to have the time to heal in an environment free from re-injury. It forced me to develop my own sense of self, separate from my family and shook me free from my denial. Estrangement gave me the space necessary to learn to set boundaries within the safety of a protective cocoon.

Of course, during the bulk of the time I was cut off from my family, I saw only the down side of estrangement – feeling rejected and disconnected. I wanted to heal from my abuse, be safe, and have relationships with my family. It wasn’t until after we reconciled that I saw the underlying gift in our estrangement. I am who I am today as a result of all the hard work, self-nurturing, and support I received from other individuals in my life that would not have been possible if I remained “enmeshed” in an unhealthy family dynamic.

Lion Love

2008-07-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is something completely different than I usually post, but I can’t get this video out of my mind.

I’ve spent some time wondering why I am so “taken” with this video. Maybe it is because it reminds me of the missing bond I had with my father. Or, maybe it is because I’m fascinated that love expressed authentically can transcend species, whereas so many families are estranged.

Or, maybe it is because the video stands alone as profoundly heartwarming. Whatever the reason, check it out:

And if you enjoyed the video you can read the back story here:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-452820/Christian-lion-lived-London-liv\
ing-room.html

"Get over it" vs. "Go through it"

2008-07-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

When it comes to the pain of abuse and estrangement, we are often encouraged to just “Get over it.” Survivors often share with me how painful it is to reach out for help only to hear, “Get over it.” It occurred to me that when we place the phrase “Get over it” along side “Go through it,” “Get over it,” seems rather silly.

A few nights ago I had a strange dream. I saw two people tackling mountains in completely different ways. Of course, the physical mountains were symbolic of mountains of pain. One person was trying to “get over” the mountain on a bike. She was all alone, and working very hard. When she did finally reach the other side, she noticed that no matter how hard she tried to move on, she was always aware of the mountain. She did “get over it,” but it was still there in its original form. In the ensuing months and years, no matter how much she relished in conquering that mountain, she kept the secret that she was drawn back to take the difficult and lonely ride “over” the peak once more.

The other person decided to “blast” through the mountain. She too worked very hard. In fact harder than the person who biked over the mountain. However, she was not alone. She had a whole crew of supportive people on her team. Although the blasting was much harder and took years longer, she felt satisfied, because as she chipped away at that mountain, it began to disappear. Each part of the mountain became a “memory” rather than a present reality. Sometimes the work was so hard that she wished she would have just gone over it, but as she came closer and closer to the “other side,” she realized that the only way through the mountain – is through it!

Compassion

2008-07-08T12:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, a survivor friend shared with me how she continues to allow her mother to mistreat her. She said that her downfall was her compassion. She keeps getting drawn back into the crazy-making because she has compassion for her mother.

Boundary issues are common in abusive family systems. Abuse victims and survivors are often programmed to empathize with those who harm us. Other individuals also insist that we should have compassion for an offender in an effort to resolve conflict.

There was a time in my young life when I too had a great deal of compassion for my mother. Whenever I acted on my compassion, I seemed to be giving her permission to hurt me again.

I failed to realize that having compassion for another person is not a license to allow mistreatment. Compassion should go hand in hand with clear, respectful boundaries. Feeling compassion didn’t mean that I had to act on compassion and put myself in harms way.

As a young adult, when I risked sharing the trauma of my childhood, my chosen confidant often ignored my words by simply insisting that I should have compassion for my mother. This response made me very angry because my previous attempts at acting on my compassion failed to heal our relationship and only served to allow myself to be hurt again.

I didn’t experience the compassion of a loving mother growing up, nor did I learn self-compassion. I needed to experience some compassion. Placing conditions on the victim and not on the offender seemed very damaging.

Just as with premature forgiveness – compassion can be premature. The sort of
assistance I needed from others was to just "hold" my experience, listen to me, validate me, and have compassion for me without placing any conditions on me.

Until I was able to focus solely on my own healing, on becoming self-compassionate, and on learning to protect myself, compassion for my mother had to wait.

