tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post8075046095356626677..comments2023-05-25T08:51:36.759-07:00Comments on Heal and Forgive: Did That Just Happen?AbuseAndForgivenesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09738069361076986611noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-36058387449643645472009-12-19T10:09:00.381-08:002009-12-19T10:09:00.381-08:00Hi BeautifulOne,
I love your name. What a great...Hi BeautifulOne, <br /><br />I love your name. What a great "homebase" for a healing journey. <br /><br />I'm glad you found me. I hope you find the sharing of my journey helpful!<br /><br />Stay strong, <br />NancyAbuseAndForgivenesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09738069361076986611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-39602083696082365362009-12-19T06:34:17.312-08:002009-12-19T06:34:17.312-08:00Wow, that sounds like my Mom. I don't know ho...Wow, that sounds like my Mom. I don't know how a person can be so sweet and on a tirade the next.<br /><br />I have just begun my healing journey and I am so glad to have found your site.BeautifulOnehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14865836318524416120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-42661525164748554032009-10-06T18:17:12.902-07:002009-10-06T18:17:12.902-07:00Dear Anonymous,
What a horrible situation!
My d...Dear Anonymous, <br /><br />What a horrible situation!<br /><br />My deepest sympathy regarding your sisters illness.<br /><br />Unfortunately, family members often pressure the victim/survivor to just "get over it."<br /><br />Judith Lewis Herman, MD, sums it up nicely in her book, <i>Trauma and Recovery</i> (New York: Basic Books, 1997) p.7:<br /><br /><i>It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement and remembering.</i><br /><br />Since you don't have the support of your family, if it were me, I would tell my family members that the relationship between me and my brother IS between me and my brother. Period. The topic is off limits.<br /><br />Of course, our greatest opportunity for healing comes when the perpetrator is willing to take part in the healing process; however, when they are unwilling or unable to do so, the onus is on us to find a way to heal. <br /><br />Whether we chose to see a healthy or dying perpetrator is up to each individual. We need to do whatever feels the healthiest for us.<br /><br />Even Abraham Lincoln was faced with this situation. He took a great deal of flack for his stance; however, when he received word that his abusive father was dying, he sent the following letter to his brother:<br /><br />Dear Brother,<br /><br />I sincerely hope father may recover his health; but at all events, tell him to call upon and confide in our great and good merciful Maker, who will not turn away from him in any extremity. He notes the fall of a sparrow, and numbers the hairs on our heads, and He will not forget the dying man, who puts his trust in Him. Say to him if that if we could meet now it is doubtful whether it would not be more painful than pleasant, but that if it be his lot to go now he will soon have a joyous meeting with many loved ones gone before, and where the rest of us, through the help of God, hope ere long to join him.<br /><br />Write to me again when you receive this.<br /><br />Affectionately, <br />A. Lincoln<br /><br />Ultimately, whether you chose to send a card or not...you must do what you believe will be best for you in the long run.<br /><br />Stay strong!<br />NancyAbuseAndForgivenesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09738069361076986611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-9513798219528530392009-10-06T12:03:43.701-07:002009-10-06T12:03:43.701-07:00Thank you so much for your quick reply..it is a Go...Thank you so much for your quick reply..it is a Godsend to find out that I'm not "wrong" for how I feel!<br /><br />I am wondering if you could share with me your opinion on this ongoing issue in my family? My older sister is dying of cancer and at this same time so is my brother who molested her and I when we were young. Now the rest of the family is putting extreme pressure on me to visit him as I need "to let bygones be". When I confronted him years ago and told him he was not welcome in my life until he admitted he'd done wrong to my sisters & me and got some counselling, he'd refused as he "was sorry that I had such a problem with what he'd done"! Note how it was turned into being my issue? Anyway, everyone is mad at me not going to see him (except my other sister who was also molested but the family is leaving her alone because she is too sick to travel). I was thinking of being nice and sending him a card but with all this pressure I am thinking I don't want to do anything! Your thoughts?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-59672480718720420262009-10-06T10:41:45.230-07:002009-10-06T10:41:45.230-07:00Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing a bit of y...Dear Anonymous, <br /><br />Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. I'm glad you have found a bit of validation here. It is always nice to know we are not alone with our experience. <br /><br />BTW: I have a post you might be interested in titled, Honor Thy Mother and Father?:<br /><br />http://healandforgive.blogspot.com/2008/03/honor-thy-mother-and-father.html<br /><br />Thanks again!<br />NancyAbuseAndForgivenesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09738069361076986611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-6990359174338628232009-10-05T22:20:05.623-07:002009-10-05T22:20:05.623-07:00Amazing...are you sure your mother and mine aren&#...Amazing...are you sure your mother and mine aren't sisters?<br /><br />Mine is still vicious at 87! Most of her venom is directed at me as I'm a) too much like my spineless father; b)I live in the same town and don't jump at her every demand; c)I've become a Christian which is equivalent in her mind to being a total wimp and loser and d) I'm not one of the favorite children.<br /><br />Whenever I stand up to her she is quick to accuse me of being a bad Christian and doesn't realize that one can be a Christian and still refuse to take abuse from someone.<br /><br />She is lucky I take the commandment to honor one's mother seriously or I would have cut her out of my life 20+ years ago! <br /><br />I have gone to therapy because of her and all the other family dynamics (that's a whole other letter!)and even the counsellor said she had a lot of issues...that may be an understatement! <br /><br />Anyway, it is so good to know that there are others out there that know where I'm coming from! I grew up thinking my family was normal until I got older and met more functional families and have come to realize (I'm now 50) that my family was seriously troubled.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-8899745985851552792009-08-20T12:38:47.068-07:002009-08-20T12:38:47.068-07:00Hi Cat!
