tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post5933103234497455300..comments2023-05-25T08:51:36.759-07:00Comments on Heal and Forgive: Setting Clear, Respectful, BoundariesAbuseAndForgivenesshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09738069361076986611noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-24676660673123582902009-10-07T15:57:16.405-07:002009-10-07T15:57:16.405-07:00Dear Anonymous,
My condolences on the loss of yo...Dear Anonymous, <br /><br />My condolences on the loss of your friend.<br /><br />Boundaries are a huge issue for survivors and, unfortunately, growth is often precipitated by loss. <br /><br />Stay strong!<br /><br />Blessings, <br />NancyAbuseAndForgivenesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09738069361076986611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-42857617856412620552009-10-07T12:24:46.918-07:002009-10-07T12:24:46.918-07:00I really struggle with boundaries. In fact, I eit...I really struggle with boundaries. In fact, I either don't set healthy boundaries or I come across to harsh. Just the other day I jumped all over a friend and really hurt her because I waited to long to tell her I was upset about some things. Now our friendship is over and she hates me. I was hoping to distance myself from her but I did not want it to end up this way, especially her hating me and having her family all write me really nasty things. I want to learn healthy boundaries but it is so hard. Oh Nancy you have been an inspiration for me and others, God bless you and yours.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-85648602523025376782008-03-18T13:57:00.000-07:002008-03-18T13:57:00.000-07:00Dear Austin, Thank you for stopping by! Your comm...Dear Austin, <BR/><BR/>Thank you for stopping by! <BR/><BR/>Your comments do not at all seem harsh to me. As a matter of fact I could have written them myself. <BR/><BR/>For many years, I felt very damaged by pressure from others to forgive my mother for her abusive treatment of me. Yet, I knew that forgiveness was premature and I stood resolute that forgiveness was not healthy for me – at least not at that time. My greatest period of emotional growth occurred during the many years that I did not forgive my mother. <BR/><BR/>My mother didn't apologized or aske for forgiveness. My question was: "How can you forgive someone who never asks for forgiveness; someone who never acknowledged the abuse and someone who continues to abuse?"<BR/><BR/>Obviously, under those circumstances, I couldn't. My mother didn't participate in my healing process. Yet, during our 14 year estrangement, the love extended to me in my community of support began to out-weigh the negativity of the past and I began to "feel" forgiving. Feeling forgiving was one thing - trust was another. I still didn't feel safe enough to have a relationship with her until the day came (14 years later) that she did acknowledge and apologize for my abuse.<BR/><BR/>Please see my post titled “Forgiveness: The Last Step in Recovery” under the February Archives. It sums up how I define forgiveness today. I’d be interested in your feedback.<BR/><BR/>Again, Thank You!<BR/>NancyAbuseAndForgivenesshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09738069361076986611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8557084346768128841.post-74956308825848267052008-03-18T13:19:00.000-07:002008-03-18T13:19:00.000-07:00I didn't know where else to leave this comment so ...I didn't know where else to leave this comment so it ended up here:<BR/><BR/>I wanted to say about forgiveness that when it comes to forgiving myself for what I had to do to survive my mother I can honestly say I'm working on it. But when it comes to forgiving her there is no reason to offer it. <BR/><BR/>I have never, in all my years been given a clear cut definition of forgiveness as it relates to abuse. <BR/><BR/>What I see forgiveness as is a courtesy to the abuser. Forgiveness in this context seems to be all about the abuser. If I give forgiveness to the abuser I'll feel better. What? No, I don't believe that. I think honestly if I give forgiveness to the abuser OTHERS will feel better about ME. Forgiveness seem to make others feel better and says to others that I'm on a healing path. Saying I selectively forgive makes me sound bitter and stuck. It seems forgiving my abuser is more about what others think about my healing. It also feels like I'm giving something else to the abuser when truthfully she's taken enough. <BR/><BR/>Lastly, it seems to me that when offering forgiveness it should be given only when it's warranted. In some situations forgiveness is warranted, in others its even unjust to give it. That's my view. There are certain things that I can forgive my mother for and other things that would be an injustice to myself to offer it. <BR/><BR/>I apologize if this comment seems harsh. I don't mean it to be. <BR/>Sincerely,<BR/>Austin of Sundrip JournalsAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com