Fourth of July

2008-07-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

Independence day! A day we celebrate our freedom, with family picnics, fireworks, games, food, BBQ’s, and parades. A day off of work! And a day for many that is packed with all kinds of fun…

…However, for some, the 4th of July is another solitary day of mourning.

The pain of family estrangement is often heightened during any holiday.

When faced with my first holiday alone – disconnected from my lifelong family traditions – my therapist stated matter-of-factly, "You will create new holiday traditions."

Easier said than done. Throughout the first years of my family estrangement, I suffered through birthdays, holidays, and other significant events nursing my wounds while I tried to cope with my feelings of exclusion and rejection.

However, my therapist was right. In time, I did create new holiday traditions that were far more fun and loving than the old.

If you are recently estranged, take heart that the pain of estrangement and that of dealing with the holidays does lessen with time. Mourning is a necessary part of the process. When we are done mourning the old, we make room for the new.

Happy Fourth of July!

Spiritual Healing

2008-06-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb.

Psalm 139:13

I have had to performed a great deal of difficult emotional work in order to heal from my abuse. Indeed, the psychological aspects of recovery are paramount.

Therapy ultimately brightened the recess of my mind, while my spiritual commitment brightened my heart and soul. My faith has carried me through some of the darkest moments of my life.

The first time I read Psalm 139:13, I felt like an innocent child, discovering something simple, yet wonderful, for the very first time – like my hands or like my feet. Before anyone was aware of my existence, God chose me as His child and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

This comforting verse brought healing tears to my eyes and restoration to my injured soul. Right from the beginning, I was loved; I was not alone.

Reconciliation – Recovery time

2008-06-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

Each time I had contact with one of my family members, I needed recovery time to absorb a wide range of conflicting emotions: sadness, joy, uncertainty, hope, sorrow, and issues of trust. Contrary to the old ways, of “powering” through each event, I remained present with my feelings, staying true to myself and let my well-being guide me.

At first my movements were slow and tentative. I kept my visits brief and didn’t discuss difficult issues that came up with my family until I had time to work through intense emotions alone or with supportive friends.

I took baby steps while I began to build trust – both in myself and with my family members.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear, does it make a sound?

2008-06-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

Listening. It seems so simple, but it is so hard to do. Listening is the ultimate gift that can be given to a wounded soul. As a child I longed to be seen and heard.

When I spoke about the woundedness of my heart, body, and emotions; nobody seemed to hear what I said. I was an invisible youngster. I grew up alone and in emotional poverty, without being seen by anyone. I didn’t have a voice; therefore, it seemed I had no value.

I learned as an adult that when our childhood pain is ignored, our trauma remains fused to us until someone frees us from our bondage by simply listening to our heartache. In other words, a listener tends to the wounds that have festered, unhealed for years.

When I finally found someone to just listen, without judging, blaming, arguing, or advising, the relief I felt was indescribable. At long last, I had the opportunity to “grow from there.”

Once I felt validated, I became unstuck from the point in time that my trauma became fused to me. After feeling heard, my sole focus shifted from that of being heard to that of healing from the offense.

If a child speaks of their abuse and nobody is there to hear, do they make a sound?

We often hear stories about courageous people who “break the silence.” I’m grateful to those who have the courage to “hear.”

Kaleidoscope of Emotion

2008-06-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from the first chapter of my new book: Heal & Forgive II: The Journey From Abuse and Estrangement to Reconciliation.

CHAPTER ONE

Kaleidoscope of Emotion

The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis."One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger - but recognize the opportunity. - John F. Kennedy, Speach in Indianapolis, April 12, 1959

On an ordinary morning in the autumn of 2006, fourteen years after I had last spoken to my mother, my receptionist buzzed my office. Jan interrupted my busy morning with the cautiously spoken words, “There is a woman on line two who says her name is Jean Richards.”

“Oh, oh,” I surmised out loud, “she must have read my book.”

I drew in a deep breath, preparing myself for the expected angry rant. I would merely convey to my mother my understanding for why she was upset, tell her that I loved her, and end the conversation with a gentle “good-bye.” Certain I was prepared for our exchange, I picked up the phone. I wasn’t prepared for what I heard next.