Thanks for stopping by!
Being the only c...Hi Cat!<br /><br />Thanks for stopping by!<br /><br />Being the only child "singled" out for certain abuses does carry a long lasting sting (I'm the middle child as well, and the only girl. Unfortunately for me, my mother doesn't like girls). <br /><br />It took me a long time to work through my resentment as well. I don't think we can speed up the process. At a certain point, I realized that my being singled out was about my mother's dysfunction and had nothing to do with me. This knowledge certainly doesn't change the past, but it did help me after a great deal of healing.<br /><br />All my best, <br />NancyAbuseAndForgivenesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09738069361076986611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-33103757991014139402009-08-20T11:08:09.532-07:002009-08-20T11:08:09.532-07:00I have no idea how I stumbeled acrross your page t...I have no idea how I stumbeled acrross your page today but I am grateful to have found you. <br /><br />You talk of things I am familiar with, having had a mother who would physically and mentally and emotionally abuse me, her middle child and then act as if the problem was all in my head...<br /><br />It took a lot of time and growing up to understand she cannot change and i am still working on the resentment of being the only child singled out at her hands in that manner...Wait. What?https://www.blogger.com/profile/16914656489970904052noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-51612493784224207242009-07-27T12:12:44.754-07:002009-07-27T12:12:44.754-07:00Wow, Nancy!
You have so much valuable information...Wow, Nancy!<br /><br />You have so much valuable information on your website! I am reading - just spellbound.<br /><br />I don't know if you like to include links to other sites... I am guided to offer a free online ForGIVEness meditation at<br />http://ILoveForGIVEness.blogspot.com<br /><br />You are welcome to pass it on your readers if you like, and link it as a resource on your site.<br /><br />Blessings... and with gratitude for all you are doing.<br /><br />Love,<br /><br />Pat CrosbyPat Crosbyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13870499773414444607noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-66040020709728266242009-07-26T14:26:53.123-07:002009-07-26T14:26:53.123-07:00Dear Anonymous,
I have found that some people &q...Dear Anonymous, <br /><br />I have found that some people "mellow with age," and others do not. I’m sorry your mother seems to fall into the latter category. <br /><br />Many of us reach a point in time where self-preservation kicks in and we say, "Enough is enough!"<br /><br />In spite of the pain and guilt, sadly, sometime we must choose the lesser of two evils.<br /><br />Warm regards, <br />NancyAbuseAndForgivenesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09738069361076986611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-7908751989392089142009-07-25T21:49:19.437-07:002009-07-25T21:49:19.437-07:00my mother has always justified such conduct as jus...my mother has always justified such conduct as just "mother/daughter stuff". well i see it differently and because of that i can't be around her. the abusive behavior and then next time like you say,"hi honey". abuse is not going to be a part of any relationships i have anymore. even if it means not seeing that person at all. and sadly for me, my mother is in a nursing home not far from me and i haven't seen her since september because i decided i can't be in a relationship with ANYONE where abuse is going to be a component of our being together. the pain and guilt is terrible. but to be in a relationship with my mother means a level of abuse is going to have to be tolerated and i won't tolerate ANY level of abuse anymore. from her or anyone else.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com