“Hi, Honey; this is Mom,” came the soft-spoken words that I thought I would never hear again.

Confusion quickly replaced my clear-headed mind. The apology she offered for my abuse, along with her love and a desire for reconciliation were directly opposite to everything I knew about my mother. I told her I was speechless and that I never anticipated she would call again. After sitting quietly for a few moments, I said, “No matter what happens between us, Mom, you have given me a wonderful and irreplaceable gift.”

We talked for a short while and exchanged contact information before concluding our conversation. I hung up and wept.

For the rest of the day, my body was in the state of shock. My thinking was clouded, my resting pulse hovered at around 120 beats per minute, and a dull headache grew with intensity. I grappled to make sense of something that made no sense in the world as I had known it. I couldn’t hold a clear thought as my feelings ran rampant. I experienced a kaleidoscope of emotions, wildly clashing in distorted colorful directions – shock…love…fear…relief…joy…sorrow…excitement...pain...calmness...stress... happiness…sadness….

I loved my mother and had long since forgiven her. Could this be true? Could Mom and I really have a relationship now? Ultimately, I stopped seeing her. Had she forgiven me too?

Translation Rights

2008-06-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

A Vietnamese publisher just contacted my publisher to negotiate Vietnamese foreign translation rights for Heal and Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse.

How fun is that!

Heal & Forgive II: The Journey from Abuse and Estangement to Reconciliation

2008-06-13T14:42:00.000-07:00

I am happy to announce that Heal and Forgive II is finally out!

This book would have never made it to print without the incredible help and support I received from a team of wonderful people.

I would like to thank Alice Peppler of Alice ‘n Ink, my publisher Paul Clemens of Blue Dolphin Publishing, Inc., Leona Idom, Chris Richards, Bill Petschl, Mary Morrison, Dawn McArthur, and Colin McArthur for their careful reading of the manuscript. I’m grateful for their editing, knowledge, support, input, expertise, helpful suggestions and in general just putting up with me.

I am grateful to the many men and women who have offered their support in my estrangement support groups. I am honored to have your encouragement on my journey. Your validation and feedback helped to give me the clarity necessary to put my experiences on paper.

I also want to thank those who wrote endorsements for this book: Rev. Dr. Marie M. Fortune, Founder and Senior Analyst of the Faith Trust Institute, Sister Renee Pittelli, Director of Luke 17:3 Ministries, and Leona Idom, a fellow survivor.

A special thanks to Mark Sichel, CSW author of Healing from Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace after Being Cut off from a Family Member, for his exceptional foreword to my book.

I hope this book is enormously helpful to many.

Warm regards,

Nancy

Reconciliation – Taking the Leap – Part Four

2008-06-09T09:56:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from Heal and Forgive II:

Just as with premature forgiveness, there are certainly dangers associated with premature reconciliation. Healing first is imperative for successful resolution. Many people feel external or internal pressure to reconcile too soon – thereby sabotaging all chances for success.

I’ve heard from people who feel desperate to reunite when a family member becomes ill, their parents age or out of guilt or pressure from others. We may be anxious for reconciliation out of a need to receive the nurturing we have always longed for, or to fill the void. No matter how much we desire reuniting with those from whom we are estranged, our family members may be unable or unwilling to have a relationship.

Unless we have healed enough to move past our anger, the time is not suitable for reconciliation. If we can’t trust ourselves enough to provide our own safety, we are not safe enough to see a parent who has abused us. Reuniting is not possible if we haven’t broken old patterns of behaving and responding. We need to be strong enough to maintain our own boundaries and separate identity, or we run the risk of causing further damage to our psyche.

Before I considered reconciliation, I had to ask myself – has there been emotional growth and change on both sides since last we spoke?

Reconciliation – Taking the Leap – Part Three

2008-06-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

A few days after my initial conversation with my brother Randy, my brother Brandon and I spoke. We made arraignments to meet at an outdoor dinner theater, for a performance of Annie. It was the first time I met his two kids.

There are many painful firsts when we become cut-off from our family members – first birthdays, holidays, successes, and tragedies – all dealt with alone. These same firsts can be bittersweet upon re-entry. Meeting my nephew and niece for the very first time touched my heart with smiles and tears – we had lost precious time, never to be replaced.

Chronic Illness and Abuse

2008-06-02T10:12:00.000-07:00

During the last several years, I have had the privilege of participating in an online community of survivors. We have shared one another’s stories in an effort to validate our experiences and support our continued healing.

A recurring topic seems to be the question of whether there is a connection between chronic illness and abuse. I have found it curious that a large number of women survivors have shared with me that they suffer from PCOS, (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) because I have PCOS also.

Many survivors seem to suffer from fibromyalgia, lupus, and IBS as well.

Whenever someone asks if I know of any research on the connection between chronic illness and abuse, I am frustrated that there seems to be a connection, but I haven’t come across any studies on the subject.

Another survivor contacted me recently. She has a new website called “Desire to Heal,” in which she is sharing the beginnings of her research on the connection between chronic illness and abuse.

Anyone interested in this topic, please visit her site and feel free to contact her with any feedback that would aid in building a network for survivors seeking answers to questions about chronic illness and abuse.

The Side of the Bed Closest to the Door

2008-06-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

I’ve moved a lot in my life. In fact, there was a time when my ex-husband’s employer moved us five times in five years.

At a certain point in my life, I noticed that with each move, I often ended up sleeping on the opposite side of the bed than before. I didn’t consistently choose the right side or the left side of the mattress. Every time I moved, I unconsciously chose the side of the bed closest to the door. I’ve instinctively positioned myself for a “quick get-away,” in the event of danger. I’m sure this is a primal survival impulse that is just a part of my “wiring.”

Many years ago, my old therapist told me that I would be “recovering” for the rest of my life. I didn’t believe him; at least I did not want to. At the time, his statement felt hopeless to me. I felt permanently broken. I was in so much pain that I couldn’t bear the thought of dealing with my anguish forever.

In the years since, I’ve spent a great deal of time learning to parent myself, to free myself of my family scapegoat mantle, and to come to terms with my anger, grief, and PTSD.

I have healed at a level that I never thought was possible. Although my abuse will always be a part of me, the majority of the time, my abuse no longer feels present, nor is it the lens through which I view my life.

Although I have greatly minimized the effects of my mistreatment, my therapist was right. I’ve reached a place that “recovering for the rest of my life” doesn’t feel “hopeless.” Instead I feel a loving acceptance towards the part of me who will probably always sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door.

Reconciliation – Taking the Leap – Part Two

2008-05-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

Trust is a big issue when deciding whether to attempt reconciliation. I certainly wrestled with whether or not I could trust my family members.

One day, I had an epiphany. I realized that it was more important to trust myself to respond appropriately to my family members, than it was to trust them. Placing my trust in myself, gave me more control over my life while I was learning whether or not I could trust my family. In other words, could I trust myself to maintain proper boundaries while I navigated the reconciliation process (see Setting Clear, Respectful, Boundaries)?

When I shared the beginnings of my reconciliation process with a few selected individuals, they worried that I would be hurt or mistreated. I assured them that although I didn’t yet trust my family members, I had healed enough to trust myself to safeguard my own well-being. One confidant validated my stance with a wonderful analogy. He said, “Oh, it’s kind of like a martial artist walking through a dangerous neighborhood. Even though danger is present, he knows he is safe because he can depend upon his own abilities.”

“Yeah, it’s like that,” I said with a smile.

Reconciliation – Taking the Leap – Part one

2008-05-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

Since I began this blog last December, I have posted numerous topics concerning healing from abuse, estrangement, and how forgiveness and premature forgiveness played a role in my process.

As some of you may know, after a fourteen year estrangement from my entire family of origin, we have reconciled.

As painful as my estrangement was, I used the time to grow in ways that would not have been possible while having relationships with my family members. My greatest emotional growth occurred as a result of my separation from my mother. Estrangement gave me the opportunity to heal from my abuse, to learn to set and maintain clear, respectful boundaries, and forced me to develop my own sense of self, separate from my family. Yet, I never stopped missing my family. There was a void in my life; a hole in my heart where my family should be. I mourned the good I had with my brothers and what could have been with my mother.

No matter what, I loved my family. It took a lot for me to get to the point where I accepted estrangement. I didn’t like it – but I accepted it.

Our family reconciliation began with an e-mail with my brother Randy. Past experience told me to be wary of contact from my family and I wasn’t sure what to expect in the contents of his letter.

The following words are rearranged excerpts from Heal and Forgive II:

Randy opened with a simple, yet delightful youthful memory and continued with a few questions about my daughters and me. He also sent me a link to his family photo album. Suddenly, I found myself viewing pictures from the lives of family members I hadn’t seen for fourteen years. Randy had an eleven-year-old daughter and six-year-old twin sons. The photo album included pictures of the rest of my family. From a distance, I caught up on the lives of family members I had either never met or no longer knew.

Randy’s e-mail stirred up many overwhelming emotions. Slowly working through my feelings, I tried to process all the information available via the photo images. The snapshots evoked feelings in me ranging from hurt, sadness, confusion, anger, curiosity, warmth, jealousy, love, and many more.

I wasn’t sure how to feel or how to respond. Three years into the estrangement from my entire family of origin, my Grandmother rebuffed my attempts at reconciliation. Eight years into family exile, I had opened myself up with hope when my brother Brandon contacted me, only to feel rejected all over again. I was finally at a place where I accepted estrangement. Now what?

I didn’t know what this contact with Randy meant, nor did I know if his contact signaled a desire for reconciliation. Since I felt extremely frightened and vulnerable, I consulted with a few trusted friends and with my estrangement support groups. They helped to “shore me up.”

My yearning to stay on a healthy course caused me to question the wisdom of my simultaneous desire to consider a relationship with my brother. I loved Randy and I believed he loved me too; however, in the past, love was not enough.

Many questions surfaced. Am I strong enough to handle the possibility of another rejection? Will I get hurt again? Why has Randy e-mailed me? Does he want to reconcile or is he just playing around? Can Randy have a relationship with me independent from Mom? Can he accept me for myself? Would he still blame me? Had Randy experienced emotional growth as well?

I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my safety in order to have a relationship with anyone.

Taking the risk of another rejection concerned me. I decided to reply to Randy’s e-mail by simply thanking him for the pictures and his kind thoughts. I also briefly outlined what my daughters were doing with their lives and attached a few recent pictures.

Another month passed before hearing from Randy again. Randy’s second e-mail was lengthier than his first and every bit as genuine. He skillfully tested the waters by weaving together good memories from the past, information about the present, and curiosity about my daughters and me.

The next few months were filled with guarded optimism, tension, and confusion.

It was important to take “baby steps” – to proceed gradually in order to rebuild trust. We started fresh, without rehashing the past. We shared good memories and caught up on our lives. After a few e-mails and a couple of phone calls over a period of about five months, we had our first brief meeting in person.

It was wonderful!

My Top Ten List of Points to Consider Before Reconciling.

2008-05-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

After a fourteen-year family estrangement, one of my brothers contacted me. I was shocked! My heart pounded with excitement and fear. I thought that we would never speak again.

Am I ready to reconcile? Will I be hurt again if I take this leap?

In the quiet of my home, I ran a list of points to consider:

Can I handle the possibility of being rejected all over again?
Have we both experienced significant emotional growth and change since we estranged?
Can I trust myself to set and maintain clear, respectful, boundaries?
Do I feel the need to engage in old arguments and to "change" his perceptions, or can I respond differently to old family patterns?
Am I able to stand confidently in my own separate identity?
Do I feel the need to rehash the past?
Have I healed sufficiently to differentiate between old painful experiences and the occasional present day hurt feelings?
Is the threat of physical and/or emotional violence still present in my family?
Am I still angry? Is he still angry?
Will reconciliation add to or detract from my life?

My Mother’s Gift

2008-05-18T20:23:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was involved in a dialogue with some women who did not have a relationship with their severely abusive parents. We had all assumed that the death of an abusive and estranged parent would bring some sort of relief – or closure. Sadly, the other women have subsequently lost a parent with whom they were estranged. They were surprised that contrary to feeling some relief, the death of a parent caused their anger to intensify. The death of a parent also brought the death of hope; the death of their inner child’s dreams, and the death of the last vestiges of denial.

No longer could they hold onto the fantasy that one day, their parent would acknowledge and apologize for their abuse and possibly even repair the relationship.

Once again, they found themselves mourning what could have been, but never was. They grieved at a deeper level than before. They mourned the loss of a parent they never really had and they mourned that they would never know what it was like to be grief-stricken over the loss of a loving mother or father.

I was heartbroken for these women and for anyone who has or will lose an unrepentant parent to death.

My mother gave me a huge gift. One not many people in my position receive. After fourteen years of no contact, she called me, acknowledged my abuse and apologized. I was not certain on that day about where we would go from there, but of one thing I was sure – it took a great deal of courage for Mom to call me. For that, I was grateful indeed.

After sitting quietly for a few moments, I said, “No matter what happens between us, Mom, you have given me a wonderful and irreplaceable gift.”

Through Mom’s gesture, she participated in the healing process and provided a new level of healing and forgiving previously unavailable to me and forever unavailable to those whose abusive parent dies unrepentant.

Child Abuse Reporting

2008-05-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

Long into adulthood, I often wondered why my childhood family therapist did not protect my brothers and me by reporting our physical abuse. Was she afraid? Did she have a prior bad experience with CPS? Maybe she thought she could help us better than the authorities could. Or maybe she was not adequately trained. Was she in denial, or did her loyalties lie with the individual paying her wages? Whatever the reason for her inaction, this therapist, who in session had listened to my stepfathers’ admission of severely beating us kids, advised me calmly to “just stay out of my abusers’ way.” This therapeutic response left me unprotected and feeling responsible for my own abuse.

Although child abuse reporting is mandatory, professionals don’t always report abuse. In order for states to qualify for funding under the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (CAPTA), 48 states have passed some form of a mandatory child abuse and neglect reporting law. Each state requires certain professionals and institutions to report suspected child abuse and some states require “any person” to report suspected abuse.

According to the Washington State Legislature, the state of Washington (where I am from) enacted RCW 26.44, commonly referred to as the Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act in 1965 – three years before the onset of my physical abuse.

Although reporting abuse is mandatory for most professionals, many individuals fear repercussions. Aside from the fear of termination, many professionals report fears of personal threats, grievances, lawsuits and loss of business.

According to P.A.N.D.A. (Prevent Abuse and Neglect through Dental Awareness), dentists are in the best possible circumstances to recognize cases of child abuse, because approximately 50 to 75 percent of abused children sustain injuries to the head and neck. Yet, dentists make less than 1% of all child abuse reports, citing fear of repercussions and lack of training concerning how to recognize child abuse.

Although the number of pediatricians who report abuse is much higher than for dentists, results from American Academy of Pediatrics surveys indicate that pediatricians still require additional training and resources regarding intentional injury management. Survey results from 1998 and 2003 specify that “the proportion of pediatricians who expressed confidence in ability to identify child abuse decreased (65% vs. 60%).”

Those pediatricians who do recognize and report abuse may deal with a variety of consequences.

Many ordinary citizens are afraid of reporting child abuse because of the possible repercussions to the child or to themselves. Children are often afraid to report the abuse out of their fear of punishment, loss of love or fear of destroying the family.

The consequences for the professional or other bystander who reports abuse can range anywhere from mild discomfort or inconvenience to life changing retaliation.

However, when the bystander fails to protect a child, the victim is often left alone to face a horrific childhood and a lifetime of recovery.

Silence diminishes the soul. Silence aids the chronic pattern of abuse.

Truth telling gives way to healing, breaking the cycle and moving forward to a deserving life.

Nobody reported my childhood abuse, not my family therapist, not my doctor, my teachers, my family, friends or neighbors. So many knew, but nobody helped.

If you know a victim or a survivor, please stand by that individual and publicly speak the truth. Nobody can stand alone; the silence is crushing.